December 16th, 2005

ho ho ho

The War on Christmas: Battlground Minneapolis

It has been brought to my attention that the publication which employs my girlfriend -- a publication that debatably could be termed the single most liberal mainstream magazine in America -- has begun playing Christmas music on their telephone hold system.

Somewhere, John "It's Not JUST Jews!" Gibson weeps a tiny silent tear.
blowhard

Lileks Watch, Day Jillion and Four

Before getting to a lengthy passage where he berates underpaid retail clerks for the ten thousandth time, Jimmy leads off his column this way:

Sent Gnat to school with a purple finger today. Explained it as best as I could.

That's it. Since we're not privy to exactly what the explanation was as to his involving his five-year-old daughter in his asinine partisan poltical grandstanding, I decided to speculate.

"Well, honey, there's this land, very far away, called Iraq. And a long time ago, before you were born, the dictator of Iraq made the old president -- you know the one I'm always talking about, the one who's keeping the bad terrorists from disemboweling you? his dad -- very angry. So the new president -- the one we have now, the one who let daddy buy a new downstairs fragrance infuser -- decided to send soldiers over there to beat up the dictator of Iraq and free all the people. Now, do you know what free people do? Yes, they get to keep all the money they earn! Good! But also, they get to vote. They get to pick who their leader is, as long as he isn't a commie or the wrong kind of religious fanatic. So we told all the people in Iraq who they could vote for, and they picked them, because they're free now! Also, they got to pick whether or not to have a new constitution. They decided they would, because even though none of them wrote it and hardly any of them have read it or even gotten to see it, they've been told that it's really good. Anyway, in Iraq, when people vote, they get a purple ink mark on their finger to prove they've done it. And over here, we're so proud that we've brought them this gift of freedom, we've decided to do the same thing by putting purple ink on our own fingers! Also, we do it to shame everybody who didn't support the war. In fact it's mostly that.

No, honey, we won't do this for EVERY country that votes! A lot of countries came up with the idea of voting all by themselves, with no help from us. Oh, you know, like France. Yes, that's right! The country that has a death wish and is full of snooty jerks! Anyway, it wouldn't humiliate liberals to celebrate France voting, because they've been doing it for a really long time without our help. And, for example, we won't celebrate Germany voting, because they elect people who are mean jerks and raise taxes to pay for fat-cat union benefits and useless environmental legislation. And we won't celebrate East Timor voting, because even though they used to be controlled by a bloody dictator like the one in Iraq -- well, he was on our side, so he wasn't so bad. Plus the Timorese were freed not by us, but by the United Nations, and we all know that the United Nations are what, honey? That's right! Squabbling and ineffectual! So they couldn't possibly have done it. It probably didn't even happen.

So, long story short, we only have to do this for Iraq, because they represent the best kind of democracy. For now."

Will she have some stories at school!
ho ho ho

Friday! Poll! Madness!

Poll #634971 Polski polski polski!

What is the most irritating product name-change following a wave of bad PR over the previous name?

"Dried plum" replacing "prune"
10(17.5%)
"Sports activity vehicle"/"light truck" replacing "sports utility vehicle"
23(40.4%)
"Vehicle security system" replacing "car alarm"
2(3.5%)
"Snow thrower" replacing "snowblower"
15(26.3%)
Another one I will specify in Comments
7(12.3%)

What's your game, stranger?

Blackjack
5(8.9%)
Roulette
3(5.4%)
Faro
0(0.0%)
Poker
11(19.6%)
Craps
2(3.6%)
Chemin-de-fer
1(1.8%)
Go Fish
4(7.1%)
Stratego
3(5.4%)
Duck Duck Goose
4(7.1%)
Mystery Date
2(3.6%)
Chess
6(10.7%)
Axis & Allies
3(5.4%)
Penny-pitching
1(1.8%)
Shadowrun
3(5.4%)
Cities & Knights of Catan
8(14.3%)

Which commandments have you broken in the last week?

I am the Lord, thy God; thou shalt have no other gods before me.
0(0.0%)
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God, in vain.
3(5.2%)
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
0(0.0%)
Honor thy father and thy mother, that ye may live long upon the earth.
0(0.0%)
Thou shalt not steal.
0(0.0%)
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
0(0.0%)
Thou shalt make of you no graven images of that which is in heaven above, or earth below, or in the water, nor make ye the worship thereof.
0(0.0%)
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
0(0.0%)
Thou shalt not kill.
0(0.0%)
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his servants, nor his maid, nor his cattle, nor his animals, nor anything else that is thy neighbor's.
0(0.0%)
I have violated all these commandments in the last week
1(1.7%)
I have violated none of these commandments in the last week
1(1.7%)

What's your feeling about mistletoe?

I like it, because I can force people to kiss me who otherwise would not dream of doing so
6(10.3%)
I like it, because it provides me with an excuse to smooch my honey
7(12.1%)
I love it, because it sounds like "missile toe"
8(13.8%)
I hate it, because it forces me to put my lips on disgusting pigs like you
0(0.0%)
I hate it, because I am allergic to it
0(0.0%)
I hate it, because I am the Norse god Balder
7(12.1%)
I have no opinion one way or another about mistletoe
16(27.6%)
It is the common name for various parasitic plants of the families Santalaceae (in the section of the family formerly separated as Viscaceae) and Loranthaceae
9(15.5%)
I think it's a Hebrew phrase meaning "Congratulations!"
4(6.9%)
Your poll questions get stupider every week
1(1.7%)

In the event that Santa is unwilling or unable to perform his duties, to whom should the responsibility fall?

cap'n hedgehog reporting for duty

Via fengi

I'm a fake-tough teenage gangsta for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage Superboy for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage career hag for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage Magic: The Gathering geek for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage child molester for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage stoner for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage extreme sports enthusiast for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage Sweet Valley High reject for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage hobbit for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage emo jackass for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage Pinoy turntablist for Christ!

I'm a fake-tough teenage hillbilly speed lab mascot for Christ!