December 30th, 2005

banana

Notes from what looks to be the most boring work day of 2005

- Hey, big thanks to never_fear for the gift of a Guerrilla: The Taking of Patty Hearst DVD! I'm quite eager to watch this one.

- Today is one of those days where it's not even that cold, but you just can't seem to warm up. You know what I mean? No, YOU'RE crazy!

- Can we all agree that the top story of 2005 is that John Byrne thinks blonde Latin women look whorey?

- Considering the fact that it's a holiday weekend, I have way too much stuff to do. Including a rather massive amount of drinking. But don't worry, folks! I'll be drinking in a professional capacity! Everything is under control!

- Anyone who likes jazzy, cleverly done indie rap ought to check out Modill's Midnight Green, dropping Jan. 10th. Good stuff by some Chicago heads. This town is starting to really make a noise in hip-hop, and it's about goddamn time.

- Former British ambassador to Uzbekistan Craig Murray is going public with memos about how the US and UK coordinated torture -- including that of innocent children -- with our good buddy Islam Karimov in aid of the war on terror. This is what we're doing in the name of freedom, folks. Murray's defying a gag order by printing this memos, so he could well go to jail for it; read them if you can.

- A lot of delightfully mean-spirited websites are doing their "Best Crazy Right-Wing Vaporing of the Year" awards, which has reminded me of several of my favorite gas-from-the-past hits from the dingbat contingent. Nominate YOUR favorites too!

JONAH GOLDBERG: I would love to go fight in Iraq, but you see, I am married with children and over 30. Plus my family is used to a certain level of comfort in their lifestyle.

BILL WHITTLE: I am part of the Gray Tribe, not the Pink Tribe, and we build bridges and don't whine about our feelings and also we don't rape people in the SuperDome.

GLENN REYNOLDS: Evidence of the cultural and moral bankruptcy of the modern liberal can be found in Ward Churchill's dirty hippie haircut.

CAROL PLATT LIEBAU: No Democrat has actually made this argument, but if they did, wouldn't that be just awful?

JOHN DERBYSHIRE: Only a truly honest man like me, who was friends with Bruce Lee and can speak truth to power, is brave enough to admit that women over age 20 have gross saggy tits.

VOX DAY: Even though I think rape is often the woman's fault and that date rape is largely a myth, I am moral enough to admit that only Christians are ethically developed enough to acknowledge that rape is evil.

DENNIS PRAGER: I think women are great, even though they are prone to fainting spells and incapable of rational thought.
flavored with age

* Sniff * It's the last Friday poll of the year!

And no one's even around to take it...

Poll #642566 Friday Final of Oh Five

So, overall, how was your 2005?

It was the best year anyone has had ever in the history of years, Leonard.
5(8.8%)
It was good like hot pizza and beer, Leonard.
12(21.1%)
It was good like cold pizza and diet Coke, Leonard.
7(12.3%)
It was pretty cosi cosa, Leonard.
5(8.8%)
It was as below average as this poll, Leonard.
4(7.0%)
It sucked the barnacles off a garbage scow, Leonard.
10(17.5%)
It represented the absolute nadir of the sum of human history, Leonard.
3(5.3%)
It was a year like any other year, Leonard.
6(10.5%)
It is not for me to decide, but rather my eldritch masters in the dimension of Klorg, Leonard.
4(7.0%)
Please stop writing your name at the end of every sentence.
1(1.8%)

What do you think 2006 will be like?

I think it will be like six hundred orgasms inside a chocolate sundae factory, Leonard.
4(7.0%)
I have a good feeling about 2006, Leonard.
17(29.8%)
Well, at the very least, it will be better than last year, Leonard.
18(31.6%)
One year, another year, what's the fucking difference, Leonard?
2(3.5%)
I think it will be kind of a bummer, Leonard.
0(0.0%)
I think it will be like peed-on doo-doo, Leonard.
0(0.0%)
I hope it will contain naught but agony, despair and the total annihilation of all mankind, Leonard.
3(5.3%)
Like 2005, only one higher, Leonard.
8(14.0%)
What am I, Leonard, some kind of a goddamn psychic?
4(7.0%)
Seriously, man, it's totally annoying to see your name so many times.
1(1.8%)

What is your favorite thing about James Lileks?

How he constantly mentions his kid, but almost never mentions his wife, possibly because she thinks he's an asshole
1(2.0%)
How he uses his daughter to justify all his reactionary, selfish political crankery
0(0.0%)
How he thinks that the culture of the 1970s was so bad that it totally destroyed America even if it wasn't actually made in the 1970s
3(5.9%)
How for some reason he always thinks that terrorists are going to set off a nuke in Seattle
0(0.0%)
How he frequently gets entirely bent out of shape over something that either means nothing or didn't even actually happen
1(2.0%)
How he makes a living making fun of the 1940s and 1950s even though he clearly thinks that era was the peak of human civilization
0(0.0%)
How he spends so much time complaining about Chuck E. Cheese and other crappy minimum-wage chain stores but keeps going to them at least ten times a week
3(5.9%)
How he thinks that New Wave is the only good music made in the last 45 years
2(3.9%)
How he, like almost every right-wing dipshit in America, still can't get over how much he hated hippies
6(11.8%)
How you claim to dislike him so much even though you are clearly obsessed with him and are pretty much exactly like him
7(13.7%)

What do most of your New Years' resolutions revolve around your being?

Fat
7(12.3%)
Lazy
21(36.8%)
Stupid
2(3.5%)
Poor
3(5.3%)
Boring
3(5.3%)
Apathetic
7(12.3%)
Infertile
1(1.8%)
Psychotic
3(5.3%)
Gay
1(1.8%)
All of the above
9(15.8%)

Which of your New Year's resolutions will you break first?

time for a beatin'

Based on a convo with hipsterdetritus...

...the lame thing about the otherwise-awesome Def Jam Vendetta rap-'n'-wrestling video game series is that instead of just matching up rappers against each other, you have to, at least for a while, play these bland-ass generic characters. And that's too bad, because otherwise, you could settle once and for all some of the great rap feuds, in video game form. Like:

- Zombie Biggie vs. Zombie 2Pac
- "Radio"-era L.L. Cool J vs. "Can-I-Bus?"-era Canibus/"In the House"-era L.L. Cool J vs. deranged conspiracy theory-era Canibus
- KRS-One vs. MC Shan (that would be over in about five seconds)
- 3rd Bass vs. P.W. Botha
- Ol' Dirty Bastard vs. Busta Rhymes: Raving Derelict Battle!
- Dr. Dre vs. Eazy-E
- Eminem vs. Benzino, only this time someone actually cares
- Wack Wigger 4-Way, featuring Vanilla Ice, Brian Austin Green, Marky Mark & Kevin Federline
- Roxanne Shante vs. the Real Roxanne
- Everyone in the world fleeing in terror of Suge Knight
- MC Paul Barman vs. Professor Griff
- Li'l' Kim & Foxy Brown vs. Salt 'n' Pepa in: Dueling Titty Tattoos (and they're all wearing the same outfit, natch)

And so on.