A schediastic hootenanny

And I'm not dead! How about that!

The New Year's weekend was fine; much of it was spend working (writing-working, not working-working), so I don't have that many exciting stories to report. I did go to a New Year's Eve party hosted by friends Lara and Jeff, and it was terrific; delicious Armenian food, the presence of fine friends, and the pomegranate punch they make every year and which, this time around, I drank entirely too much of. It was so strong it made me end sentences with prepositions.

Speaking of drinking too much, one of the freelance gigs I've been working on is getting recipes for cold-weather drinks from local clubs and bars. It's been fun because, hey, free drinks. Unfortunately, the deadline for it was yesterday, and I can't get it to my editor because her e-mail box is full. This causes me much angst even though it is totally not my fault. I don't make new year's resolutions (I have this thing about self-hatred, and the last thing I need to do is set myself up to fail even further), but if I did, I might make one about trying not to sweat things I can't control.

One of the things we learned from Friday's poll is that a bunch of you had a really crappy year in 2005. I'm real sorry about that, but despite some low low lows, mine was pretty damn good, and my '06 I'm hoping will only be an improvement. So happy birthday to Jim Corrigan, happy new year to everyone, and watch this space...fascinating things are afoot.

We didn't learn that no one thinks my rap/wrestling feud jokes are funny; that we learned from a different post. But we did learn these things.

View Answers

- The majority of you (30%) thought that 2005 was great to excellent, but the runner-up (18%) was that 2005 sucked pureed ape nuts. Well, the only reason I or anyone else has a LiveJournal is to read about how miserable everyone else is, so I'm glad things are workin' for you.

- A majority 32% of you believe that, if nothing else, 2006 will be an improvement over 2005. This is a touching reflection of how incredibly naive you all are to not realize that no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. God bless you every one.

- The most-beloved quality of James Lileks is his inability to get past his adolescent resentment of hippies and how they got all the girls while he was wearing a fedora and rocking out to the Knack. That was closely followed by his similar rejection of every single cultural achievement of the 1970s except for Star Wars, and finally his non-stop berating of the incompetent retail chains who he is forced to give his custom. Surprisingly, only 31% of you cited my own completely irrational fascination with Jim-Jam as your favorite thing about him. (Lileks, by the way, is back from hiatus, and is now weighing his "must move to Arizona, leave cold and Twin Cities liberals behind" mania against the fact that he spend the holidays in the AZ and it's really boring.)

- In a lovely example of self-knowledge gone awry, the majority (37%) of you cited laziness as the primary motivator behind your New Year's resolutions -- which flaw makes it all the more likely we'll meet here next year to discuss the #1 reason why you didn't actually fulfill any of them.

- Most popular responses in the "What New Year's resolution will you break first?" category were "filling out polls" and "not making New Year's resolutions". Man, you guys, seriously, read the other comments first! Is rule of comedy! Winner: spinooti's statement of helplessness before the delicious power of sody pop.

1. Hey, this is good news: having now pared all funding for Iraq reconstruction down to security and police (in other words, protecting the contractors who are over there looting what's left to loot), the Bush administration is going to drop ALL funding for reconstruction in the next fiscal year. We broke it, but we ain't gonna buy it! Surely this is good news for Iraq, and won't at all plunge the country into a nightmare of poverty and ruin that will simply set the stage for more terrorism and/or another brutal dictator. Way to plan, Mr. President!

2. Totally unrelated, here's today's QUOTE OF THE DAY, from Milton Mayer's excellent study They Thought They Were Free: The Germans, 1933-1935.

"What happened here was the gradual habituation of the people, little by little, to being governed by surprise; to receiving decisions deliberated in secret; to believing that the situation was so complicated that the government had to act on information which the people could not understand, or so dangerous that, even if the people could understand it, it could not be released because of national security. And their sense of identification with Hitler, their trust in him, made it easier to widen this gap and reassured those who would otherwise have worried about it."

3. The Word Network vs. the Playboy Channel DEATHMATCH!

Enjoying Everyday Life with Joyce Meyer vs. Sex Court
Bob Jones Presents vs. Naughty Amateur Home Videos: Out In Public
Gospel Grooves vs. Sexy Urban Legends
Wisdom Keys with Dr. Mike Murdock vs. Adult Stars Flying Solo VII
Dr. Shine & Dee Dee vs. Playboy Exposed: Girls of Motocross
Bishop Durone Hepburn vs. Best of Sexcetera
Rudolph McKissick Ministries vs. Women of WalMart
Leroy Emmanuel vs. Heaven Scent 2
Love a Child vs. Night Calls UK
The Good Steward XV vs. British Babe Rebekah Teesdale
The Flying House vs. Jenna's American Sex Star
Fellowship of Christians & Jews vs. Adult Asians
Kirk Franklin Listening Party vs. Buckwild
Rizen vs. Vivid Valley
One on One with Lexi vs. Hooked On Garters
Jazzspel vs. Winning the Tri-Sexta

In conjunction with calamityjon's Goodtime Laffs Factory (his entry here), it's...




NAME: Damien Hellstrom
CLUBS: German Society; Boy Scouts of America (Eagle); Young Satanists Club.
ACTIVITIES: Jazz Band (second guitar); DHS Hesher's Guild; Smoking Patio Maintenance Crew.
SPORTS: JV Basketball; Track & Field (javelin).
SENIOR QUOTE: "'Tis better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven."
BIO: The self-dubbed 'Son of Satan' (or 'Son of Kong', as some wags have called him) never lets you forget that his father is a very important man. His thrash-metal stylings are a selling point for his band, Demöniakk, but Mr. Penfield, the music teacher, says they don't quite work in "Stardust"!
AUTOGRAPHS
"You guys rock!!!11!! P.S. Call me, okay?" -- Patsy Walker
"Always reach 4 the stars + SURF NAKED!" -- Bill Howardstein
"Have a great summer, and don't get on Eric Payne's case too much when you guys are working together at the Orange Julius. XXOO" -- Jan van Dyne
"WHAT UP BIG D -- DEMöNIAKK *WILL ROCK* SANTA BARBARA COMMUNITY COLLEGE WeST CAmopUS" -- Johnny Blaze



NAME: Barbara Norriss
CLUBS: German Society; Junior Norsemen; Girls In The Trades.
ACTIVITIES: Industrial Arts; Volunteer Construction Crew (New Gym, Ladies' Sports Annex, Armory); Theatre (1-4); Quill & Staff (4).
SPORTS: Girls' Rugby (Varsity); Ladies' Golf (Varsity); Ladies' Tennis (JV); Girls' Hockey (Varsity); Boys' Football (court order).
SENIOR QUOTE: "O goddess, from my heart remove/the wasting cares and pains of love."
BIO: Big Babs is a godsend to the Black Goliaths' championship golf and hockey teams, and is also a lesser though legally required addition to the football team. She's developed quite a close friendship with Patsy Walker over senior year! Odds are you'll find her writing poetry under a tree near the quad, or when it's time to show her sensitive side, molding a '72 Buick front fender into a stylish belt in Mr. Homolka's metal shop.
AUTOGRAPHS
"Hey, Barbara -- it was mostly great to have you on the team this year! Remember when you sacked me during a practice game and broke three of my ribs so I couldn't play the rest of the year? Some of the guys are still talking about that!" -- Kyle Richmond
"Thanks for being a friend. And please stop beating yourself up over my fish, cockatiel and dog dying when you house-sat in October." -- Isaac Christian
"JACK AND COKE BEHInD tHE BURGerKING PARKINGLot WhooooOOO!" -- Johnny Blaze
"Have a blessed summer, Barbara! It's been great getting to know you this year! I hope we can spend more time together, but I'm not sure where I'll be over the break, so you probably shouldn't call, or come by my father's store." -- Patsy Walker



NAME: Warren Worthington III
CLUBS: Junior Achievement (president); We-Own-U Networking for Teens; Junior Republicans; Young Americans for Freedom.
ACTIVITIES: Student Council (Vice-President 3; President 4); Yearbook Staff (editor 2, 3, 4); Birdwatchers Club; Future Plutocrats Dinner Mixer fundraiser; Prom King (3, 4).
SPORTS: Football (JV); Golf (Varsity).
SENIOR QUOTE: "Virtue has never been as respectable as money."
BIO: Dreamboat Warren is certainly the big man on campus this year. With his money, good looks and fancy car (though we never see him driving it...), why wouldn't he be? Despite his flawed fashion sense (what's with all the bulky overcoats?), we still want to know: did it hurt when he fell from heaven?
AUTOGRAPHS
"U + ME = TLA" -- Candy Southern
"Hi-ho, Double Dub! What say you and I race out to that too, too charming club up in East Point? I'll see you at work this summer...NOT!" -- Stephen Strange
"Hulk demand rematch on links! Hulk use lob wedge instead of sand wedge! Hulk win little gold man!" -- Bruce Banner
"Hey, motherfucker, thanks for letting me sign your motherfucking yearbook! I notice I'm not in it! And neither is anyone else who looks like me! Just like at your motherfucking country club, you cracker-ass honky faggot!" -- Luke Cage