January 19th, 2006

fight the machine

From the country that brought you A.Q. Khan...

Hey, remember a couple of days ago, when the CIA sent out flying killer robots to annihilate a Pakistani border town because the robots thought there were big-shot terrorists hiding there? Only it turned out he wasn't, and instead the robots killed 18 innocent civilians?

Well, touchy sons of bitches as those Pakis are, they got all bent out of shape and started holding anti-American protests and rallies, which made pet dictator/walking corpse Pervez Musharref nervous. Luckily, he's our boy, and we sent some people to have a word with him. We don't know what they said, of course, but we do know that since that time, a bunch of terrorists have been discovered under the pile of corpses!

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - An al-Qaida explosives and chemical weapons expert and a relative of the terror network's No. 2 leader were among four top operatives believed killed in a U.S. missile strike in Pakistan last week, Pakistani security officials said Thursday.

Well! An explosives expert AND a relative of whoever we're claiming is the Vice-President of Terror Affairs for Al Q'aeda Inc., that's pretty good. To whom should we attribute this glorious news?

The three security officials, all speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak to media.

Ah. Well, that's okay, though. Anonymous sources are only disreputable when they're alleging misconduct by American or Israeli forces, or saying that President Bush is an idiot. At any rate, at least we have some Islamonazi carcasses we can string up from the nearest light post, right?

said the al-Qaida figures were believed to have been in Damadola village near the Afghan border at the time of Friday's attack but their bodies have not been recovered.

Oh. But, at least, if anonymous sources say we're unconfirmedly killing imaginary terrorists whose bodies haven't been recovered, at least they're bigwigs, I'm sure.

The officials said the operatives included Midhat Mursi al-Sayid Umar, 52, who the U.S. Justice Department calls an explosives and poisons expert. The Egyptian also has distributed training manuals with recipes for chemical and biological weapons and trained hundreds of fighters at a terrorist camp near the eastern Afghan city of Jalalabad before the ouster of the hardline Taliban regime in late 2001. Umar is suspected of training the suicide bombers who killed 17 U.S. sailors in the attack on the USS Cole in Yemen in 2000, according to Mohamed Salah, a Cairo expert on Islamic extremists.

There we go! And naturally, this must be true, because we've certainly never before reported an infamous al-Q'aeda leader killed when in fact he was still alive. But it seems strange that they've recovered all the bodies of all the innocent people who died, and none of the bodies of the bad guys, doesn't it?

Provincial authorities said al-Qaida sympathizers took the bodies of the foreign militants believed to have been killed to bury them in the mountains near the Afghan border, thereby preventing their identification.

Whew, I knew there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. At any rate, we know this isn't complete propagandist fantasy, because of all the U.S. collaboration of the story.

Pentagon officials said they had no information on the reported identities of the dead, and CIA spokesman Tom Crispell said the agency could not comment.

Which is coming any day now, certainly soon enough to go to press with this unambiguous headline. Ah, the power of the press!

The seven things you can't say on television, on the other hand, are pretty ironclad

Libertarian dingbat Larry Elder has a new book out called The Ten Things You Can't Say In America. Strangely, the book was published here in America, and became a best-seller, but he didn't go back and change the title. Anyway, here are the ten things.

Blacks are more racist than Whites

This is highly controversial, indeed, and before Larry had the courage to say it, the only person who dared speak those words was high-profile Oscar-hosting multimillionaire Chris Rock, who said it repeatedly on several of his best-selling comedy albums. Of course, if Larry had phrased it differently, say, "white racism has caused more misery, poverty and death than black racism", it would be even more truthful (as opposed to truthiful).

White condescension is as bad as Black racism

By "condescension", what Larry (who, in case you were wondering, is black) means is "assistance". Larry thinks that if there's one thing worse than black racism, it's white people attempting to correct the harm done by 4 centuries of white racism.

The media have a liberal bias

Gosh, you sure can't say that! Why, I can't think of more than three, four dozen bestselling books, popular radio programs, nationally syndicated newspaper columns, and highly rated television networks who have even dreamed about daring to think about suggesting such an outrageous thing.

There is no glass ceiling holding women back in the corporate world

Once again, Larry is right. There is no literal, tangible ceiling made of glass which physically holds women workers in place. And once again, his rightness is made even more righteosious by his not having phrased it in a whiny liberal way like "for some reason, women make up almost 50% of the workforce, but make less aggregate income, are passed over for promotion at a higher rate, and make up a disproportionately small number of managers, executives and CEOs despite their increasingly higher levels of education".

America's greatest social problem is illegitimacy

I haven't read the whole book, so I'm not sure what he means here. Is he saying that America is not a legitimately sovereign nation? Is he saying that our society is a fake society? Or is he saying that coloreds have too many babies? Taking bets.

there is no Health-Care "crisis"

By which he means, we have awesome health care in this country, better than any place, if you can afford it and why couldn't you unless you were a bum. Our highest-in-the-First-World rates of infant death, cancer, heart disease, tuberculosis, and diabetes are just coincidence, and our ever-increasing number of uninsured citizens just reflects the go-get-'em attitude of start-up enterpreneurs.

Governmental welfare is neither necessary nor constitutional

I'm not sure how to approach this one. I mean, it's pretty much libertarian gospel that welfare is unnecessary, and that the social upheaval caused by abandoning the lower classes can be dealt with by an efficient police force, but unconstitutional? That's a new one on me, so maybe you CAN'T say that in America. Insofar as it makes no fucking sense.

There's not a dime's worth of difference between the Republicans and the Democrats

Ladies and gentlemen, the common ground where Larry Elder and Ralph Nader meet. Only a few million Democrats have been saying this for, oh, 15 years or so.

We are losing the war against drugs

Maaaan. If Larry really thinks that you can't say this in America, he really hasn't been paying attention. Pretty much everyone on the left has been saying since the war against drugs started way back in the early 1980s. Proof, I guess, that the right wing only listens to itself.

The ultimate goal of gun control is confiscation

Well, I guess if by "ultimate" you mean "final". Even then, you could, I dunno, melt them into plowshares or something. As a pro-gun ownership nut myself, I don't necessarily have a problem with the libertarian proposition that there should be few, if any, limits on firearms possession, but why is it whenever someone meekly suggests that maybe you should have to wait a few days before buying an assault rifle, or maybe we shouldn't sell pistols to a guy who's been in the joint three times for armed robbery, the right starts going down the Turner Diaries path? Calm down, Larry, no one's gonna take your snipe-hunting iron.

On the Road Friday Means Poll Today! (O.T.R.F.M.P.T.!) [Oaterfimpot!]

Poll #655548 The Poll From Which We Will Learn Nothing, NOTHING

Do you ever use the hot air hand-dryers in public bathrooms?

Yes, because I like the feeling of hot air on my hands
Yes, because I think that actually getting your hands dry after washing them is overrated
Yes, because I am a smug tree-hugger who thinks wasting electricity is better than wasting paper
No, because I am klassy and prefer wiping my hands on my pants
No, because I can't figure out how to work that crazy machine
No, because shut up
Do I do what in the who now?
I pay the colored boy to wipe them on his hair
I can't believe how racist the previous answer is
I use both the paper and the air dryer so as to maximize waste

What disease, ailment or condition would you enjoy having?

Dengue fever
Swimmer's itch
Fructose malabsorbtion (a.k.a. Whipple's Disease)
other (see Comments)
I would not ENJOY having any of them, thank you very much

Pick a hockey player.

Frantisek Kaberle
Petr Kanko
Kyle Kettles
Jakub Kindl
Miikka Kiprusoff
Rostislav Klesla
Sergey Klyazmine
Zenith Komarniski
Zenon Konopka
Seamus Kotyk
Milan Kraft
Kamil Kreps
Jason Krog
Staffan Kronwall
Zdenek Kutlak

Infinite Crisis, am I right?

Seriously, man, what the fuck, SUPERBOY KICKS A DOG
Rules, dude, like that samurai dude totally got bifurcated
Why would you put gloves and boots on Chemo?

Is there a foreign or regional accent you find s-e-x-x-y? If so, tell me what it is.