February 1st, 2006


And what, exactly, is our government doing about Gorilla Grodd?

The real news from last night's State of the Union address isn't that Bush was completely full of shit; who doesn't expect that anymore?

Nor was it that if you played the State of the Union Drinking Game that you would have consumed over 110 shots*, enough to kill an entire football team. Anyone who can sit through an hour-long speech by that clown has a cast-iron stomach anyway.

No, the real news was this:

A hopeful society has institutions of science and medicine that do not cut ethical corners, and that recognize the matchless value of every life. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research -- human cloning in all its forms -- creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos.

So, apparently, not content to keep us in perpetual fear of Osama bin-Laden, the Bush team now wants us to worry about attacks from Dr. Moreau and the High Evolutionary, and money that would normally be spent protecting us from al-Q'aeda will now go to an elite anti-werewolf battalion.

*: A breakdown...Collapse )

Candygram for Mr. Bin-Laden!

Jonah Goldberg, over at the Corner on National Review Online, continues to prove that his heart really isn't in neoconservativism and he'd rather be at home with his fellow 12-year-olds playing "Spy Hunter":

What if Bush offered/accepted [bin-Laden's cease-fire] and then, under the flag of truce, had Osama killed and his minions rounded up? It’s amusing to imagine what some of Bush’s biggest critics might say.

Boy, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME, Jonah! Maybe we could, I dunno, have some ninjas dress up like telephone repairmen, and then when Osama lets them in, they totally stab him with shurikens! And then all the guys in al-Q'aeda would surrender, just like at the end of The Postman! That would show those wimpy liberals.

As Digby puts it, "I think killing Osama is going to require a different brand of cunning than the sort required to get B.A. on an airplane".
i'm driving!


Lately, one of the trends that incompetent automakers hope will save their flagging sales numbers is the concept of "branding" special-edition automobiles. That is to say, they partner with other corporations to make cars that feature that corporation's products, themes or essence, in hopes that dull-witted people with more money than sense will pony up an extra five grand to have a brand name stuck on their car's ass as if it were a pair of overpriced jeans. Examples of this include the DUB edition Chevy Tahoe, whatever that is; the Sony Limited Edition Ford Focus, which features an amped-up Sony sound system and comes in extreme colors like "Pitch Black" and "Going Platinum"; the Ron Jon Special Edition PT Cruiser for flaccid, aging Beach Boys enthusiasts, and the Coach Leather Special Edition Lexus SUV that comes with luxury-themed interiors and a Coach leather bag, for people who blow cigar smoke in your face to remind you that they have lots of money.

I don't see any reason this idea can't be expanded.

THE 2008 WAL-MART CHERY SEDAN. Like Wal-Mart, Chery automobiles are all made in China, and like Wal-Mart, they're geared towards consumers for whom Target and Yugo are too high-toned and snooty. This special edition 'affordable luxury' sedan comes with a Wal-Mart smiley-face on the hood, a trunk full of cheap diapers and discount soda, a Nakamichi stereo system with real "Woof Boxens", and an attractive price tag of $659.95. It automatically detects the presence of union membership cards and will not start if one is within 100 feet of the passenger seat. Buy one today and put your neighbor's car out of business!

THE 2007 MICROSOFT SPECIAL EDITION CHEVROLET CAVALIER. General Motors, the most successful auto manufacturer in the world, and Microsoft, the most succesful software developer in the world, team up at last for this mid-sized dynamo that runs entirely on Windows XP. A highly effective security system ensures that no one but you, and maybe not even you, can get into the car; and thanks to its side impact air bags and numerous crumple zones, the only crashes you need to worry about are the ones caused by kernel errors in the operating system -- and those only happen three, four times a day, tops.

THE 2006 ENRON SPECIAL EDITION TOYOTA CAMRY. Sure, its resale value is only $300, but on paper, it's $224,000!

THE 2007 MAGIC: THE GATHERING SPECIAL EDITION CHRYSLER SEBRING. All the sporty looks and feel of a Sebring, with all the hot action and social status of Magic: The Gathering! Comes with a free sleeve of plastic card protectors, a DVD of ESPN2's coverage of the 2004 MTG Tourney*, and a month's free membership on Match.com. It's also an environmentally friendly car that runs on a hybrid model of electricity, gasoline, and booster packs. Buy six of them in hopes of getting the Rare Variant: it has green sidewalls!

Now you.

*: I swear to you, this really happened. ESPN2 provided live coverage, with play-by-play and color commentary, of a collectible fantasy card game tournament.