February 10th, 2006

hail to the chump

Soooo....

...who wants to buy me a paid account? Mine's about to crap out.

If I were someone actually talented, like calamityjon, I would offer a pretty drar-ing in exchange for this. But I am a mere hack who spends his days interviewing people who aren't famous. I cannot offer you a pretty drar-ing. I could offer you a poem, or a story, or one of those joke things I write that aren't actually funny, but that's what people do when they want to give you a present but they don't have any money.

However, I am moving pretty soon, and in moving, I will be shedding myself of a whole fucking lot of material possessions. So, assuming you're not a big enough sucker to buy me a paid account just because you enjoy my third-rate James Wolcott routine, or because you're hoping I'll write you a story where the Human Target does She-Hulk in the can, here's what I will offer:

- 1 (one) digital video disc;
- 2 (two) books -- one fiction, one not;
- 3 (three) audio compact discs, mix or not; and
- 4 (four) comic books.

All from the Leonard Pierce collection but not making the move north with me, and all of my choice, but I'll make a vaguely worded promise that they don't entirely blow. These will you receive in exchange for ponying up another year's worth of this frantic time-suck on my behalf. What else are you gonna do with that money, retire? Eat? Give me a fucking break.

EDIT: It is done! Profound thankees to all who responded; I'll try to be occasionally amusing for your kindness.
banana

Come on, admit, it, won't you miss these things if I lose my paid account?

Poll? POLL. POLL!

Poll #670506 Fridaytime, and the polling is easy

What's your soda pop of choice, sport?

Coke straight up, big daddy
9(14.3%)
Coke diet, podner
10(15.9%)
Pepsi neat, ace
4(6.3%)
Pepsi no sugar, kiddo
4(6.3%)
Dr. Pepper, jack
5(7.9%)
some variety of clear citrus pop, son
5(7.9%)
some variety of fruit-flavored soda, buddy boy
1(1.6%)
some other kind of carbonated beverage I will detail in comments, cool dude
15(23.8%)
I do not drink soda pop because it's gross
6(9.5%)
I can't help but notice a horrid stench of desperation around these poll questions
4(6.3%)

Okay, enough kid stuff. Name your poison(s).

Beer
3(4.7%)
Wine
4(6.2%)
Whiskey
3(4.7%)
Rum
1(1.6%)
Gin
1(1.6%)
Vodka
1(1.6%)
Tequila
0(0.0%)
Brandy
0(0.0%)
Cognac
0(0.0%)
Champagne
0(0.0%)
Liqueur
0(0.0%)
Mead
0(0.0%)
Froufy carbonated wine/malt liquor bullshit
0(0.0%)
Rubbing alcohol
0(0.0%)
I don't drink, you savage
7(10.9%)

To which high school cliques did/do you belong?

Jocks/cheerleaders/popular kids
0(0.0%)
Nerds/computer lab crowd/AV club
0(0.0%)
Geeks/losers/fanboys
1(1.6%)
Goth/mod/emo crowd
1(1.6%)
Punk/metal crowd
2(3.2%)
Gangbangers
0(0.0%)
Hipster/indie/cool kids
0(0.0%)
Drama fags/theatre people/art school prep
3(4.8%)
Dirty filthy hippies
0(0.0%)
Student government/Young Republican/college prep grinds
0(0.0%)
incredibly dull, well-behaved kids that nobody noticed
5(7.9%)
guys who hung out under the bleachers wearing hats with earflaps and wondering what you would do with that one girl's kidneys if you ever got hold of them
0(0.0%)
I find this question demeaning and embarrassing beyond description
0(0.0%)
I totally wasn't part of a clique in high school because, like, I was my OWN PERSON! I wasn't, like, a JOINER, man, I did my own thing and was totally a rebel
3(4.8%)
Wait, no! I was one of the cool kids! What?
0(0.0%)

If you could choose only one artistic medium in which to immerse yourself for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

I would choose literature, because it is clearly the very stuff of which all other art is a mere shadow.
18(28.6%)
Literature is for people who don't have any actual talent, so obviously, I would choose the visual arts.
6(9.5%)
The visual arts are fine if you enjoy recreating your toddler years when you drew on walls with yogurt, but as for me, I favor the medium of film.
9(14.3%)
Yes, there's nothing like film for pretentious, immature masturbators with no attention span. But for me: music.
11(17.5%)
Doesn't music start to lose its appeal once you realize it's not bagging you the impressionable teenagers anymore? I prefer the greatness of drama.
3(4.8%)
As I am neither a narcissist nor a homosexual, I have never enjoyed drama, and would much rather partake of poetry.
0(0.0%)
Ha ha, wait, you're not gay, but you like poetry? Please. Philosophy is for me.
1(1.6%)
Hold, on, wait, since when is philosophy an artistic medium? And aren't drama and film essentially the same? Just like, for that matter, poetry and literature? This whole question is confusing.
6(9.5%)
Not to mention manipulative.
3(4.8%)
So fuck you, Leonard, you nad.
6(9.5%)

What do you most look forward to complaining about when you are elderly?