Town Hall stalwart Bruce Bartlett has written a book about how George W. Bush is destroying conservativism; the President's approval ratings are lower than any ever posted by his predecessor, according to a CBS News poll; a group of evangelical Christians have launched a major initiative to combat global warming; and "Prickly City" is actually kinda funny today.
THE WORLD'S GONE TOPSY TURVY.
Hey, today is Fat Tuesday! Happy Fat Tuesday, everyone! Now, I'm not Catholic, I'm not from New Orleans, and I don't know anything about how this holiday works, but here's some ways I'm guessing you can celebrate, based on information I pieced together from subliminal learning tapes, bubble gum wrappers, and overheard conversations in a language I believe was French, or possible Russian.
1. Wear a set of colorful beads. If you don't have a set of beads, simply display your breasts to the nearest camera, and you will be rewarded with beads.
2. You are legally entitled to "go wild" for the next 24 hours without fear of legal repercussion. Note that this is different from "wilding", which is only legally permissible during the Puerto Rican Day parade.
3. Have a big slice of King Cake. If you find a toy baby in your slice, you are the lucky winner who gets to be King of Louisiana for the next year! Your word will be law, the national guard will serve at your leisure, and you will have driot de seigneur over all LSU and Tulane co-eds. If you find a real baby in your slice, you must report your baker to the police immediately.
4. As the Cajun expression has it, "let the good times roll"! Ways you can let the good times roll: rolling dice, rolling dough, rolling a drunk, rolling on the river, rolling stones, rolling a joint, or bringing something to a rolling boil. [DID YOU KNOW? 'Cajun' stands for 'Arcadian', and refers to the French immigrants' love for arcade games such as Asteroids (Asteroïdes), Frogger (Le Jeu de Grenouille), and Ms. Pac-Man (L'épouse du petit homme jaune qui mange des points). In New Orleans, it is considered traditional to make the "Pac-Man dying" beep noises when you are about to vomit from alcohol abuse.]
5. Fat Tuesday is about honoring our savior, Jesus Christ, by being really fat, or by getting really fat. If you're fat already, celebrate your fatness by taking your shirt off (a good idea on Fat Tuesday anyway) and smearing food all over your bloated torso -- try a traditional Mardi Gras item like etouffe, gumbo, or six sticks of half-melted butter. If you're not fat, then engage in the time-honored practice of climbing to the top of a ladder with eight bags of lard and a bucket of salt and not coming down until you're too fat to come down! Bon cher ami ange blah blah garontee!