February 28th, 2006

flavored with age

I'm Crazy Leo, I'm slashing throats!

Town Hall stalwart Bruce Bartlett has written a book about how George W. Bush is destroying conservativism; the President's approval ratings are lower than any ever posted by his predecessor, according to a CBS News poll; a group of evangelical Christians have launched a major initiative to combat global warming; and "Prickly City" is actually kinda funny today.

party time

Laissez le bon bluh bluh faire roulez blah!

Hey, today is Fat Tuesday! Happy Fat Tuesday, everyone! Now, I'm not Catholic, I'm not from New Orleans, and I don't know anything about how this holiday works, but here's some ways I'm guessing you can celebrate, based on information I pieced together from subliminal learning tapes, bubble gum wrappers, and overheard conversations in a language I believe was French, or possible Russian.

1. Wear a set of colorful beads. If you don't have a set of beads, simply display your breasts to the nearest camera, and you will be rewarded with beads.

2. You are legally entitled to "go wild" for the next 24 hours without fear of legal repercussion. Note that this is different from "wilding", which is only legally permissible during the Puerto Rican Day parade.

3. Have a big slice of King Cake. If you find a toy baby in your slice, you are the lucky winner who gets to be King of Louisiana for the next year! Your word will be law, the national guard will serve at your leisure, and you will have driot de seigneur over all LSU and Tulane co-eds. If you find a real baby in your slice, you must report your baker to the police immediately.

4. As the Cajun expression has it, "let the good times roll"! Ways you can let the good times roll: rolling dice, rolling dough, rolling a drunk, rolling on the river, rolling stones, rolling a joint, or bringing something to a rolling boil. [DID YOU KNOW? 'Cajun' stands for 'Arcadian', and refers to the French immigrants' love for arcade games such as Asteroids (Asteroïdes), Frogger (Le Jeu de Grenouille), and Ms. Pac-Man (L'épouse du petit homme jaune qui mange des points). In New Orleans, it is considered traditional to make the "Pac-Man dying" beep noises when you are about to vomit from alcohol abuse.]

5. Fat Tuesday is about honoring our savior, Jesus Christ, by being really fat, or by getting really fat. If you're fat already, celebrate your fatness by taking your shirt off (a good idea on Fat Tuesday anyway) and smearing food all over your bloated torso -- try a traditional Mardi Gras item like etouffe, gumbo, or six sticks of half-melted butter. If you're not fat, then engage in the time-honored practice of climbing to the top of a ladder with eight bags of lard and a bucket of salt and not coming down until you're too fat to come down! Bon cher ami ange blah blah garontee!
good grief

Tyra Banks=Fool

Tyra Banks, the supermodel who makes other supermodels look like crazy super-scientists or something, has done a lot for mankind. She donated her face for makeup experiments so we could all learn what makeup looks like on Tyra Banks' face; she conquered her own crippling fear of dolphins; she kicked that snobby med student off America's Top Model because she was lording it over everyone with her being "smart" and knowing "multisyllabic words" and her "not believing in God"; and best of all, she was willing to go undercover as a fat lady to break the astonishing story that people treat obese women somewhat differently than they treat thin, well-dressed, beautiful women.

But Tyra is not done serving mankind, oh no. There are mysteries to unravel, enigmas to crack, secrets to unearth. She's not quitting, not by a longshot. Tyra is our own Lawrence of Arabia, our Mata Hari, our Spy in the House of Love, as she goes undercover at a strip club to figure out why men visit them.

"When I found out the majority of business is from males from married homes, I wanted to go inside the minds of the men who frequent these clubs. I wanted to see and hear why they went. And the only way to do that was to go undercover and see for myself."

Not to rain on Tyra's pretty parade, but there is one other way to learn why men go to strip clubs; that would be by asking anyone in the country. I don't want to spoil it for her, but the answer has four letters and rhymes with "it's".