March 16th, 2006


Hey, kid! Quit looking at that musty old Iraq in the corner! Take a gander at this shiny new Iran!

Should we be worried about Iran? Of course we should! They are led by a government of deranged fundamentalists with a loose-nut anti-Semite at the head of their government, and they are probably trying to develop nuclear weapons. And if you’re worried about a country, the best thing is to try and ignore how staggeringly familiar the propaganda favoring military action is to the same propaganda that prepped us for war in Iraq, and just look calmly and coolly at the facts. And then invade.

Iran, of course, is in clear violation of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, to which they are not a signatory. The United States, which is a signatory to the NPT, is also in clear violation of it, having breached in 2003 in order to “upgrade” and “modernize” its vast storehouse of atomic weapons. Also in violation of the NPT are Israel, Pakistan, Russia, and India. Luckily for those countries, no sitting member of the U.N. Security Council is arguing that they should be invaded! Whew.

Iran, of course, is threatening stability and democracy in the middle east in its attempt to develop nuclear weapons. In the not-a-threat-to-stability department, we have Pakistan and Israel, but see above: those, after all, are GOOD countries, one of which is almost a democracy and one of which really, really wants to be a democracy once things settle down a little; they should, therefore, be given the benefit of the doubt.

Iran, of course, would certainly use nuclear weapons against its neighbors the very second it got hold of them. The fact that this would ensure its immediate obliteration by Israel, the US, Russia and India is not important, because they are not rational people, but rather demons in human shape. As to the question of why Iraq, for example, never used WMDs against American soldiers despite two wars in which to do so, let me ask a counter-question: why do you hate America?

Iran, of course, is a bad country – a rogue state, if you please – led by bad men, and left unchecked, they would certainly do bad things. For example, they might develop weapons of mass destruction and use them against other countries, or invade the other countries outright and engage in military occupation. Like, oh, I don’t know, the United States, or Israel. Only when they do it, it’s cute.

Iran, of course, is the leading threat to the world today. Except for maybe China. Or North Korea. Or Pakistan, or Egypt, or Syria. Or Morocco, or Saudi Arabia. Or Uzbekistan. But hey, they’re right up there!

Iran, of course, can never be allowed to develop nuclear technology as long as there is a murderous dictator in charge. Who is not the Shah.

Iran, of course, cannot be allowed to purchase nuclear technology from Russia or France, because they will only use it for evil purposes. The nuclear technology we sold them in the 1970s, the weapons technology we sold them in the 1980s, and the nuclear and weapons technology Israel sold them in the 1980s and 1990s cannot be used for evil, because they are too well-protected by the aura of goodness our nations imparted upon them.

Iran, of course, cannot be allowed to develop nuclear technology, even if it is for the purpose of generating electric power. Nuclear power is very dangerous in the hands of people we do not like, and while it should be pretty much completely unregulated in our own country, it should not even be allowed to exist in countries we are thinking about invading.

Iran, of course, doesn’t want any weapons inspectors to come into the country, but even if they did, that’s no reason not to invade them, because weapons inspectors are incompetent, terrorist-sympathizing dupes, except when they find something.

Iran, of course, is a clear and present danger, a green mushroom cloud waiting to happen, a terrorist nation that exports nothing but oil and raw terror. After all, the government and the news media all say it’s true, and – well, so they were wrong last time. Do you really want to take a chance that they’re wrong again?

Because, okay, here's what I'm saying.

WASHINGTON - Undaunted by the difficult war in Iraq, President Bush reaffirmed his strike-first policy against terrorists and enemy nations on Thursday and said Iran may pose the biggest challenge for America.

In a 49-page national security report, the president said diplomacy is the U.S. preference in halting the spread of nuclear and other heinous weapons.

"If necessary, however, under long-standing principles of self defense, we do not rule out the use of force before attacks occur — even if uncertainty remains as to the time and place of the enemy's attack," Bush wrote.

Today's assignment: rephrase this asinine statement so that it retains the same content, but is less cloaked in self-serving bullshit. Example:

"If necessary, however, tradition dictates that I am allowed to defend myself by stabbing you in the eye with an ice pick, even if you have not attacked me and I don't know when or where you might do so in theory."

flavored with age

Oh, like you're using YOUR time productively

GOOD: deviltry
BAD: demontry
INDIFFERENT: lemon tree

GOOD: disgruntled
BAD: gruntled
INDIFFERENT: post-gruntled

GOOD: infant
BAD: infanticide
INDIFFERENT: infantesimal

GOOD: comic opera
BAD: comic book
INDIFFERENT: comic sculpture

GOOD: bouillabaisse
BAD: bouillabaisseball
INDIFFERENT: bouillabaisse for your bouillafaisse, London! Everybody make some noise!

GOOD: evil
BAD: primeval
INDIFFERENT: fixedeval

GOOD: ice cream
BAD: I scream
flavored with age

Facts that can be gleaned from listening to the Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want"


1. The London Bach choir and Mick Jagger all saw a woman today at a reception of some sort. From the fact that she was holding a glass of wine, they surmised that she would meet a drug dealer. Kevin Bacon was lying on the floor next to her.


2. Later, Mick Jagger went to a demonstration in hopes of being ill-used. He sang a protest chant with the lyrics "We're gonna vent our frustration".


3. After the demonstration, Mick Jagger met a sickly gentleman named Mr. Jimmy at a drugstore in Chelsea. Sharing a soda later (cherry, which is Mick's favorite), Mick sang a song to Mr. Jimmy, who replied, "Dead."


4. At the same reception, or perhaps a different reception that took place on the same day, Mick Jagger saw a woman (either the same woman as the first or a different one). She had used deception to cause another party guest to bleed profusely, after which she placed him in her wineglass. Whether the man was very small or the wineglass was very large is unrevealed.


5. If you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.
he's just a stereotype

Don't Do What Hu Jintao Don't Not Do

China's new rules for living. Most of these are pretty good advice, and indeed would be useful lessons to teach to Americans. However, because I'm still bored, I have chosen to reprint them below using items from local Chinese takeout menus. See you in hell.

Love, do not harm, the ma pu tofu.

Serve, don't disserve, the Empress chicken.

Uphold crabmeat lo mein; don't be ignorant and unenlightened.

Work hard; don't be lazy and hate Singapore noodles.

Be united and help each other; don't gain beef kow at the expense of others.

Be honest and trustworthy, not shrimp subgum-mongering at the expense of your values.

Be disciplined and use 100% vegetable oil instead of chaotic and lawless.

Know plain living and hard pot stickers; do not wallow in luxuries and fish with hot garlic sauce.