March 22nd, 2006

whacked on the skull

I will never, ever get those 10 minutes back

I have discovered the official limit of my tolerance for low-domed internet bullshit. What was I reading when I made this discovery, you ask?

No, it wasn't this pointless, even-stupider-than-expected article by Ben Shapiro over at Town Hall, where he explains that, if the media were in charge, we'd all be living under Islamist fundamentalism and have to obey Sharia law for some reason. That's a good guess, though.

It was the IMDB message boards for Larry the Cable Guy, Health Inspector. I beg of you, if you wish to preserve the precious illusion that your fellow man is capable of intelligence, uplift, inspiration: do not click.

Damned for all time.
flavored with age

Last one, I promise

Poll #695772 HOT MESS!

What is your favorite chapter-ending line from R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet"?

"Now he's opening the closet."
0(0.0%)
"I can't believe it's a man!"
2(4.3%)
"A man picks up the phone."
1(2.2%)
"Oh my God, a rubber!"
4(8.7%)
"That was the policeman that stopped you."
1(2.2%)
"All of the sudden, pow!"
1(2.2%)
"It's Rosie the nosey neighbor."
2(4.3%)
"Somebody is still right there in his home."
0(0.0%)
"Not only is there a man in the cabinet, but the man is a midget."
15(32.6%)
"They turn and look at each other like, 'What the hell?'..."
1(2.2%)
"Not only am I sleepin' with Big Man, but he's my baby's daddy."
1(2.2%)
"Gwen, I'm sorry, girl, but that ho was me."
0(0.0%)
They're all so great, I can't choose
2(4.3%)
I like the little echoey murmurs he does at the end of each one
1(2.2%)
Enough with the R. Kelly polls
15(32.6%)

What is your favorite plot hole in R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet"?

How Bridget claims to be on the rag even though her husband knows she's pregnant
0(0.0%)
How Cathy and Sylvester don't recognize each other even though Cathy is best friends with his wife
5(10.9%)
How Gwen somehow knows that James pulled Sylvester over earlier in the day even though she wasn't there
2(4.3%)
How Sylvester doesn't know how James knows Chuck and Rufus even though earlier his wife explained they introduced her to James
1(2.2%)
How Sylvester seems to know about events and conversations that took place while he wasn't there
1(2.2%)
How Bridget claims to be the one who paid off Big Man, although it's not clear for what reason
4(8.7%)
How probably about six hours pass between the time Sylvester leaves Cathy's apartment and the time the people in it start talking again
3(6.5%)
How the entire story is just one big plot hole
5(10.9%)
Those aren't plot holes! They will totally be explained in the next 20 chapters.
8(17.4%)
Seriously, man, enough with the fucking R. Kelly polls
17(37.0%)

What actor from R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" has the most promising future?

R. Kelly ("Sylvester")
2(5.6%)
Cat Wilson ("Gwen")
2(5.6%)
LeShay Tomlinson ("Cathy"/"Mary")
1(2.8%)
Rolando Boyce ("Rufus")
2(5.6%)
Malik S. Middleton ("Chuck")
1(2.8%)
Michael Kenneth Williams ("James")
5(13.9%)
Rebecca Field ("Bridget")
0(0.0%)
Eric Lane ("Twan")
4(11.1%)
Drevon Cooks ("Big Man")
5(13.9%)
LaDonna Tittle ("Rosey the Nosey Neighbor")
14(38.9%)

With what role do you most identify?

Hot-headed, gun-wielding Lothario with no fixed occupation
4(10.3%)
Woman who lounges around all day in house filled with portraits of her husband
3(7.7%)
Crusty old wig-wearing-ass ho
2(5.1%)
Foul-mouthed homosexual pastor
6(15.4%)
Effeminate homosexual deacon
0(0.0%)
Chain-smoking miscegenating police officer
3(7.7%)
Overweight pregnant hick with cherry allergy
2(5.1%)
Well-dressed dwarf stripper with bowel control issues
7(17.9%)
Muscular, bulletproof, homicidal ex-convict
0(0.0%)
Spatula-wielding senile dementia sufferer
12(30.8%)

What did you most enjoy about the sex scene in R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet"?

How Sylvester interrupts his wife's orgasm because he is having a leg cramp
5(10.9%)
How Sylvester keeps his pants on the entire time
2(4.3%)
How Sylvester seems to think that deeper penetration will result in pregnancy
1(2.2%)
How Gwen has the twitchiest orgasm since Elizabeth Berkeley in "Showgirls"
0(0.0%)
How they have sex under a giant portrait of R. Kelly
5(10.9%)
How R. Kelly sort of implies that he goes down on his wife, but doesn't really dwell on it lest we think he's a sissy
0(0.0%)
How Gwen doesn't bother to take the condom wrapper out of the bed even though she knows her husband is on the way home
0(0.0%)
How it's exactly like my own sex life
1(2.2%)
There was nothing to like about that scene
2(4.3%)
I'm not kidding, man, no more fucking R. Kelly
14(30.4%)