April 6th, 2006

crushing your head

Sometimes

Sometimes you will go somewhere, somewhere "out". Like a fast food joint, or a Target. This cannot be avoided. There will be someone working the counter, and they will be underpaid and overworked, and 100% not Caucasian. They will sometimes be the only ones working there. They are harried.

Sometimes there will be someone standing behind you in (or on, if you are of that inclination or training) line. They will almost always be a man in his mid-40s or 50s, and sometimes they will have a mustache. They will study the menu/their purchases intensely as if they contain the keys to enlightenment or the path to riches. They may actually believe their hot dog or DVD of Trading Spaces will mean the difference between success and failure. They are low-middle management men and have a lot of books about 'excellence'. They approve of the concept of 'service', as it applies to them, but not of the concept that you get what you pay for.

Sometimes the latter will address the former, perhaps about bagging speed or the insufficient fervor with which hot dog delivery is accomplished, and they will say "This is the express lane. That wasn't very express."

It is not appropriate to laugh, here, just as it is not appropriate to punch when the plaintiff, who is parked next to you, throws some trash on the ground. His mustache and tie afford him a certain dignity that must not be diminished.
mmmmm delicious

Speaking of complaining...

...I have accepted an assignment to eat a raw food diet for a week and write about my impressions and experiences. The closer I get to the deadline, the more I dread it.

For those of you unfamiliar with raw food diets (which are apparently very trendy right now following their appearance on some British food show), it is a diet which restricts you to food that is vegetarian (there are 'raw animal food diets', but that's not the kind I'm doing, so no vodka-soaked steak tartare for me), unprocessed, and uncooked. In other words, it's mostly food from which all the flavor has been deliberately excluded. Boy, am I looking forward to it! Here's what I can have:

- Lots of raw vegetables, which is fine. I loves me some salads.
- Sauces that do not require any cooking, pickling or aging. Yum, yum!
- Rice, as long as it's not cooked. The delicious texture of crunchy rice that has been soaked in tapwater overnight is in my future.
- Nuts, which are the single solitary source of protein in this diet, since you can't have meat or dairy or beans or tofu or pretty much anything else. But to make this even more inviting, the nuts cannot have been cooked or roasted or anything else. Which means: raw peanuts and blanched almonds with as much flavor as spackle. You can press them into something called a "raw foods burger"! If you're a complete tool!
- Nothing else.

I got an e-mail this morning from the doctor I'm consulting for the piece, who happily thinks the whole thing is stupid but is giving me some good dietary advice just the same. Still awaiting word from the chef I'm interviewing, who is a raw foods evangelist; my guess is he hasn't got the strength to type. (A good writer always approaches his subject with objectivity, you see.) Any of you who have done this, please feel free to toss me some advice; the rest of you can just feel sorry for me. Right now I'm going to eat a big fat dead cooked sausage.
blowhard

Found during research for a possible gig, but too ridiculous to include in my sample work

Ann Coulter sets the tone for her new book with a subtle, well-reasoned column: Liberals hate Tom DeLay more than Osama bin-Laden.

Even proud American corporations find their names being turned into curse words by liberals, such as "Halliburton," which is currently losing money in Iraq in order to supply food to our troops

HA HA HA HA whatever you say, crazy Ann! Halliburton is LOSING MONEY in Iraq! You are a stitcheroo!

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese, Oliver North, Clarence Pendleton, Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay -- all these men saw their names used as curse words. Only one of them was ever indicted.

Well, let's see. McCarthy was censured, Nixon resigned rather than be impeached, Reagan had the most-indicted cabinet in history to that point, North was found not guilty of extremely serious charges on a technicality, Meese was investigated by four different special prosecutors, Pendleton was so hostile to civil rights that people on both sides of the political spectrum asked him to resign, Gingrich spearheaded a "revolution" so lame that it swept Democrats to a triumphant second term in the White House, and Rove is widely considered the biggest scumbag in American politics. But only one was ever technically indicted! So that's something to be proud of!

Oh, whoops: Oliver North was indicted too. On sixteen felony counts. But still!