June 19th, 2006

bad motherfucker

40 more reasons L.L. Cool J is better than you

This is dedicated to my awesome girlfriend ninafarina. She and her ridiculously adorable daughter gave me a fine weekend and a couple of swell presents for "Leonard's Day", and so, by request, here we go.

1. He is hard as hell.
2. He will battle anybody.
3. He doesn't care who you tell about his willingness to battle anybody.
4. He excels, while other rappers all fail.
5. You have been starvin' like Marvin* for a song performed by him.
6. If you wept because you thought he was dead, you were not only wrong, you were definitely wrong.
7. He is a tower full of power -- wind, rain or hail.
8. He is the king of crowd-rockers (after, presumably, a period as prince of crowd-rockers).
9. He is as true as a wizard (not a lying, deceitful wizard, but a wizard who always tells the truth).
10. He's rhyming and designing** with your girl on his lap. For sex!
11. His bass is kicking and always sticking, because you like it that way.
12. His music makes you dance because it's def, plus it's by Cool J! To boot!
13. He rocks the bells because that's the name of this jam (not "That's", but rather "Rock the Bells").
14. Even though some girls will not like this jam, it is because he makes a lot of money and their boyfriends don't.***
15. He went to hell just to rock the bells!
16. All the washed-up rappers want to do this well. But they can't !
17. He's known worldwide, whether you like it or not. What can you do about it? Nothing!
18. His DJ will never skip it (it=the record), only rip it (the record, again).
19. His DJ's name, by no means incidentally, is Cut Creator.
20. A.K.A. Phil Pott.
21. And this Cut Creator will drive the crossfader like a Cutmobile, which is a sort of fantastic vehicle driven by exceptionally talented DJs.
22. He (L.L. Cool J, not Cut Creator) can go to the store and get the Old Gold. This may not seem all that impressive, but YOU TRY IT! YOU TRY IT! YOU WILL FAIL!
23. If you crappy-lookin', nappy-headed girls do not get back, there is a 10-1 chance that you might get smacked.****
24. Girls are on his tip (dick) simply because L.L. is his name.
25. Cut Creator is good, but Cool J is good-good! That's two goods! Double good!
26. If you bring the woodpecker, he will bring the wood. What good is a woodpecker without wood? It is worse than useless! It's merely a pecker (dick)!
27. He is not a virgin, and thanks to this quality, he will make Madonna scream (for sex)!
28. You have hated Michael (Jackson) and Prince ever since hearing him.
29. If the aforementioned Michael (Jackson) and Prince had beats that were made of meat*****, they (the beats) would have to be mince.
30. He rhymes on time, like the trains under Mussolini.
31. He will cut a record in 1 second.
32. He will make your DJ look blind. He will not actually be blind, but he will look that way to others, except to actual blind people who wouldn't be able to see it.
33. He is able to identify Jheri-curl suckers wearing high-heeled boots as a Froot Loop troop******.
34. Gonna-bes and wanna-bes have difficulty learning that if they want to be like him, they have to wait their turn.
35. Some suckers don't like him, but he doesn't even care.
36. He earns six thousand dollars for twenty minutes of work.*******
37. He is growing and glowing like a forest blaze.
38. If asked if you like Michael (Jackson), you will automatically respond "We like Cool J!".
39. He's on the mic with the help of the bells. Not that he needs any help!********
40. There's no delaying what he's saying as he's rocking you well! That's polite!

*:Possible Marvins you have been starving like: Hamlisch, Hagler, Gaye, Winans.
**: But not designing like some kind of gay interior decorator, no! Just look at that girl (yours!) on his lap!
****: Actually, the odds are ten for to one against getting slapped. L.L. Cool J has no time for nerdy bookie math!
*****: They don't.
******: Not in the cereal sense, but in the homo sense.
*******: That's $18,000 per hour, or roughly $37 million per year, in case you were wondering. And that's in 1985 dollars! TOP THAT!
********: As evidence, there are no actual bells in the song!
more good news


Speaking of my awesome girlfriend ninafarina, she is the mastermind behind the upcoming Twin Cities reading for LitPAC, a very worthwhile political action committee that aims to involve some of the country's best authors in the political process to raise money for progressive candidates. The event -- 7:30PM on July 20th at the Kitty Cat Klub in Minneapolis, MN -- will be raising money for Colleen Rowley, who's running as a Democrat in Minnesota's 2nd District. Rowley, in case you don't know, is the FBI agent who gave advance notice to the administration of suspicious activity by some of the 9/11 terrorists, only to be ignored; she'll be a good voice in the House if she wins, bringing an antiwar message and supporting universal health care.

Why am I telling you this? What can you do? A lot, as it happens.

1. You can go to the event! It'll be a blast, it's at a great little nightclub, and there will be appearances by great authors like Sheila Heti (Ticknor), Ed Bok Lee (Real Karaoke People), Thisbe Nissen (Osprey Island), Stephen Burt (Parallel Play), LitPAC national coordinator Stephen Elliott (Looking Forward To It), and political comedy superstar Al Franken (The Truth, with Jokes).

2. You can volunteer! Like all PACs, LitPAC thrives on donations, and can always use help. If you're interested in giving time to a group that combines arts and literature with progressive politics, just visit their website to find out how. Other LitPAC authors include talented bigshots like Steve Almond, Lydia Davis, Jonathan Franzen, Malcolm Gladwell, Rick Moody, Markos ("Daily Kos") Moulitsas, Tom Perrotta, David Rakoff, Daniel ("Lemony Snicket") Handler, Colson Whitehead, Michelle Tea and Tobias Wolff. In addition to direct fundraising, LitPAC registers voters at author events and readings (including in targeted districts) and has authors call voters in swing states to discuss why progressive candidates deserve their support.

3. You can give money! Donations are always welcome for the national PAC (visit their website), but you don't have to be in Minnesota to support the Twin Cities event; Colleen Rowley's win would be a win for progressive America as a whole, and for a mere $50 (or $70 for a couple), you can become an event sponsor and have your name read at the event. Learn all about the event here, and thanks again.

4. You can convince others to give money! For a puny $100, your organization or company can become an orgnaizational sponsor, which gets their name and/or logo put on the poster and media materials for the event. Write to litpacmn at gmail dot com for details on organization and event sponsorships.

Much, much thanks to any and all of you who help with this -- right about now, getting progressive candidates elected is about the best thing you can do for America.