June 30th, 2006

it's magic

Cute Kid Story #jillion

Conversation between me and Li'l' Duce the other day:

LI'L' DUCE: You be Santa Claus.
ME: Okay. Who are you, now?
LI'L' DUCE: I Santa Claus too.
ME: Okay. What's going on, Santa?
LI'L' DUCE: Come over here. Look at the BRIDGE!
ME: What? What's wrong with the bridge?
LI'L' DUCE: It goes over WATER!
ME: Bridges are supposed to go over water.
LI'L' DUCE: But...but in this water is a CROCODILE!
ME: Oh, man. What do we do? I guess we better look at it.
LI'L' DUCE: See? CROCODILE.
ME: I think you should tell it to go away and have dinner elsewhere.
LI'L' DUCE: GO AWAY!

Also, although I was not there to witness it, I am reliably informed by ninafarina that she calls the 'Don't Walk' sign the "high five light".
that's that

A return to blah blah blahdiddy

Okay, this first one requires some explanation: last week, CityPages (the big free weekly here in the Twin Cities) featured a cover story on "rock's next big gay thing" -- the current big gay thing, presumably, being Ricky Martin -- a shitty faux-metal band called Faggot. The band is fronted by a likable-seeming 48-year-old gay man named Tim Carroll, who apparently views the noxious, untalented shock-rock group as therapy for the tragedies in his life, including the death of his lover of many years and seeing a friend of his beaten to death in a gay-bashing incident. Fine; more power to him. He seems like a fine fellow. Less fine, though, is the group's manager, guitarist, mastermind and provocateur, a repugnant hipster named Jason Wade (who is, like the other two people in the band, not gay). Every time the article mentions anything at all about him, you just want to punch him in the face. So:

Poll #759376 Fried foods Freitag

What is the most repulsive thing about Jason Wade?

He is in a band called "Faggot", even though he is not gay
0(0.0%)
In fact, he is in a committed relationship with a woman, but he makes jokes about being gay anyway, even though he isn't
1(2.0%)
He wears taped-together nerd glasses for show
3(6.0%)
He has a drawn-on Fu Manchu mustache
2(4.0%)
He has fake gray muttonchops
0(0.0%)
His favorite greeting is "What's up, bitch?"
3(6.0%)
He's making an 'experimental' horror film called "Stabber"
0(0.0%)
He likes to go to clubs and get naked so he can show his asshole to "jocks"
2(4.0%)
He is from Rapid City, and he calls it "Rapid"
3(6.0%)
He and his girlfriend make walking-around money by appearing on daytime talk shows
1(2.0%)
He once got thrown out of a Mason Jennings show for yelling "FUCK THIS!" during the first acoustic song
1(2.0%)
He has a tattoo of a flying dick with cum spurting out of it
11(22.0%)
He wears a thong made of tacos
2(4.0%)
He once sponsored a "Dress to Get Raped" party
17(34.0%)
But it's all okay! Because it's ironic! And, uh, queer-positive, or something!
4(8.0%)

What is the biggest mistake in recent liquor-marketing history?

Zima
9(16.7%)
wine coolers/malt liquor drinks
6(11.1%)
flavored vodka/whiskey
3(5.6%)
Coors "Artic Ice"
5(9.3%)
Jell-O shots
2(3.7%)
specialty martinis
4(7.4%)
white people co-opting forties
7(13.0%)
microbrewed light beer
5(9.3%)
gimmicky/cutesy/rique names for mixed drinks
10(18.5%)
other (see Comments)
3(5.6%)

Which of my picks for Best Albums of '06 (So Far) have you heard?

Aceyalone, "Magnificent City"
0(0.0%)
Beans, "Only"
0(0.0%)
Belle & Sebastian, "The Life Pursuit"
3(8.8%)
Boris, "Pink"
0(0.0%)
Built to Spill, "You in Reverse"
0(0.0%)
Neko Case, "Fox Confessor Brings the Flood"
3(8.8%)
The Coup, "Pick a Bigger Weapon"
0(0.0%)
CX-Kidtronik, "Krak Attack"
0(0.0%)
Destroyer, "Destroyer's Rubies"
0(0.0%)
The Fiery Furnaces, "Bitter Tea"
1(2.9%)
Five Deez, "Kommunicator"
0(0.0%)
Ghostface Killah, "Fishscale"
0(0.0%)
Gnarls Barkley, "St. Elsewhere"
4(11.8%)
His Name Is Alive, "Detrola"
0(0.0%)
Mason Jennings, "Boneclouds"
0(0.0%)
Mr. Lif, "Mo'Mega"
0(0.0%)
The Rakes, "Capture/Release"
0(0.0%)
Spank Rock, "Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo"
0(0.0%)
T.I., "King"
0(0.0%)
We Are Scientists, "With Love and Squalor"
0(0.0%)

What's your attitude on sin and sinners?

I hate the sin, but I love the sinner
10(20.4%)
I love the sin, but I hate the sinner
5(10.2%)
I hate both the sin and the sinner
12(24.5%)
I love both the sin and the sinner
17(34.7%)
I hate the skin, but I love the chewy center
5(10.2%)

Time to add something to the Netflix queue! What should it be?

blowhard

"Where are your ca-hoonies?"

I don't have as much time as I used to for poring over the political blogs, but this (via Porter) is too good not to share. It's Pamela Oshry, the awful harridan of the Atlas Shrugs blog, doing her very first video blog!

It's ungentlemanly to attack one's political foes for their appearance, so let's instead focus on:

* her horrid Lun-Guylind accent
* her inability to complete a sentence
* her attacks on George Clooney for not talking about "jee-had"
* the way her mind seems unable to focus on anything she is actually saying
* the way she has pressed her hapless children into parroting her deranged political views by ceaseless nagging

Oh, it's a real treat. And when you're done with that, why not prep yourself for the release of the Strangers With Candy movie by digging video excerpts of Florrie Fisher, another mentally unbalanced woman with a fierce Noo Yawk accent and the original model for Jerri Blank? The first excerpt, where she discusses how "I was thrown from a horse and I had to have a laminectomy, and I ended up in the San Francisco General Hospital, where I was operated on by the same doctor who operated on the late Jayne Mansfield's son Zoltan when he was mauled by the lion", is one of the most batshit things you'll ever see until Pam's next v-log.