July 3rd, 2006

i brung you purty flowers

It's HATE MAIL MONDAY!

Apparently inspired by the fact that his team didn't lose all three of their games against the White Sox over the weekend, die-hard Cubs fan Jason Douglass wrote me a little mash note this morning:

At least CUBS fans dont like to brag about how good they are. Think of it this way the sox are worl champions but the cubbies are world knowen. The cubbies have wrigley field and the sox i believe have a cell phone that they play in. Just go for the facts Cubs fans will allways be their team not just when they win.


WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT YOU SHITTY SOX FAN


GO CUBBIES


All I say to that, Cubs fan Jason Douglass, is that I'm more heartstruck than I can put into words that my team is not world knowen, and I have to settle for a crappy world championship. Oh, and also, Cubs fans don't like to brag about how good they are like Peter Dinklage doesn't like to brag about how tall he is.

HOW MUCH MY GIRLFRIEND WILL HATE THIS POST: a good bit
this is a job for...

You could take a holiday...

...but why not wait until tomorrow? In the meantime, some weekend highlights:

- I finally got to play my first game of Cities & Knights of Catan since moving to Minnesota! My amazing girlfriend ninafarina, her sister and brother-in-law, and pal hipsterdetritus came over for a round of the best board game of all time, with fairly good results. The big downside was that we didn't get to finish (four people learning the rules for the first time slows down an already long and complex game), but everybody seemed to have a good time, and hopefully we can play again and not have it take five hours to get to endgame. (For the benefit of rum_holiday, who's the only other Catan geek on my friends list: it was an odd game. All the wood hexes were clustered, and no one was in a particularly good position, so there was hardly any expansion or city development -- only one city and a couple of settlements got built -- and all the points came from progress cards and metropoli. And we even came up with a rules question you can send to the Mayfair folks: can progress cards be traded?)

- We're gearing up for Li'l' Duce's 3rd birthday party next weekend, which means going to Costco to buy booze. (Because we're going to get her hooked on tequila by the time she's in grade school, HA HA HA) Also, I'm finally getting the hang of blender drinks in this new Black & Decker mo-sheen, so Shauna's parents got treated to a decent pina colada yesterday; I may actually make a goddamn smoothie one of these days for lunch if I get lazy enough. By no means incidentally, I haven't mentioned it recently since I don't update much anymore, but I love my girlfriend and her kid a very lot.

- Which is why going to the beach Saturday was so much fun! Scoff if you will, you snobby coastal types, but we have Silver Lake Beach (one of the 10,000 lakes for which Minnesota's licence plates are justly famous) only about three blocks from our apartment, and when we went there Sunday morning, it was totally deserted! Having the whole beach to yourself is awesome, even when it's a small lake beach. Li'l' Duce had tons of swimmin' fun, Shauna read Stephen Elliott's book and dug on some sun, and I mostly skipped rocks and tried to unearth submerged frogs, because I am nine years old. I also constructed a small mixed-income housing facility with accompanying seaside resort out of sand, but it encountered protest from local groups and cost overruns, so our sponsor pulled out and the whole thing had to be destroyed by a giant toddler.

Anyway, I know none of you read this journal to hear about my life, to learn about my activities, or to express any interest in my or my loved ones as human beings, so here's some ridiculous right-wing bullshit for your ass, courtesy of fiberpunk:

Debbie Schlussel -- who was once in training to become Ann Coulter's understudy until everyone noticed that she wasn't pretty enough to step into the Arab-bashing hag role and it fell to the more exotic Michelle Malkin to pick up the slack -- has, like many of the people on my friends list, seen the new Superman movie. Unlike many of the people on my friends list, however, she has used it as a springboard for her crazy, sexist anti-PC ravings. Por ejemplo:

* Lois Lane is a "slut"

* Superman is too politically correct, which inspired Debbie to craft this hilarious and incredibly skillful bit of PhotoShop humor

* Evidence of Superman's PC nature is found in the fact that Lex Luthor doesn't team up with al-Q'aeda to promote Islamofascist (no, really, she actually says this)

* Also, Hollywood's dirty commie pro-terror stance can be found in the fact that some advertising for the film doesn't feature the phrase "truth, justice & the American Way", and the fact that other advertising for the film DOES feature the phrase, plus huge American flags, just proves what hypocrites the people in showbiz are

* And to top it all off, Superman's cape is entirely too muted a shade of red, which illustrates the national malaise the media would like to convince us we are undergoing (no, really, she actually says this too)

HOW MUCH MY GIRLFRIEND WILL HATE THIS POST: slightly
not exactly how i planned it

NOT FUNNY ENOUGH FOR A CERTAIN HUMOR PUBLICATION THEATRE presents:

The Official State Vices

Alabama: yelling “ROLL TIDE”!
Alaska: bear-baiting
Arizona: making convicts wear pink underwear
Arkansas: pig-fucking
California: weed
Colorado: fundamentalist Christianity
Connecticut: overuse of SportsCenter catchphrases
Delaware: paint-huffing
Florida: cocaine
Georgia: making racist puns around the name of the public transit system
Hawaii: umbrella drinks
Idaho: forming militias
Illinois: bribery
Indiana: teenage pregnancy
Iowa: downloading porn over WebTV
Kansas: denying evolution
Kentucky: taking potshots at revenuers
Louisiana: telling people that the levees will hold
Maine: writing 1000-page horror novels
Maryland: murder
Massachusetts: giving food products unusual names
Michigan: setting fire to your town once a year for no reason
Minnesota: folksiness
Mississippi: lynching
Missouri: acting like you’re not a southern state even though you totally are
Montana: forming militias, only real ones, not like those fake-ass ones in Idaho
Nebraska: doing donuts
Nevada: hookers
New Hampshire: giving the press bogus answers during caucus season
New Jersey: whacking stool pigeons
New Mexico: exploiting the native population
New York: heroin
North Carolina: cigarettes
North Dakota: Polar Bear clubs
Ohio: voter fraud
Oklahoma: believing in angels
Oregon: homosexuality
Pennsylvania: resentment
Rhode Island: ether frolics
South Carolina: racism
South Dakota: eating paste
Tennessee: bootlegging
Texas: executing people
Utah: polygamy
Vermont: Chunky Monkey
Virginia: promiscuity
Washington: coffee
West Virginia: incest
Wisconsin: strip clubs
Wyoming: masturbation
blowhard

Lileks Watch, Day It's Been Far Too Long

I'm really updating way too much today while I'm waiting for a certain legendary bluesman's manager to call me on the phone, but screw it, tomorrow's a holiday.

James Lileks is in rare, rare form today. Over at the Screedblog, he illustrates that not only can his cranky political beliefs make you forget he used to be famous for being funny, but also that his funny can be completely shut down by his cranky political beliefs. Weighing in on the New York Times non-controversy (if you haven't been following it, here's a precis: the NYT reported a news story, and the right, following the administration's lead, responded that reporting the news is treasonous and disgraceful), Lileks tries to bring the yux by inventing a bunch of theoretical "Times Headlines of the Future! future! future!" Here's the funniest:

September 10, 2006: The New York Times runs a story about a CIA agent named Mohammed Al-Ghouri, 1034 Summit Park, Evanston Illinois, who is attempting to penetrate a radical sleeper cell suspected of having 19 liters of homemade mustard gas. The series concludes with the agent’s obituary, and a moving quote from a CIA historian who notes that the “al-Ghouri was one of rare, brave breed whose names and deeds are rarely known. Except in this case, of course". Criticized for blowing the agent’s cover, a Times spokesman tartly noted that “this man is – sorry, was a government employee, and if he’s using taxpayer money to take terrorists out to lunch, we think the people ought to know, if only so they judge the menu items chosen on behalf of the government. Was veal consumed? Because a lot of people are sensitive to the veal issue.”

The funny thing about this isn't the ham-fisted (or, rather, veal-fisted) humor, but rather the fact that Lileks is dumping on the NYT for theoretically doing something that the President has actually done, and which brought no words of condemnation from Lileks and his fellow conservative bloviators.

Moving on to the Bleat, Lileks drops this little historical stunner, having read a book on the Battle of Marathon:

Apparently Darius, the Persian King of Kings, hit upon the notion of using religion as a rallying point when warring against other states. Previously everyone had a rather relaxed attitude towards other cultures’ gods – hey, you worship snakes? Cool. Personally, we do goats – but Darius, who’s used Zoroastrian ideas to legitmize and consolidate his rule, decided to paint the enemy as the infidel. A crafty move. Appears to have caught on, too.

A lot of people, including the Egyptians, Jews, Aryans, Indians, Chinese, and Greeks, would be quite surprised to learn that no one thought of using religion to consolidate their political power prior to 500 BC, and pretty much every civilization in history would be surprised to learn that Darius I was the first person to come up with religious persection. Indeed, just reading the Old Testament would seem to suggest that God Himself "hit upon the notion of using religion as a rallying point when warring against other states" -- just ask the Canaanites. Or the Midianites. Or any number of other people who could testify to the fact that maybe it wasn't quite everyone who had a "relaxed attitude towards other cultures' gods" before the Big D came along. But no: Jimmy knows -- all these troubles we're having today, they started with Iran.

He closes by discussing his viewing options for the night:

I'm off to write two columns and watch my latest Netfarginflicks TfarginV show everyone else has been fargin' watchign for fargin' years, Dead Fargin' Wood.

Jim. Jim. The word is "cocksucking". As in "cocksucker". As in "no-good, bought-out cocksucker". Or "those that doubt me suck cock by choice". Or "limber-dicked cocksucker". Or "Joanie Stubbs is a cocksucker". Or "anyone else here suck his cock?". I realize that you're enamored of the non-world 'fuck' substitute "fargin'", either in the mistaken belief that it's funny or in the mistaken belief that children read your blog. But if you can't even type the word "cocksucker", you probably shouldn't be watching this show.