July 13th, 2006

god bless the internet

What we learned from Monday's poll

- Criminal readers of this journal will be pleased to know that nearly one in five of you are particularly susceptible to phishing scams and Nigerian e-mail cons. Three of you copped to being on the hunt for horny local nymphos, but no one would admit to needing ED medication. You big fat liars.

- Proving that you are a bunch of stuck-up foreign pantywaist commies, you overwhelmingly selected the World Cup (which was won by the dirty cheating Papists of Rome) as your most anticipated sporting event of the summer. That is, if you don't count the nearly 40 per cent of you poindexters who think you're too smart for sports. If you were here, I would stuff you all in your lockers.

- Some people, meaning the 38% of you who intend on seeing Clerks II, never fucking learn. That man has almost singlehandedly ruined independent film, comic books and stand-up comedy, and you're going to put enough money in his pocket to ruin television. STOP WHILE YOU CAN, YOU FOOLS. Also, an astonishing 65% of you are going to see that gay-ass pirate movie, and yet not one of you will go see a Wayans brother impersonating a midget. Oh, and one lonely fuck (no names, no pack drill) is planning to see Adam Sandler's movie about a magical TV remote. Good luck with that.

- A surprising number (15%) of you would enjoy living in a world run by literal prostitutes, rather that the one we currently have where the whores at the top are merely figurative. However, almost one in four of you would like to be able to move objects through the power of smut. Where's a radioactive hooker when you need one, am I right?

- In the "what I did on the Fourth of July" category:

* JEERS to littlewashu for joking about fellatio. Some things are to be taken seriously, young lady.

* CHEERS to kudaspeaks for telling the darn kids to get off her lawn.

* JEERS to theweaselking, conrad_zaar and fiesty_robot. Canadian boosterism is so predictable. Plus, we don't like being reminded that other countries exist.

* CHEERS to patrickdean for reading an issue of G.I. Combat, if not actually participating in G.I. combat.

* JEERS to uvula_fr_b4 and elston for working on the holiday. You goddamn communists.

* CHEERS to lester22 for writing a story about Jefferson and Adams, which it's safe to say is way dorkier than anything else the rest of us did for Independence Day.

* JEERS to happinesstogo. Motherfucker brung his bitch...to the Waffle Hut!

* CHEERS to janehex, who kicked it old school by redressing her grievances to the King of England. I think he's gonna take a while getting back to you, though, kid.
couples only

Another damn cute kid story

Li'l' Duce has recently taken to opening her green beans and looking inside them*. The other day she found one with no actual beans inside it, and gurned the most shocked-looking expression imaginable, saying:

"THERE'S NOBODY IN THERE!"

Which led, apparently, last night, to yelling at her green beans to "GET OUT OF THERE, GUYS".

*: Example #2897 of behavior that is adorable in a child but that would get you institutionalized as an adult.
blowhard

Polly Ticks

Hey, how about those Israeli airstrikes? GOOD PLAN! Only four dozen civilians dead so far, that's acceptable. I can't believe they didn't think to bomb Lebanon before! Or, at least, recently, before, again, since the mid-'80s! This will surely make Israel safe and secure forever and ever.

James Lileks today says that he got peevish at a Krispy Kreme employee for offering him a free refill, because their stock price is too low and they can't afford to do that sort of thing. He was, please God above, joking.

Did you know that Town Hall now features a cartoon section? No, really! It's called 'The Funnies', even though, as any number of examples show, they are not, in fact, funny. Not only not funny, but not funny in a nearly identical fashion to one another. HAW DE HAW!