August 29th, 2006

mmmmm delicious

Are you going to MN State Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme on a stick!

This weekend, we went to "The Great Minnesota Get-Together". I am an absolute and utter sucker for the State Fair, because I like horribly unhealthy food, surly teenagers, and big industrial farm equipment. My plan was to accompany my amazing girlfriend ninafarina and her adorable daughter Li'l' Duce while covertly sneaking off to gorge myself on every fucked-up food on a stick humanly imaginable, but I was actually thwarted in this endeavor by the presence of god-awful numbers of fat people. I mean, seriously: I am the last one in the world who can throw stones in this regard, as I weigh close to an unthrowable 17 stone myself, but there's nothing like seeing a couple from Bemidji weighing in at a combined 847 pounds to make you question whether you really want that foot-long corn dog.

Still, it's not like I DIDN'T eat anything: I had a wild rice cheeseburger (great) and some alligator on a stick. How many of you can say you've had an alligator on a stick? Less than 16.428% with a margin of error of less than 2%, I'd wager. Annie rode various amusement machinery and petted a piglet, and Shauna and I wished that the "governor on a stick" placards handed out by the Pawlenty campaign referred to something literal. We also saw a plethora of animals and their bored teenage minders, and attended an English horse show. The first part of it was a riding competition, won by an adolescent girl who was a ringer for Wallace on The Wire. It's nice to see today's urban youth getting off the crack and into championship show jumping. The second part of it was a 'royal joust', the royal pedigree of which was about as authentic as that of King Vitaman. It intentionally patterned itself after a pro wrestling match, right down to heel turns and pony-tailed jackoffs pulling a comeback jawn. We left before the Arabian horsemen could come in and decapitate everybody.

I saw right-wing blowhard Hugh Hewitt there, and I got a slight frisson thinking that Sunday would finally be the day I got to punch James Lileks in the face, but alas, it was not to be.

Yesterday, I worked a temp job (freelancing work is still go, but I'm going back to the real world before and after the move to Cali, because shit is $, yo, and people be all up in my face with the not-check-sending), for the eerily totalitarian Target Corporation. The work was extremely pedestrian -- copy-editing benefit package statements and converting PDF files into Word), but the interesting thing was that the person I was working for was Beyonce Knowles. Or near as dammit, anyway. I think that formating pay-out timelines for Miss Minnesota is probably the highlight of my professional career, which is so exciting I think I'm going to kill myself.

But before I do, allow me to tell you the sign we saw on the stall of a huge, pregnant cow in the Livestock Pavilion/Miracle of Birth Center at the fair. It posed wisdom for the ages which we would all do well to remember: "THIS COW HAS DIARRHEA. IF HER BACK END IS FACING YOU -- BACK UP!"
bizarro am drunk motherfucker

We few, we happy few, we band of Brother Voodoos

Speaking of Li'l' Duce, yesterday, she walked up to us with a book.

"What's this?" said she.

"It's Shakespeare's Henry V", I replied.

"Where is Spider-Man in this?", she asked.

Which, I have to say -- I mean, it's a good play and all, one of the best of the histories, but I can't honestly admit that it wouldn't have been better if Spider-Man were in it. Which brings us to today's assignment:

How would comic book characters have improved other Shakespeare plays?
blowhard

Banana Republican

Also, speaking of James Lileks, the bastard is on vacation this week, but that doesn't mean I can't still be outraged by him! Somehow, last week, I missed one of his high-larious "Screedblogs", this on the subject of Castro, the Demon in Human Shape who even today menaces Boca Raton. Lileks goes for one of his little flights of fancy and imagines Uncle Fidel being visited by 'The Angel of History'.

Eventually it will come down to this, my friend: history will note that the people in the American jails at the tip of this island ate better than the average Cuban.

Which, of course, has nothing to do with nearly 50 years of sanctions, blockades and embargos by the world power just up the street, but is entirely due to Fidel's Stalinist treachery and greed. When you think about it, those illegally held torture victims at Guantanamo are really kinda lucky!

Odd, really: in this democratic, egalitarian nation, the only man you saw fit to follow happened to be your brother. What are the chances of that, eh? Most people in America don’t know a thing about him. ‘Another Castro?’ the Americans think. ‘They had a spare?’

Hmmm. That seems so oddly familiar to me. As if something similar had happened here, recently, maybe eight years ago. Something that made leftist observers comment on the banana-republicity of it all, to the silence or scorn of conservatives. But I simply cannot remember what it was!

Eh, probably wasn't important.