September 22nd, 2006

aging gracelessly

You, by which I mean I, suck, by which I mean suck

Hey, I have the internet again! Good for me. Now I can waste the remaining time I have moping around in front of the universe and applying for jobs I either don't want or can't get. And best of all, I can annoy you, my dear friends and beloved fans, with stupid bullshit, just like the old days. Why not start things out with a poll, since no one likes them? They're a universal!

Poll #827712 Sold my soul for a poll

What is the most awesome thing about living with your mom at age 37?

When someone else says they feel like a failure, you can just laugh a small, shrivelled, bitter little laugh
2(4.8%)
Discovering that, yeah, you can pretty much sleep anywhere, if you have to
4(9.5%)
The feeling of having gone through a horrible, devastating divorce without the benefit of ever actually having been married
2(4.8%)
That delightful sensation of freefall, right before you hit the interstate at terminal velocity
3(7.1%)
Cheap rent!
12(28.6%)
You get to say "it's always darkest before the dawn" about six million times a day until the words lose all meaning
0(0.0%)
Is there anything NOT awesome about living with your mom at age 37?
3(7.1%)
Writing LiveJournal entries that are really depressing and pathetic and then thinking about how other people paid for them
3(7.1%)
It's not living with your dad at age 37
5(11.9%)
Built-in excuse for never getting laid again as long as you live
8(19.0%)

What do you like best about me?

That you're so, so sexy, Mr. I Sleep On a Floor
3(7.3%)
That you're slightly smarter than an extremely stupid person
2(4.9%)
That you don't have any money
0(0.0%)
That you never will have any money
0(0.0%)
That you lie about money because you're ashamed
1(2.4%)
That you bother to have any shame at all
2(4.9%)
Your impeccably short-bus fashion sense
4(9.8%)
That your only skills are completely useless and unmarketable
4(9.8%)
Your delightful combination of self-righteousness and severe personality disorders
14(34.1%)
You're the Dom DiMaggio of self-hatred
11(26.8%)

What kind of therapy should I get?

Freudian
1(2.4%)
Jungian
0(0.0%)
Adlerian
1(2.4%)
some New Agey horseshit
3(7.3%)
go straight for the drugs
11(26.8%)
what you need is Jesus
2(4.9%)
shock
0(0.0%)
Gestalt
0(0.0%)
est
1(2.4%)
Eckancar
2(4.9%)
voodoo
4(9.8%)
Footupyourassian
2(4.9%)
you should see an analrapist
3(7.3%)
what kind was Dr. Psycho?
2(4.9%)
just read more comic books, that seems to have served you well so far
9(22.0%)

How charming is my ability to translate my depression, self-loathing and failure into a cutesy internet poll?

Ten thousand times less charming than you think it is
3(7.3%)
It's "adorable"
14(34.1%)
I hate you
1(2.4%)
Seriously, cut this shit out, for reals
6(14.6%)
Did you hear that lonelygirl15 is totally a fake? OMG.
17(41.5%)

What should I do now, in the context of LiveJournal?

Um...go back to being funny? Just a suggestion. Fuckface.
2(4.8%)
Shut it down, because it's your last outlet for human interation, and frankly, you don't deserve one.
0(0.0%)
Borrow content from people more interesting than you and pretend you wrote it.
0(0.0%)
What's Lileks up to these days? I bet his wife didn't kick HIM out. Although it would be funny if she did.
2(4.8%)
Post about the interesting things to do in San Antonio; that should eat up about one-sixth of a page.
3(7.1%)
Go back to updating the Ludic Log every day. I never read it, and now that it's not running anymore, I don't feel like I'm missing out on enough.
2(4.8%)
Well, there's always "52" and "Lost".
4(9.5%)
I hear the internet can be used to become a sexual predator. They had a thing about it on the news. THAT SOUNDS AWESOME, do that! Like, WHOA! PREDATOR! With claws and red racing stripes or something?
0(0.0%)
I sit here with no one telling me about the minor political malfeasance of people far more successful than you.
1(2.4%)
Oh, God, PLEASE more of this self-pitying, maudlin horseshit. It's such a joy to read.
3(7.1%)