September 25th, 2006

i got all the money

And here I am, back to being a hundredaire

Say, Americans! Do you live in West Virginia? How about Alaska? Possibly you reside in Vermont, Maine or Delaware, or you call Mississippi, Iowa, New Mexico, Kentucky or North Dakota home. If so, hang your head in shame! Because you are one of the very few states without a billionaire.

If you can somehow forestall an act of self-murder out of pure humiliation, please consider moving at once to one of the 40 other U.S. states that are all billionaired up. Why? Because billionaires are the finest kind of people. It is for them that we write the laws, build the system, wave the flag. Without them, we could accomplish nothing; why, we would not even have a country! And if you spend your time criticizing them, you are un-American. It is self-evident that they are the cream of the human crop; were it not so, they would not be billionaires. They smell like flowers, babies and fresh fruit; their voices are like the tinkling of crystal and the songs of angels; to look upon them is to see the face of God, and they do not shit or piss or use bad words. Their every thought should be recorded and their every opinion should be followed as truth. It is to them alone that our public servants should be beholden, and from where their feet fall upon the earth light springs to banish night. It is our only slightest hope and dream that someday they turn their faces to us and smile.

Remember this: if you have a billion dollars, that means even if you make no income ever again, you can spend $25,000 every single day, and it will take you over a hundred years to run out of money. And then remember this: a corporation's only responsibility should be to increase its shareholders' profits; there must be no restriction of commerce or invasion of capital; and taxation is slavery.


Everybody likes to talk about torture. All of the sudden, torture is the bad guy. Like there's no such thing as GOOD torture! Come on, you liberal hippie freaks*! What happened to 'there is no such thing as a man with no good in him"? But once you talk about our old pal torture, it's like he never accomplished anything! What about the Spanish Inquisition? Torture did a good job then, saving who knows how many thousands of souls. Without torture, all those forcible conversions would now be damned to Hell instead of eating Pizza Rolls in Heaven with John Wayne and Jesus! the Bush Administration is pro-torture, and you know how big they are on moral clarity. Even when they're against it, they're for it, kinda. And torture works as an anti-terror tactic, no matter what a couple of mean-spirited dissidents say; we have no less an authority than popular TV show 24 saying it's so!

How else can we tell that torture is a good thing? Well, the United Nations says that torture is worse now in Iraq than it was under Saddam Hussein, and the administration keeps telling us that there's lots of good news in Iraq, so maybe this is it. Maybe this is one of those things-getting-better we never hear about in the biased liberal American media! Thanks, BBC, for hipping us to one of the frequent victories in the new, democratic, peaceful Iraq. Torture also creates jobs, and that's good for the economy, so that should put an end to the discussion right there, but some people just love to complain.

Not complaining are leading lights like Rep. Lynn "I Voted for Torture" Westmoreland (R-GA), Thomas "Moral Courage" Sowell, John "Nobody Hated America in the '70s" Yoo, and the always-reliable Wall Street Journal's editorial board. If those people are in favor of torture, why aren't you? The WSJ is America's paper of record, people! And speaking of America, this country is widely hailed as the advance-guard of freedom and democracy, so if we are the first nation ever to officially authorize violations of the Geneva Conventions, maybe the problem isn't us, but the stupid Conventions.

As if any more proof were needed that torture is A-OK, no less august a body than the Traditional Values Coalition has come out in favor of it, and in opposition to those who would restrict it. TRADITIONAL VALUES, folks! That's what they're all about! If torture wasn't a traditional value, they would naturally oppose it! What more do you need to know? GO GO GADGET TORTURE
not exactly how i planned it


Speaking of the Geneva Conventions, though, they really do need to be reassessed. Whether or not torture works as an interrogation tactic, our forces do need to be able to threaten captured terrorists with something in order to prevent further loss of life, and honestly, those WWI-era codes are simply too restrictive for our modern era. Just look at the list of what is forbidden:

- physical abuse

- mental cruelty

- threats of death

- the use of any type of coercion to extract information

- deprivation, isolation or inhumane treatment

- playing a continual mixtape of nothing but Billy Joel and Eagles songs

- asking a prisoner "guess what?" a bunch of times and then finally saying "that's what!"

- waving open bags of tasty pork rinds in front of Muslim detainees' noses

- refusing to allow POWs access to half-meat/half-veggie pizzas

- wedgies, purple nurples, pink-bellies, knucklebusters and swirlies

- spankings (non-birthday)

- telling detainees that you guess someone else will get to go to summer camp in their place

- homework on Fridays

- putting prisoners on hold for more than three minutes

- making female diminutives of POWs' names ("Mohammedina", "Jamalette", etc.)