NIGHTHAWKS AT THE DINER: The Recipes of Tom Waits
Earth Tried Steaming
16 Pasta Shells with a Thirty-Ought-Six Sauce
Flash Pan Chasseur
A Good Flan is Hard to Find
Sweet Little Filling from a Pretty Little Bun
Cold Cold Ground Beef
Filipino Spring Roll with Hog
I'LL COOK WHEN I'M DEAD: In the Kitchen with Warren Zevon
Enchiladas Under the Eaves
Jesus Was a Croissant Maker
Tenderized on the Block
Roland the Seedless Thompson Grape
Stew It All Night Long
Things to Do with Denver Omlettes When You're Dead
SAUCE: Daisy Age Deliciousness with De La Soul
A Little Bit of Sopa
Plug Tuna (Last Chance to Consomme)
Prawn Star [feat. Half-Shell Council]
The Art of Roasting Rump
Long Island Wild Ricin'
A Nice Blackberry Jam Made Saturday
Rock Candy Cane Flow
Hey, guess what? I put tags on all my entries! EVERY GODDAMN ONE OF THEM! Now you too can easily find all 120 of my bullshit polls, or read the many many entries about me getting drunk, or take a fork and stab yourself in your black shrinking heart with it as you read all the entries about my ex-girlfriend, or see how incredibly obsessed I am with comic books, or whatever! WHAT A TOTAL WASTE OF DOZENS OF HOURS! I hate you, LiveJournal.
So, you know how right-wingers who are pro-torture always use this rhetorical trick where they minimize the severity of torture so that it seems like an inconvenience at worst and frat-boy whimsy at best? You know the drill. "You know, I hear a lot of thin-skinned liberals whining about terror. Well, these are evil people who want to kill us, and if a few of them lose a night's sleep or poop their pants, that's a sacrifice we should be willing to make in order to save American lives and defeat this terrible enemy." That bullshit.
I'm willing to ignore the fact that every civilized society has opposed torture for hundreds of years. I'm willing to ignore the fact that engaging in torture puts us in the moral position of the people we're claiming to oppose, thus reducing the entire conflict from a real struggle between two opposing philosophies to just names for sides. I'm even willing to ignore the fact that, in almost every case, torture doesn't work, serving only to degrade both the victim and the perpetrator. All this I will do, if they accept a small proposition. The keyboard blatherers of the right are really fond of these shadeless, all-or-nothing wagers, so I've got one for them.
Each pundit who has advocated the use of torture techniques like those proven -- not reported -- to have taken place at Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo reports at 0900 tomorrow to a special federal penitentiary. Their location is not disclosed to anyone in their family, and they are to remain there for two weeks.
Each day, they will be subjected either to lights, standing, or sleep deprivation. Each will be kept in solitary confinement. And each night, they will have one of these things done to them:
- Forcible sodomy with a light stick.
- Mock execution.
- Being rolled in a blanket and beaten.
- Burning with phosphoric acid.
- Being bitten by dogs.
- Being cloaked, stripped, and hooked up to a battery with wires.
- Being hit with a wooden chair.
- Forced at gunpoint to disrobe and join a human pyramid of their fellow naked inmates.
- Being urinated upon.
- Having open wounds kicked, struck, and hit with batons.
- Being smeared with human and animal feces.
- Having all of these activities photographs and shown to strangers.
They will then have the option of leaving quietly, never seeking any recourse for what has happened to them, and signing a statement swearing they were not victims of torture or illegal abuse. Each one who does so gets a free pass for one prisoner to be tortured in his name; and if they go through the whole process again, they get another one, free!
Pretty good deal, I'd say.