November 13th, 2006

blowhard

It's a boring late afternoon in America

Over at Town Hall, they're so demoralized by the G.O.P.'s election losses that they can't be bothered to copy-edit anymore, as evidenced by the headline of Michael Medved's latest blog post:

"GIVING ANERICA A RAISE"? WITH WHO'S MONEY?

Elsewhere, Doug Giles visits Texas, from where, to my lack of surprise, he originally hails. He makes an exciting list of why Texas is so great, which, coincidentally, is similar to my reasons why it is not so great:

1. Texans are proud of the U.S.A., and aren't constantly cheering that "the US sucks" like liberals do.

2. Texans work hard and aren't into government handouts, unlike Floridians. Shockingly, this is not true, as Doug could have discovered in five minutes of Googling; Florida has a lower unemployment rate (3.8% to Texas' 5.3%) and receives less government aid ($18b to Texas' $25b). But if he'd found that out, he wouldn't have gotten to complain about all the people loitering and "trying to suck off the entitlement tit".

3. Texans go to church. I'm pretty sure that people go to church in big numbers in Florida too, but my guess is that for Doug, Catholics don't count.

4. Texans love guns. There's a lot of Floridians who do too, Doug; they're called cocaine dealers.

5. Texans are nice and don't curse. Unless they're the President.

6. Texans have "an utter disdain for all Islamic miscreants who wish us ill" and don't "sterilize their contempt and their wishes for death to all those who would try to derail the American dream for them, their children and their children’s children". You know, really, this is what I love about Texas too, how they don't try and hide how much they want other people to die. And they're so nice!
banana

Monday the 13th: The Movie: The Novelization: The Ride: The Poll

Question #1 is inspired by a few conversations I had with people on the music forums and elsewhere over the weekend, and a claim made a while back by my bro-ham hipsterdetritus.

Poll #866616 It's Howdy Monday Poll!

What is the funkiest thing ever recorded by white people?

I agree with Nate, it's "You Make Loving Fun" by Fleetwood Mac.
1(2.3%)
I agree with you, it's "Main Theme from Enter the Dragon" by Lalo Schifrin.
14(32.6%)
I agree with neither of you, it's some other thing I will list in Comments.
16(37.2%)
I am really, really lame, so I think it's something by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
3(7.0%)
This question is inappropriate.
9(20.9%)

You know that thing where people shoot a semi-automatic handgun sideways? What do you think of that?

I don't know what you're talking about.
1(1.9%)
I know what it is, and I like it.
9(17.3%)
I know what it is, and I hate it.
16(30.8%)
I know what it is, but I don't know why they do it.
16(30.8%)
I have no opinion on this hugely inconsequential issue.
10(19.2%)

If you were involved in organized crime, what activities do you think you would most enjoy?

hijacking cargo trucks
0(0.0%)
supplying the chop shops
0(0.0%)
bid-rigging public contracts
2(3.8%)
labor racketeering
0(0.0%)
smuggling
0(0.0%)
contract killing
0(0.0%)
extortion
0(0.0%)
loansharking
0(0.0%)
bookmaking
0(0.0%)
gambling
0(0.0%)
prostitution
0(0.0%)
money-laundering
1(1.9%)
bribing politicians
0(0.0%)
getting good tables at ethnic restaurants
1(1.9%)
other (see Comments)
0(0.0%)

What has been George W. Bush's biggest failed policy project?

the Iraq War
31(60.8%)
Social Security "reform"
4(7.8%)
the manned Mars mission
5(9.8%)
building a big wall on the Mexican border
2(3.9%)
the Afghanistan War
2(3.9%)
immigration "reform"
1(2.0%)
getting rid of human-animal hybrids
6(11.8%)

If you are an America, please provide me with your favorite stereotype of Canadians. If you are Canadian, ditto ditto Americans. If you are neither, just cough up some random prejudice about the foreigner of your choice.

it says here...

Hey, speaking of how well things are going in Iraq...

...as you may know if you pay too much attention to national affairs and not enough to the ruins of your own life, the President has convened a special panel of experts, culled from some of the most durable nogoodniks from the Nixon, Reagan and Bush 1 cabinets, to make some recommendations about how to turn things around over there. I've received an advance copy of their preliminary findings, and let me tell you, it's dynamite.

1. Replace soldiers with lower-cost Mexican immigrant labor and outsourced Indian workers; pass savings on to taxpayers.

2. Intensive training for USMC to explain that when commanding officers say they need to capture Iraqi hearts and minds, this is not meant literally.

3. Alleviate problem of underskilled Iraqi security forces by sending them to a Donald Trump motivational seminar.

4. Defuse Sunni/Shi'ite tensions by suggesting that they all convert to Christianity.

5. Send the Minutemen over to keep terrorists from crossing at Iran and Syria, because they've done such a bang-up job keeping Mexican immigrants out.

6. Dig up William Westmoreland, give him Rumsfeld's spot.

7. Locate all official documents dealing with the dismantling of the Iraqi military and police and the barring from employment and service of all former Ba'athist officials, and label them with a "WHOOPS! WE GOOFED" stamp featuring a humorous caricature of Paul Bremer.

8. Insert 'WELL ON ITS WAY TO BEING' between 'MISSION' and 'ACCOMPLISHED' on all banners.

9. Institute a reward/punishment scheme for U.S. troops: free PlayStation 3 for all soldiers who do not take photographs of themselves abusing prisoners, and demotion and pay cut for anyone lazy and inattentive enough to get injured by an IED.

10. "Stay the course" to be replaced by "keep on truckin'" to evoke the carefree, happy-go-lucky feel of the early 1970s.
is this thing on?

Voice Post:

VoicePost
263K 1:20
“Hi. It has been brought to my attention that, first of all, I'm not using my voice posts. And second, at least one of you wants to know what I sound like. This is what I sound like. I'd like to read you something from the worst local news in the world: San Antonio's KENS-5 eyewitness news. This is a piece by Itsa Gutierrez. That's right, Itsa Gutierrez. Just a Gutierrez, not THE Gutierrez. It starts with the two stupidest sentences in the history of journalism. And since this only gives me five minutes [of which you've used less than 27% --ed.], I'm not going to tell you why. You'll just have to figure it out yourself. Here's what Itsa Gutierrez has to say. "Adult pornography has been around for many years, but recently, child porn has soared to the top of the list for online pedophiles. According to authorities, child pornography has sunk to an all-time low." Now there are at least five stupid things about those two sentences. And if you've got the time, and God knows I do, you can spend the rest of the day figuring them out, and thinking about how a highly-paid journalist wrote them.”

Transcribed by: threepunchstuff