November 22nd, 2006

mmmmm delicious

Thanks; thanks a lot

As many of you know, for the past, oh, ten years or so, my good friend thaitea and I were in the habit of throwing what I called “The Expatriate’s Thanksgiving”. Each year, we would throw a day-long party of drinking and dining for all our friends who either couldn’t spend the holiday with our families or didn’t want to. It was a day I really looked forward to, probably the high point of my year holiday-wise – I got to cook a huge meal, hang out with friends, and do all the cheeseball holiday stuff that I secretly love in my black and evil heart.

This year, of course, due to major flaws in that black evil heart, I am neither doing the Expatriate Thanksgiving nor spending the day with the woman I love. Instead, I simply look forward to four days off to write and listen to music and read and watch TV, and occasionally drink half a bottle of Scotch and end up crying under a table. Next year, I hope to spend this weekend back in my beloved Chicago, cooking up a storm for people I care about, so if the last few months have been pretty relentlessly miserable, I still at least have something to look forward to.

Anyway, that maudlin discursion aside, one of the neat features of the Expatriate’s Thanksgiving is that I made a different kind of meal every year, usually an ethnic/national/regional cuisine that I had never made before. I planned out a nine-course meal and generally made entirely new dishes. It involved usually about two days of cooking (and drinking), and was a blast. I hope to get back to it next year, but this year, here’s a menu I always wanted to make and never got around to:

- APPETIZER: Rastafarian Pizza Balls with Peter Tosh Butterscotch-Cannabis Sprinkles
- APPETIZER: Heydrich von Meisschner’s Alasko-Teutonic Seal & Cheddar Crackers
- SOUP: Hobo Jeff’s Boot Soup
- SALAD: Fried Beer Salad
- VEGETABLE: Asparagus-Brussels Sprout Citrus Twist ‘n’ Ham Smoothie
- SIDE DISH: Utica-Style Hot Breasts
- SIDE DISH: Pig’s Trotters with Grandmother’s Southwest Nacho Dipping Fur
- MAIN COURSE: Stuffed Wildcat a la Mode
- DESSERT: Frozen Bloody Mary with Choco-Blast Krool Whip

Happy Kennedy Assassination Day!

DID YOU KNOW that Kennedy was shot by a team of highly trained assassins in the employ of a power-mad cabal consisting of Cubans, the Mafia, organized labor, the CIA, the Freemasons, Lyndon Johnson, and homosexuals? They all shot at once!

DID YOU KNOW that people who know about the conspiracy to kill Kennedy have been killed or died under mysterious circumstances? Even though it took years or even decades for some of them to die, and they didn’t spend their living years talking about the conspiracy. Probably because they were so scared!

DID YOU KNOW that even though Kennedy was shot from behind and to the left, his head goes back and to the left instead of forward and to the right? Even though “physics” tells us that this is exactly what one would expect, what does science know? Science is what tells us we came from monkeys! How do we know that physics wasn’t in on the conspiracy?

DID YOU KNOW that Lee Harvey Oswald was totally a patsy? Sure, he was completely deranged, with a history of bizarre political activities, a prior record of becoming obsessed with public figures, and a previous assassination attempt to his record, but that’s what made him such a perfect patsy! He was exactly the kind of nut who would kill the president, which is proof that he didn’t!

DID YOU KNOW that people sure do believe a bunch of horseshit? It’s true!

And how are you going to celebrate your KAD?

Can I get some Moon Mashed Potatoes with that?

KFC, not content with constantly bombarding actual humans with advertisements for their crappy food, will now pester nonexistent space aliens to come down and grab a bucketload of chicken.

Sometimes, you know, people say to me, "okay, Mr. chickenshit quasi-socialist, how are we going to pay for all your grand schemes? Who's going to foot the bill for giving everyone a living wage? Who's gonna pay to just give shit to poor people?" And usually, I say something like "rich people", and the conversation ends. But here's the thing: we spend billions of dollars (and billions are still a lot of dollars) on things like:

- whispering voices in bookstores that ask if you ever think about murdering someone
- at least twelve different Starz! networks
- light-up shoes
- taking baseballs out for a lobster dinner at a fancy hotel
- golf
- making sure no one touches Jennifer Lopez' food
- imaginary real estate
- buying things, then renting them to someone else, who rents them to someone else, who leases them to someone
- a LiveJournal for the guy in the Nissan commercials who lived in his car for a week
- a gigantic head of Colonel Sanders you can see from space

And maybe, just maybe, we could use some of THAT money and just give shit to poor people. Maybe. Because, I know, I'm a raving anarchist lunatic at heart, but really, I've become pretty petit-bourgois in my old age. I enjoy my DVDs, my books, my PlayStation, my computer and even my car with only a low-level haze of guilt. But somehow, I think if I ever found myself walking down the street, and a homeless guy wrapped up in a newspaper featuring article about how the whole continent of Africa is dying of AIDS and we don't have any energy or an ozone layer anymore asked me for some money to buy food with, and I found myself saying to him "Sorry, pal, I can't help you, I've just gotten off a grueling shift at my $80,000-a-year job making giant effigies of Colonel Sanders you can only see from space, and I'm in a big hurry because my kid and I want to see the baseball eat its lobster", I might have a little trouble sleeping that night.