December 12th, 2006

that's that

Don't blame me

I do not do that thing where you post the first line of your journal from each month of the year. It doesn’t really tell me much. I also do not do that thing where you pick out your best entries from each month, because I am a bad judge of my best writing, if such a thing even exists. However, I do this: the annual recap of my most-commented-upon posts of each year. It’s not so much a recap of my greatest hits as it is a startling look into your terrifying collective id. Let’s watch!

JANUARY: I posted a poll which generated controversy over multiple subjects: the worst president ever, the use of illegal narcotics, and the wisdom of playing the lottery. (Runner-Up: I got some hate mail, and people love hate mail!)

FEBRUARY: The actual most popular post from this month was (a) friends-only and (b) makes me cry now. So instead, we’ll go with this one, where people talk about tee vee shows. (Runner-Up: Town Hall readers sound off about that horrible crazy rap music.)

MARCH: I asked you to confirm or deny various broad stereotypes about popular music, and BOY DID YOU! (Runner-Up: The last poll I posted before leaving Chicago.)

APRIL: Everybody loves a good purity ball. (Runner-Up: I solicited advice on a raw food diet I was going to go on for a freelance assignment. Unfortunately, the piece got killed. Even more unfortunately, I didn’t.)

MAY: Political outrage + American Idol = many comments. (Runner-Up: The geniuses at National Review pick the top 50 conservative rock songs of all time, and we laugh at them.)

JUNE: John Derbyshire has some, uh, interesting things to say about rape. (Runner-Up: A poll gets people up in arms about ice cream, sausage and apostles.)

JULY: Conservative 'funnies' are not very. Funny. (Runner-Up: Boy, you people sure do like polls! This one inspired much comment, but little of it to do with the fact that a majority of you would like to be able to move pornography with your minds.)

AUGUST: The infamous '99 Problems' post that won me acclaim far and wide and made my ex-girlfriend really mad. (Runner-Up: It was my birthday.)

SEPTEMBER: You know what? Let’s just forget about this month.

OCTOBER: People get really, really agitated about National Novel Writing Month. (Runner-Up: One of those things where we turn song titles into recipes. I FUCKING LOVE THESE THINGS.)

NOVEMBER: This was the month where I posted a poll about women’s underwear that got like ten thousand responses, but it was friends-only. So we’re gonna go with this poll about guns and funk. (Runner-Up: We discuss songs that have been ruined by overuse in advertisements.)

DECEMBER: Pictures of me, therapy. The two are connected, because after seeing pictures of me, you NEED therapy HAW HAW HAW! (Runner-Up: I got the best pals in the world. Aaaaaaaw.)
ho ho ho

The Truth, straight from the horse's cock

Continuing this journal’s ongoing attempts to make your Christmas wishes come true, I present, for krisann, the secrets of the universe.

1. There is life in the universe that is far more superior and advanced than humanity. They possess the secrets of eternal life, inner peace and infinite wisdom. Unfortunately, they are cows, and they have decided not to tell us anything because we have been systematically slaughtering them for thousands of years.

2. Traveling through time is easy. All you have to do is eat eight sticks of butter at a sitting.

3. Less than .01% of the population of the planet actually knows anything. The rest of them are divided between people who obviously know nothing and people who seem to know things, but are just bluffing.

4. God does not exist. There is no supreme being called God who created the cosmos and judges our behavior and actions so as to reward us with eternal happiness or punish us with unending torment. There is a being exactly like this called Ignacio, but no one ever prays to Ignacio or worships him, so he just sits around all day playing Canfield.

5. The universe’s theme song is “Sex on Wheels” by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. No one knows why, or how, but it is an indisputable fact that an even rudimentary understanding of the nature of reality cannot be undertaken without this basic knowledge.

6. True love is not possible between a man and a woman. It is also not possible between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, a woman and a donkey, or a man and a $475 throwback jersey. True love is only possible between two genderless robots who have been calibrated to .0025% of tolerance to one another. Sex, on the other hand, is easily purchased over the internet.

7. All major religions, philosophies and comedic science fiction novels are wrong about the meaning of life. Additionally, those who say there is no meaning to life are wrong. I don’t even wanna talk about those fuckfaces who say “it’s up to us to give life a meaning”, screw those jerks. The meaning of life is, and this may surprise you, to watch a lot of network television and eat at McDonalds. So, stay the course, America!