December 13th, 2006

banana

Jesus saves...

…but how are his interest rates?

…at a maximum 128x speed through an open FireWire port.

...while the Devil* throws great parties.

…half an hour from my commute.

…another one! That’s 16 on the year from this fireballing left-handed rookie, and his ERA drops to a league-best 1.28.

*: I don't think it's fair that God gets to be God, Jesus AND the Holy Ghost, while the Devil just gets to be the Devil. Satan should have some secret identities too.
ho ho ho

May your merry bells keep ringing

The quest to make your Christmas wishes come true continues. Today, for slammerkinbabe, I parse Doug Giles.

In his latest column, Doug reveals that the battle for the soul of humanity will be won by whoever makes the best use of fag and dick jokes. (Unfortunately, this is kind of a dull column, but I only said your Christmas wishes would be granted, not granted to your satisfaction.)

We won’t even draw cartoons regarding this enemy, lest we offend our killers. Wow!

Because, you see, all Muslims are our enemies. Reluctance to offend them all is the same as unwillingness to offend a few.

Murderous Muslims all over the world must be making girlie man, wussy, limp wrist jokes about the West

You know what? I bet this isn’t happening. I don’t think the average al-Q’aeda terrorist is as immature as Doug Giles is.

The failure to define what is “evil” is causing us to capitulate to the apex (or nadir, I guess) of political correctness in a “No %$@&” time of crisis.

Was he trying to say “shit” here? What stopped him, political correctness?

Go ahead; ask someone at the next Winter Solstice office party to define “evil.”

Boy, that’ll be some fine party conversation there. “Say, Jennifer, how are things? Having a good time? What’s up over in Marketing? You look mighty fine in that dress. Say, would you mind defining evil for me?”

You’ll get the typical “it’s all relative” slop, or “there is no objective standard of right or wrong”, or “all absolute truth claims are nothing more than powerplays, man.”

Note that these dudes love to mock the ideas that evil is relative and there are no absolutes, but they never actually refute it or say why it’s wrong.

Y’know, the same emblematic drivel your pot smoking, liberal prof taught you at the University of You-Just-Wasted-A-Ton-Of-Your-Parent’s- Cash-And-Got-Brain-Washed-In-The-Process.

(a) Emblematic of what? I’m not sure if Doug is using this word correctly.

(b) Ha ha, hippies! Go ahead and waste your money at your fancy pot schools! When has a Harvard degree ever paid off?

(c) Nice copy-editing there.

We couldn’t care less. We don’t want to be bothered with what’s going on with the war on Iraq or with other mean people.

Yep. America sure doesn’t care about Iraq.

We want to believe the spin coming from CAIR [The Council on American-Islamic Relations] because the truth about Muslim mayhem is too brutal.

Ain’t it the truth? America is just lining up to swallow CAIR’s evil lies.

As far as I’m concerned, CAIR is to prevarication what Carrot Top is to red hair coloring, tie dyed T-Shirts, over exercising and unfunniness.

I…what?

We think we can talk our way out of this mess. We believe we can Eddie Haskell militant Islam and bebop and scat our way out of their ill will.

Seriously, Doug, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Your words are so crazy to me.

Yes, the PoMo wannabe placaters of the implacable would like to sit down with Islamofascists

I hear the Placaters of the Implacable are teaming up with the Challengers of the Unknown to defeat the Islamofascists once and for all. Also, are we taking about pomo-wannabes or wannabe-placaters who are postmodernists? A hyphen sometimes helps so much, Doug.

and tell them that “You’re not evil; you simply have a hole in your soul that we would like to help you fill. We should not be fighting. Can’t we all get a long? We should talk more often . . . maybe get together play some checkers . . . and we’d love to have you over for dessert to eat a piece of strawberry pie.”

Now THAT’S sarcasm!

I believe we can be united and that we will eventually wake up and deal with radical Islam; however, I also believe (and fear) that the cohesion, readiness and resolve we need now to truly hammer these death dealers will only come about after we get hammered once again. I’m talking 911-style or worse.

Not worse! That would be even worse and more scarier!

And I’m thinking this will probably occur in the next one to three years.

Way to hedge your bets, there, Doug.

And I hope I’m wrong.

MAN ME TOO
blowhard

Am...am I this boring and predictable?

It's not even any fun to bust on Lileks lately. It's like his Bleats are being cranked out by a bot:

- cute story about the Gnat, CHECK.

- incessant complaining about poor service at bottom-end fast food restaurants that he nonetheless continues to patronize even though he could eat wherever he wants, CHECK.

- impotent bitching about insouciant, disrespectful teenagers who he is smarter than, CHECK.

- putatively offhand comment about some pop-culture indulgence that makes him feel manly, ineffectually defused by lame self-deprecation, CHECK

- dire warning that the Islamonazis are gearing up to destroy us all but we can't see it because we're all cowed by political correctness, CHECK AND DOUBLE CHECK.

He's not even trying (very trying) anymore.