December 18th, 2006

stoopid with two Os

You go to war with the zombies you've got

You know what occurred to me recently? The image of Muslims propagated by the war blogs is pretty much exactly like that of zombies in bad sci-fi movies.

They’re forever comparing the threat of Islamism to that of Nazis, but aside from some fairly gaping chasms between the fantasy and the reality (foremost of which is that Islamic terrorists do not have their own army, government, or even unifying ethos), there’s even a basic difference in the cultural portrayal. While the public certainly engaged in plenty of racial stereotyping and cartoonish othering of our national enemies in the Second World War, the people up top – war planners, journalists, politicians, generals and commentators – seemed to possess a general sense of realism. They believe that the Germans and Japanese were capable of being civilized, that their battle tactics and strategies were the product of thought and planning and could be understood, that their motivations were recognizable and human, that given the proper circumstances their threat could be contained and their leaders could be neutralized.

With the devil-worshippers of the great deserts to the east, though, it is a different matter. Despite the efforts of modern propagandists to paint them as the second coming of the last really good villains the America At War series had, their portrayal is much more like that of robots or vampires than any Evil Empire you can name:

- They have no motivation but destruction. Their only aim is to kill and destroy, for no reason than that they are evil.

- Even though our liberals and intellectuals are always are trying to appease them, they cannot be appeased. If we negotiate with them it will be seen only as weakness and will spur them to more violence.

- Like the Terminator, they cannot be reasoned with, they cannot be bargained with, and they will never stop killing until every westerner lies dead. You can no more appeal to their reason than you can that of a tornado.

- The inhumanity of their motivation extends to their techniques and behaviors. They do not love their children or their fellows, because the only thing they can love is death. They behead with knives and destroy with bombs, which should be seen not as evidence of their lack of access to modern weapons and tactics, but rather of their savagery. Satan does not use a pitchfork because he does not own a gun.

- As zombies and vampires are united in their thirst for blood and flesh, Muslims are united in their lust for death. There are no innocents among them, for whatever their good intentions, they must obey the lustmord of their faith. It is good to demand from them constant affirmations of their loyalty to our value system – absence of these merely shows how evil they truly are – but such affirmations should never be taken as evidence of true goodness, of which they are not capable.

This realization hit me when I was thumbing through Hugh Hewitt’s blog this weekend and I encountered two posts about the hijacking of a Turkish airliner. The first was presented as yet another example of the vile behavior of the so-called Religion of Peace, yet another horror inflicted on innocents by the bloodthirsty Mahometan, yet another proof that none of them can be trusted. It turned out, unfortunately, that the hijacker was in fact a Christian; the second blog post made a correction, shame-faced in its terseness, stating that the man was not a Muslim, but a “crazy Christian”. Odd, that: a Christian who would do such a thing must be crazy, because the default condition of the Christian mind is peace, sanity, and reason. You never hear these people say that an atrocity has been committed by a “crazy Muslim”, however; the default condition of the Islamic mind is that of violence, lunacy, and murder. Indeed, stating that violent behavior by a Muslim is the result of insanity is the sort of thing a weak, cowardly, politically correct liberal – the kind of person who cannot recognize them all for the monsters they really are – would say.

That’s when it occurred to me that most of the things that right-wingers, from the shitheels at Little Green Footballs all the way up to the President, say about Muslims makes a lot more sense if you imagine that they are actually talking about zombies. I think that’s who they’d rather be fighting, anyway.
ho ho ho

Everything I do, I do it for you

And now, the Christmas wish of thespus, who requested “Leonard Pierce’s Living. Like Martha Stewart, but with less glitter and more swearing. Still has pinecone x-mas decorations though.”




Uncoil a new wreath idea this year. Wrap your favorite barbed wire – be it razor, flesh-stripping, or the simple and traditional twin-prong model – with weatherproof wax coating that will hold up outdoors. Add decorative bands in contrasting Christmas colors and tie with ribbon. Thread through with your favorite garrote (ours is a two-foot sharpened wire) and mount. Affix a satin bow, and give those pesky carolers the surprise of there soon-to-be-shortened lives.


Although these oversized snowflake streamers look delicate, there’s nothing flimsy about the strongly worded slogans we affix to them. Cut free-form wintry shapes and cut out using a military-issue K-1 survival knife; start with a 15” square of bulletproof Kevlar, because well-meaning neighbors will try to set it on fire. Continue folding and outline template with permanent marker (you’ll need it later). Hang from rafters or support beams with a twelve-loop hangman’s noose, then decorate with feisty slogans. Our favorites: “FOR CHRIST THE KING IS BORN, BEFORE THE TREACHEROUS JEWS MURDER HIM”; “MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU SHIT-DRAGGING FUCKFACES”; “REINDEER DON’T LET THE SUN SET ON YOU IN MY YARD”.


Dress up your dinner table with napkin holders made of spun platinum and silkworms. Trace designs onto sheet of pressed silkworms (use an ironing board) and cut out into shape. Fold each leaf in half lengthwise and iron again to remove creases and make sure the silkworms are dead. Thread spun platinum through into the middle of decorative cording. Holders will not actually function, but rather fall apart in seconds, leaving your guests to eat over a mess of steam-fried bug corpses. But at least it costs a lot of money!


Horror comes from your kitchen when you stack a series of progressively awful objects to form a tannenbaum and top with a Soviet war criminal’s head, flaming chunk of bullcrap, or deceased infant. Sawblades, vivisected torso slices, and blown-up photographs of sex crime victims work well, as do the stretched-out faced of long-dead Indian shamans. Cream cheese frosting between pairs and cheap Brazilian crank laced with PCP dusted on tip create a sweet snowfall.


I guess this is, what, you make a decoration out of a pine cone? Put a ribbon on it and some jingle bells, some fucking thing. And then smear it with peanut butter and use it as a bird feeder, I guess. Christ, I’m so hung over. Anyway, happy holidays! It’s a good thing! Et cetera! Now get out of my house before I start shooting.

You could take a poll a day

You people! You’re the reason for the season!

Poll #891023 Let polls be posted, though the heavens fall

Is it better to give than to receive?

It is, unless you’re talking about oral sex.
It is, even if you’re talking about oral sex.
I’ll tell you if you stop saying “oral sex”.
They are equally good.
They are equally bad.

What Christmas treats do you enjoy?

Roast goose.
Candy canes.
Wassail bowl.
Beef logs, cheese balls, and all that other Hickory farms stuff that some distant aunt always sends you.
Holiday Pepsi, holy shit, that stuff was amazing BRING THAT BACK.
Other (see Comments).

Rudolph is found brutally murdered in his pen: his throat has been cut by a jagged shard of steel, and his corpse has been repeatedly defiled. A copy of the sheet music for Jehan Tabourot & George Ratcliffe Woodward’s “Ding Dong Merrily on High” is stuffed in his mouth, scrawled with incoherent quasi-Marxist rhetoric. Which of his fellow reindeer is responsible for the horrible crime?

Dasher, who did to keep him from revealing his involvement in a network of Russian meth labs.
Dancer, who did it in order to frame Mrs. Claus, who recently broke off their lesbian affair.
Prancer, who was undergoing a psychotic episode brought on by steroid abuse.
Vixen, who did it because Rudolph was threatening to “spoil her looks” if she didn’t pay him protection.
Comet, because Comet is just one mean motherfucker.
Cupid, who did it as a hate crime because Rudolph was Jewish.
Donner, who did it because Rudolph called him “Dunder” one too many goddamn times.
Blixen, who did it to appease her cruel master Santa Claus, who demanded a sacrifice to his weird gods.
They all did it together, like in that one Agatha Christie novel.
Thanks for ruining another Christmas, Leonard.

What is the stupidest right-wing outrage of the year?

America is losing in Iraq because the media will only report bad news
a scary Muslim got elected to office and now he wants to be sworn in the Q’uran
the war on Christmas/Easter
Mexicans are planning a “reconquista” where they take over the southwestern U.S.
Christians are the most discriminated-against minority in the country
political correctness is turning France into Eurabia
Muslim cabbies are forcing their religion on us by not letting us get drunk in their taxis
the Lord is being disrespected with a new dollar coin that puts “In God We Trust” on the side instead of the front or back
Democrats are the party of intolerance because they turned Mark Foley into a pariah
Hollywood won’t make movies about how great America is/how evil Muslims are
Even Superman is a dirty PC traitor because some of the ads for the movie didn’t say “and the American way”
that eight-year-old black girl who writes poems about how Whitey is bad
homos conspired to rig the Oscars
something about video games or rap music or sex-dancing or other stuff the coloreds like
some other ridiculous non-controversy (see Comments)

As you know, Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. As you also know, this one will probably be kind of a downer, for a variety of reasons you’re probably already familiar with. What should I do for Christmas to avoid having to sit through the family meltdown that will inevitably occur?

it's magic

Look! Down at the mall! It's a shitbird! It's a limp-dick! It's...GOD-MAN!

I wasn't gonna post any Town Hall bullshit this week, but ortho_bob hipped me to this conclave of impotent Christian numbnuts, and it's just too good to pass up. Let's take a look!

In recent years, most of the Church’s efforts to reach out to the male markets in America have proven only marginally effective.

Much like the males themselves.

Today, most of the male population does not attend church, and those who do often find themselves simply going through the motions.

Much like their wives.

GodMen is an organization that takes a different, more aggressive approach motivating average guys.

In other words, finally! A church that caters to the sports talk radio moron demographic!

"America’s comedian," Brad Stine, who will host the event

Apparently America doesn't require its comedian to be funny, because man, Brad Stine? His jokes don't even have the strength to lay there and die. They're shipped in already dead, like sardines from Thailand.

describes it thus: “GodMen aims to connect men with their spiritual masculinity — making them dangerous in a righteous way.

As innumerable ads and books targeted at salesmen, sports-watching couch potatoes and dudes who think it makes them the equivalent of the warriors of Sparta that they can build a drywall prove, there's always money to be made in this country by telling fat, pasty, soft, weak, pussy-ass white-collar American men that they're "warriors". If these guys really WERE dangerous, they'd be terrifying -- Christian jihadists working themselves into a war fever with the help of God. But they're about as dangerous as a wet sock.

The guys who attend this conference will find themselves stirred and inspired, but they won’t be required to cry or hold another man’s hand. We promise.

Don't worry, you won't have to do anything faggy!

Coughlin will provide a corrective portrait of Christian manhood.

This is, conversely, the gayest sentence ever written.

Philosopher and master illusionist Ken Sands of Mars Hill will illustrate how easily believers can be seduced from the simplicity of the gospel.

When you read "philosopher and master illusionist", didn't you immediately think of G.O.B. Bluth?

“Our belief in the Christian God is not a blind faith relegated to a fairy tale,” Ken says. “In fact, it's irrational to deny God, because the nature of rationality confirms Him."


Other speakers include Nate Larkin, author of the forthcoming “Samson and the Pirate Monks,”

Failed children's author trying to cash in on the megachurch demographic...

and cultural analyst Dave Bunker

Recipient of Scaife money...

They will describe their experience with the Samson Society, a fellowship of Christian men devoted to collaborative living.

A gaggle of barely repressed homos terrified of their own libidos.

“In the final analysis,” Larkin says, “Christianity is a team sport, not an individual event.” Bunker agrees. “God’s design and plan is that every believer should be a functioning part of the Body of Christ. There is no place in the church for either spectators or superstars.”

Hey, a sports analogy! GUYS LOVE THOSE.

Mike Smith, whose management company is organizing the event

Mike Smith, a shameless, hustling opportunist who would be organizing the "SatanMen" event if it would pay more...

says that the aim of GodMen is to help men recapture the dignity of masculinity from cultural forces that have diminished it for decades.


Smith emphasizes that the goal of GodMen is not to create one more "nice" and “safe” Christian man, a passive male whose only response to adversity is to fold his hands in prayer.

Because Jesus hates it when you pray.

Rather, the purpose of the movement is to equip an army of men who embody the spirit of the faithful and rugged Jesus.

Who was just kidding with that "love your neighbor" and "turn the other cheek" stuff.

Smith has also drawn from his musical background and has The "Right Brothers"

Whose latest album, No Apologies, contains a song called "I'm in Love with Ann Coulter" and whose commitment to rebellious, dangerous, cutting-edge defiant rockin' can be found on the six hundred exhortations on their website not to file-share their awesome tunes.

“Words cannot adequately describe this event,” says Brad Stine.

Probably the truest statement in the press release.

This event is for men who are ready to be fearless and dangerous!

Pssssh, whatever, Godmen. Tell it to ya Wal-Mart checkout clerk. You wanna be fearless and dangerous? Volunteer for minesweeping duty in Afghanistan, or start a Christian ministry in Pakistan. You ain't fearless and dangerous 'cause you paid $200 to hang out in a convention center in downtown Nashville all day. Call me when you blow up a skyscraper or kill some Saracens or something, and you know what? I'll still laugh at you.