December 21st, 2006

ho ho ho

Make all our dreams come true...FOR ME AND YOU!

I was so busy at work yesterday that I forgot to make one of your Christmas wishes come true. So today I'm doing two.

First off, for the delightful, delish tawdryjones, who wished for "Coen Brothers do Christmas classics".

Blood Santa. In a small North Pole town, a dim-witted elf cuckolds the strip-club-owning Santa. As an act of revenge, Claus hires a seedy Eskimo detective to set them adrift on an ice floe.

Raisin Arizona. After many years in prison, a small-time crook finds himself lacking the knowhow to make his wife a fruitcake. He thus conspires to steal one from bakery maven Nasrud Arizona.

Reindeers Crossing. When a labor dispute over oat breaks flares up into a full-fledged reindeer strike, Santa hires independent arbitrator Tom Reagan, who plays a dangerous game by sleeping with Dancer.

Berton Funk. Follows the adventures of the incompetent Clarence, a guardian angel who shows an LA screenwriter what the world would have been like without him, after which Funk commits suicide.

The Chump Sucka Proxy. A New York rap crew conspires to throw the big Christmas freestyle battle in order to collect on the punk insurance, but their hired sucka, MC Norv, is more than they expected.

Cargo. When a pair of meth-abusing Finns plan to hijack Santa's sled and make a killing on black-market PS3s, things descend into a violent spiral of murder and mayhem only an elf can set right.

The Big Liebowitz. Donald Trump hires a photographer to take his Christmas card photo, but it's not artsy superstar Annie Liebowitz; it's doped-up, hygenically challenged loser Smoyel "Lefty" Liebowitz.

O Jesus, Where Art Thou?. Three rural convicts from the Palestinian backwoods are scheduled to be crucified for their deeds, but one of them claims to be the son of God and hatches a zany scheme.

The Man Who Wasn't Fair. It's an existential Christmas crisis as a 40-year-old gets coal in his stocking because he turned out to be a small-town barber instead of a coin-operated laundromat owner.

Intolerabe Yulery. Santa and Mrs. Claus head for divorce court, but there's trouble ahead as St. Nick's high-priced attorney turns out to have a sick MILF thing going on for dowdy cookie matrons.

The Ladyfingers. A gaggle of eccentric criminals will do anything to get an old woman's award-winning Christmas treat recipe in this horrifying look at the hyper-competitive world of bake-offs.
lex you idiot

I am not an uberthinker. I am an overthinker. It's different.

I just found out that we have the day off tomorrow at Yellow Rectangular Border Publishing. This means:

- Four-day weekend!
- But I’m a contractor, so I don’t get paid for holidays.
- Luckily, I picked up some freelance gigs this week!
- It was even less necessary for me to wear a suit today than usual, but I did it anyway.

And now, for your delight and amusement, Four Things I Was Going to Post About But They Turned Out to Be Way Too Long and Also Not Very Interesting. See? As bad as this journal is, it could be so much worse!

1. A thing about how I take a lot of freelance assignments I don’t really want to do, like for instance an upcoming review of the remake of The Hitcher or a fairly good chunk of the trade writing I am given, because of the money. This would have turned into the larger topic of how I love to write, and writing about things I don’t care about feels kinda crummy to me sometimes, like I’m degrading the one thing I can actually do semi-competently, but then again, what’s the alternative? Never making any money off my writing at all? REASON I ABANDONDED THE POST: it was whiny, self-centered and hypocritical.

2. A thing about how even though I would rather watch flies fuck than watch car racing, I actually have a huge admiration for racecar drivers, because they possess a type of courage that is entirely alien to me. This would have turned into the larger topic of “courage” in general, both physical and moral/mental, neither of which I tend to possess. Also a side discursion into how people have called me courageous because I have been in a number of physical fights; while I don’t find this courageous, others do, because they’re afraid of/incapable of fighting, just as I probably find certain behaviors courageous even though the people who evince them do not. Finally, a charming piece of self-deprecation wherein I reveal that for a long time, I did not believe that “racecar” is a palindrome, even though it obviously is. REASON I ABANDONED THE POST: it was boring.

3. A thing about how fucking crazy it drives me that so many people are willing to abandon the ethics, principles and founding ideals of our country in order to protect it against its enemies. Because, I mean, otherwise, it’s just nationalism, just names for sides: if you don’t care about the Constitution and the higher moral standard, why be proud to be an American? Examples would be given regarding terrorism, crime, homosexuality, religion, business, immigration, and all those other topics that make my head hurt. REASON I ABANDONED THE POST: it just made me sound like a gassy windbag, and also I have already written it about two thousand times.

4. A thing about work, and how it’s both alienating and inviting, about its role as the only social outlet a lot of people have yet it is incredibly controlled and structured and paternal, about how its prominence in the lives of the vast majority of citizens is not remotely adequately reflected in legislation, corporate culture, or even financial life. This would have turned into a discourse on the myth of universal entrepreneurialism, the American hatred of anything that resembles socialism, and the eternal bogosity of the self-made man. Side tours would be taken into the issue of how Bush has just called for a massive boost in military spending and an extended tax cut at the same time, and a fascinating mini-review of the bathrooms at my office. REASON I ABANDONED THE POST: it was too long, and I feel like I’ve been whining too much about my job given that it’s the only day job I’ve ever had that I actually like.

There you have it! Probably 29, 30 pages of my unreadable dreck, condensed into a mere two! Don’t say I never got you nothin’ for Christmas.

Why have I done this? What madness? What foul times?

Everyone in my office is out Christmas shopping. I am stuck here waiting for a delivery person to bring me mark-ups of a picture of a door to stare at. In the meantime, I have written out various quotes from The Cross and the Switchblade with the word "pumpkin" inserted.

LITTLE BO: Five dollars is this chick's top dollar. For that you get two joints of marijuana, her pumpkin and two bits change.


PUMPKIN: Hey! My name's in the Bible! Pumpkin! Pumpkin! Pumpkin! Pumpkin! I'm pratically on every page!


ROSA: Hey, Preach, this god of yours...what's he gonna do for me? I'm a mainliner. You know, the hot stuff. Pumpkins! A whole mountain of snow white. That's heaven. What have you got? huh?


BIG CAT: Tell me, pumpkin. This God of yours...does he rumble?

DAVID: Yeah. Yeah, he rumbles. He's fighting for you right now.


LAWYER: What makes you think they will let these kids go?

DAVID: I've got a whole church back in Pumpkinsburg praying for them.

LAWYER: Well, they'd better be praying, because the D.A. will burn those creeps!


LITTLE BO: This turf belongs to the AAAGP. They don't rumble anyhow, they just freak out.

DAVID: What's the AAAGP?

LITTLE BO: That's the 'American Association for the Advancement of Gangs and Pumpkins'.


NICKY: What's the matter with me? Why does he have to pick on me?

ISRAEL: Because you're the worst. Craziest pumpkin there is. If he can reach you, he can reach anybody.


BIG CAT: When all your worst plans are made, you'd best sign up for Medicaid.

ISRAEL: You'd better forget about Medicaid and start saving for your pumpkin!


NICKY: You come near me and I'll kill you!

DAVID: Yeah, you could do that. You could cut me up into a thousand pumpkins and lay them in the street, and every piece will still love you.


DAVID: You wouldn't be afraid to shake hands with a skinny pumpkin, would you?


DELANO: You've been working with a bad bunch of pumpkins, and you've got them smiling!