January 2nd, 2007

party time

On the rez

I hate to start out the new year apologizing, because I seem to do nothing but apologize sometimes. I did a particular lot of it last year, to some people who deserve a lot more than that. I guess one way to not apologize so much would be to stop fucking up all the time, but what are the odds of my doing that? Anyway, I'm sorry to editrix26 & kp3000, never_fear and zulkey. I wanted to see all of you during my Chicago holiday, but as I've mentioned here, I was basically in town for little more than a day, and given my travel requirements, lost luggage, and inebriated stupefaction, I wasn't able to get around much on New Year's Eve. I hope you had lovely parties and that you'll someday recover from not getting to see my fat drunken ass.

Speaking of which, I spent yesterday sleep-deprived and ridiculously hung over, but this morning, I'm still feeling pretty woeful, so I'm wondering if I actually picked up something nasty during the 12-15 hours I was on airplanes in the last few days. I was just telling my wonderful friends Lara & Jeff -- who always throw amazing parties on New Year's Eve with incredible food and company -- how I dodged a bullet this year: I go to their holiday party every year, and almost every year I'm sick and unable to fully enjoy myself. This time, though, I was in the fullness of health throughout the whole party, only to get back to SA and feel like a trod-on microwave burrito. I have a huge deadline at work today, so I can't stay home, but maybe once the work's done, I can sneak out early and sleep for another 12 hours or so.

I'm not one for making resolutions, largely because I'm not one for keeping resolutions but I am one for beating myself up. I don't care to go back and look at anything I said at this time last year, because I probably neglected to say "don't completely fuck up your life", and if I did, there's another one I broke. This year I'm calling no plans, making vague internal committments to eat better, drink less and try not to treat people any worse than I already have, but beyond that, I'm just working on smoothing the edges of my rut and trying to find a comfortable place to die. If I can mildly amuse myself and others during that time, I'll go ahead and call the year a triple kitty bonus winner.

NOTEL This entry wasn't supposed to sound so maudlin and depressing. I'm actually in a pretty great mood today, despite feeling like freeze-dried hell. And the whole day of 12/31 is probably, from the things I did to the friends I saw to the people I talked to, the best day I've had since September. Happy 2007, folks, for real.

My darling, I can't get enough of THREE WEEKS DEAD

In which we examine the last 21 days worth of celebrity fatalities.

Name: James Brown
Age at Death: 73
Famous for: getting up, staying on the good foot, feeling like being a sex machine
Did you know?: was Rick James, bitch, before Rick James, bitch was Rick James, bitch
Cause of death: papa got a brand new coffin

Name: John Butcher
Age at Death: 60
Famous for: conservative MP and former Minister of Trade and Industry
Did you know?: opened for the J. Geils Band with his rock/blues review, the Axis
Cause of death: hit in the face with meteor, or possibly a heart attack

Name: Charlie Drake
Age at Death: 81
Famous for: whoopsie British comedian
Did you know?: disproved superiority of English culture by making "My Boomerang Won't Come Back" a monster hit
Cause of death: in hell, oh my darlings

Name: Gerald Ford
Age at Death: 93
Famous for: pardoning that cocksucker Nixon
Did you know?: his term in office marked the last time Chevy Chase was even remotely funny
Cause of death: failed to whip inflation of his heart muscle

Name: Saddam Hussein
Age at Death: 69
Famous for: inspiring more hilarious t-shirts and bumper stickers than the Ayatollah Khomeini
Did you know?: caused an anonymous Iraqi to violate his cell phone company's terms of service agreement
Cause of death: tried to kill the president's dad

Name: Marmaduke Hussey
Age at Death: 83
Famous for: being chairman of the board of governors of the BBC
Did you know?: full title was Lord Marmaduke, Baron Hussey of North Bradley; was married to Lady Sunan, Baroness Hussey, Woman of the Bedchamber to Queen Elizabeth II.
Cause of death: lost a duel with precocious schoolboy batsman Norman "Mandy" Mitchell-Innes over the right to be called the most absurdly named man in England

Name: Ma Ji
Age at Death: 72
Famous for: mastering a form of Chinese comedy completely impenetrable to Westerners
Did you know?: Chinese government, proving that communist rhetoric can suck the fun out of anything, described him in his obituary as "mainstay in the field of comic dialogue Ma Ji"
Cause of death: failed to nail a joke at the 5th Annual Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference

Name: Cristin Keleher
Age at Death: 34
Famous for: stalking the least interesting Beatle
Did you know?: bizarrely, was the second-most-famous George Harrison stalker
Cause of death: hooked up with someone even crazier than she was

Name: Norman Mitchell-Innes
Age at Death: 92
Famous for: "precocious schoolboy batsman"
Did you know?: may have inspired Neil Diamond song "Mandy" ("what a good test cricket player you would be")
Cause of death: died of old age while trying to explain rules of cricket to an American

Name: Elena Mukhina
Age at Death: 46
Famous for: perfecting the Thomas salto, an incredibly difficult gymnastics move
Did you know?: whoops, maybe didn't quite perfect it after all
Cause of death: having the most depressing life imaginable

Name: Saparmurat Niyazov
Age at Death: 66
Famous for: being completely batshit
Did you know?: replaced Turkmen word for "bread" with his mother's name
Cause of death: Stalin needed some company

Name: Darrent Williams
Age at Death: 24
Famous for: playing cornerback for the Denver Broncos
Did you know?: wasn't going to make the playoffs anyway
Cause of death: facts are still out, but may have had something to do with sneakers

It's the holidays, damn it, they throw me off my game

NOTE: contains absolutely nothing about New Year's resolutions.

Poll #899036 First Monday, er, Tuesday poll of '07! BUST IT!

What do you think of Gerald Ford?

Worst president ever.
Bad president.
Mediocre president.
Good president.
Greatest president of all time.
He pardoned that cocksucker Nixon, damn him.
He pardoned that cocksucker Nixon, bless him.
He gave Chevy Chase something to do.
He made a fine automobile.

Who should we declare war on next?

North Korea
Lower Slobbovia
stem cells
Iraq, again, because why not
war? Huh! Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'.

What do you do about hiccups?

Sip water
Hold my breath
Sit perfectly still
Massage my stomach
Get someone to scare me
Suffer quietly until they go away or I die
Ignore them, they just want attention
I never get hiccups
It's spelled "hiccoughs", jackass
Some other folk remedy (see Comments)

What do you do to keep your car smelling good?

One of those hanging tree fresheners (classic pine scent)
One of those hanging tree fresheners (new-fangled other scent)
Some kind of spray or scent dispenser in the glove compartment
A foul and overpowering scent treatment at the car wash
I keep it smelling good by always having a bucket of fried chicken in the trunk
I just keep it clean so it doesn't smell bad in the first place
I don't do anything because I like a stinky car
This is seriously your first poll of 2007? Because, dude, this sucks
Seriously, Ford? Hiccups? Car smell? It must be boring just to type all this
I don't have a car

Who would you like to see me interview this year?