My neighborhood has a Wal-Mart not too far away. This town loves its Wal-Mart. And speaking of love, this is the time of year to show your wife that you love her almost as much as you love football and the Hooters girls! So why not do that by buying her an hilarious St. Valentine's day novelty gift? There are so many to choose from, so many tender sentiments to express in so many meaningful ways!
How about the big foil-wrapped chocolate bass, mounted on a cardboard plaque, that reads "YOU'RE A KEEPER!"? Nothing tells your wife how much she means to you like comparing her to a dead fish, and assuring her that you have no intention of throwing her back in the "pond" with a portion of her mouth mangled and torn! Plus, it reminds her that you like fishing.
Not into fishing? Then how about some candy beans in a novelty tin shaped like a beer can that says "YOU'RE INTOXICATING"? That way, you can remind your soulmate that she is nearly as important to you as the three cans of Bud Lite you have at lunch! She'll treasure it forever, especially on those nights where you come home loaded and yell at her for getting fat.
Too personal? How about a gift that conjures up precious memories of the time she took care of you after you had a massive coronary from walking up a flight of stairs? Then you'll want the big foil-wrapped chocolate race car, mounted on a cardboard winner's circle, that reads "YOU MAKE MY HEART RACE!". Remember all the good times you had together in the infield of NASCAR events? She got a nacho plate to stuff in her darling maw, and you got to not hear her yak yak yak over the roar of the engines! Precious memories.
So far, no sign of a novelty chocolate shotgun reading "I'M TAKING AIM AT YOUR HEART!" or a novelty chocolate porn magazine that says "I WISH YOU LOOKED LIKE THIS!", but I'll keep looking. And that's...tasteful San Antonio.