February 12th, 2007

the one with your name on it

My own private Mafia

As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to be a low-level functionary for the mob. My appearance, temperament, dislike of honest work, and slight disposition towards violence make me a natural to serve as a driver, runner, or guy-who-stands-around-the-warehouse-looking-surly for an organized crime racket.

Unfortunately, my unsuitable ethnic, class and educational background have conspired to deny me a place in the Mafia. And since the prejudices of others keep me out of the mob, I have decided to form my own. I hereby announce my most exciting project to date: the formation of an organized crime syndicate, to be headed by me and open to all qualified applicants.

Unlike the hidebound, stodgy traditionalists of the Mafia, the Triads and the Yakuza, my organized crime syndicate will be open to all, regardless of gender, sexual preference or ethnic background. Those who have found themselves denied a place at the table by Hell's Angels or Crips due to a distaste for bloodshed will be welcome here: there are innumerable roles for you in my organized crime syndicate for the non-violent, including such confrontation-free positions as Valet, Snack Tray Restocker, and Guy Who Alphabetizes My Comic Book Collection. You will have plenty of opportunities to spend time with your friends and loved ones, as this is not a live-in mob. There will be all of the excitement, abuse of intoxicants, and illicit, dangerous sex one normally associates with organized crime, but none of the risk of imprisonment: our rackets will mostly be legal ones, like selling things on eBay, renewing our tags on the last possible day, writing off business lunches, and using the postal meter at work for personal use. We will convene bimonthly, with our headquarters located wherever I happen to be living at the time, and the grueling initiation ceremony will involve listening to me talk about literary theory for half an hour with no bathroom breaks. Attention from law enforcement agents will be dealt with swiftly and brutally, by the ruthless application of martinis.

Actually I guess what I'm proposing is less an organized crime syndicate than a cocktail party. But still.

El Poll-O Loco

Okay, I know that the Austin Powers movies sort of beat this concept into the ground, but what amount of money do you think it's worth committing a serious crime for? I ask because I was reviewing season 2 of Lost, and Sawyer and his partner were pulling a long con for $600,000. Given the amount of time and effort they put into it, it hardly seemed worth it for three hundred grand each, but I dunno, there are days I feel like I could shoot someone for their car, so what do I know? I guess I always expect a supervillain to ask for at least a couple mil, given the cost of industrial machinery these days.

Anyway, here's your guaranteed-offensive-and-depressing MONDAY POLL.
Poll #925678 Lenny Valentino Decide

What are you doing for Valentine's Day?

I am doing some sort of traditional romantic deal with my sweetie
I am staying at home with my spouse/S.O. and thinking about when we used to do things
I am spending a quiet evening with friends and/or loved ones
I am writing an insane, profanity-laced tirade against the greeting card industry
I am having a birthday party
I am celebrating Lupercalia with my pagan sasquatch amigos
I am pedantically reminding people that St. Valentine's feast day was removed from the Church calendar in 1969
I am having sex with as many people as possible, as often as possible
the same thing I do every night: nothin'
I am doing a scientific experiment where I stare up at the gum stuck to the underside of my desk and figure out how much gin it takes to kill someone

How do you react when you encounter someone who dislikes cursing and says things like "doodie" and "wee-wee" and "heck"?

I respect their wishes and conduct myself accordingly
I try not to giggle too much
I immediately insert the word "cocksucker" into every sentence I utter
I am like that myself!
I have never encountered a person like that

Similarly, what is your attitude concerning "the n-word"?

I don't say it ever for any reason
I only say it in an ironic context
I wanna say it real bad, but I know it's not right
I only say it in my rap songs
I say it all the time because I am "politically incorrect"
I say it all the time because I am "a big fat fucking racist"
I am a person of color and this poll question makes me want to punch you in the neck
I don't know why anyone would use that ugly word when they could just say 'Negroid'
just thinking about this question makes me feel ucky
wait, what word are we talking about?

Have you ever worn a uniform?

I have worn one as a Boy Scout/Girl Scout or as part of some other youth organization
I have worn one as a member of the military
I have worn one as a public servant in government employ
I have worn one as required by my job
I wore one in high school for band/cheer/ROTC/etc.
I have worn one as part of an organized sports team
I have worn one as part of some kinky-ass sex thing
I have never worn a uniform for any reason
I am wearing a uniform right now
I have worn one for another reason, not listed here

All of the sudden you are a man named Clive, and you have a large moustache in an outdated style. What do you do for a living?


Those who can't do, link

So, so many updates at Clown Central Station, including links to people who are better political bloggers than me, a meeting of the minds at Town Hall, and NOONAN!

I love CCS. It spares you all from having to read my awful political writing, just as not reading the Ludic Log allows you to pretend I don't waste my life on that thing.