A schediastic hootenanny

- Someone, possibly in Austin, ganged up my car. There's a hood tag written in Sharpie on the passenger side front door of the ChickWagon. My hope is that other local thugs will follow suit, transforming my beat-up ride into a graffed-up masterpiece, but I'm not entirely confident in that hope.

- More Clown Central Station and no Ludic Log again today. Damn me for freelancing, sleeping and doing all that other shit that keep me from constantly updating a site nobody reads. But a paid blogging gig (details to come) tips tomorrow, and I hope you'll all give it at least one-fourth of an eyeball.

- Whoa, this. Comedy geeks, be aware.

- I was contemplating buying a webcam and recording equipment the other day, but then I thought, what the fuck am I going to do with that? Am I not, despite being fat, spread too thin? Are my thoughts really that worthwhile? Clearly, as this post indicates, they are not. So instead I bought a new shirt and paid off a credit card. These purchases lacked consumer frisson, but at least they didn't result in you having to look at me.

- Speaking of which: what's the most expensive article of clothing you own? I was bitching to a friend that I've been spending way too much money on clothes, by my standards (that is, I've been shopping at places other than thrift stores), but in doing so, I discovered that she, as well as a number of my friends, own multiple articles of clothing that cost somewhere between what I paid for my handgun and what I paid for my computer.

- Three times in three days, people have told me I look like Vincent "Leonard" D'Onofrio. This is patently insane, but I guess it beats being told I look like R. Lee Ermey.

- You know what's coming up soon? Very soon? Very, very soon?

The 2007 Crappys.

You know, James Wolcott aside, I'm no fan of Vanity Fair (or, as I like to call it, Vanity UNfair, HAW HAW HAW). And I'm definitely no fan of Annie Liebowitz and her culturally tone-deaf staged photos. But I gotta admit, the big photo spread in the latest VF -- a Liebowitz shoot disguised as a "lost noir classic" -- is a pretty lovely piece of work. She never gets too clever or self-impressed, and it does nicely what VF does best: portray beautiful people looking beautiful.

The accompanying piece on noir history isn't terrible, but it isn't great; some nice photos and quotes, but nothing new in the way of original insight or placement of the movement in a proper historical context. Still, the photo shoot is lovely, and you can't have everything.

I'm x-posting this from Clown Central Station on the off chance that you missed it and you feel terribly deprived not getting to read my predictable, defensive political ranting. Also because it's really fucking funny.

Over at Pedestrian Infidel, one of the more virulent anti-Muslim hate sites, one of the mouthbreathers has posted an hilarious proposed constitutional amendment that would ban Islam. Thus making it the sort of constitutional amendment that not only openly ignores the content of the rest of the constitution, but neatly accomplishes the very goals of the people it claims to target. Let's take a look!

Whereas Religion is defined as an institution dedicated to improving social conscience and promoting individual and societal spiritual growth in a way that is harmless to others not participating in or practicing the same;

It is? Says who?

Whereas Islam includes a complete political and social structure, encompassed by its religious law, Sharia, that supersedes any civil law and that Islam mandates that no secular or democratic institutions are to be superior to Islamic law;

Of course, millions and millions of individual Muslims and many majority-Islamic states do not practice shari'a, but that's not important right now.

Whereas Islam preaches that it and it alone is the true religion

A precept completely absent from any other religions widely believed here in the US of A.

Whereas Saudi Arabia, the spiritual home of Islam does not permit the practice of any other religion on its soil and even “moderate” Muslims states such as Turkey and Malaysia actively suppress other religions;

Whereas in Russia they speak Russian and in Korea all the basketball teams are really short...

Whereas Islam includes as its basic tenant the spread of the faith by any and all means necessary

TENET, you fucking assholes, TENET, use the right goddamn word for once in your lives.

Whereas on 9/11/2001 19 Muslim hijackers acting in the name of Islam killed 3,000 Americans

Islam's name could not be reached for comment.

Whereas there is no organized Islamic opposition to violent proponents of Islam;

None! Anywhere! Which is why violent Islamism dominates in every one of the countries where Islam's 1.5 billion adherents live.

Therefore: Islam is not a religion, but a political ideology more akin to Fascism and totally in opposition to the ideals of freedom as described in the United States Constitution, especially the Bill of Rights.

Therefore, french fries taste good. (Fascism, by the way? Still legal in the U.S. Communism, too.)

Be it resolved that the following Amendment to the Constitution be adopted:

Be it resolved that I'm really impressed with myself.

Article I: The social/political/ideological system known around the world as Islam is not recognized in the United States as a religion. The practice of Islam is therefore not protected under the 1st Amendment as to freedom of religion and speech.

It's some kind of crazy new thing that allows us to ignore the fact that the rest of the Constitution expressly forbids discrimination based on religion -- or, for that matter, social preference, ideological belief, or political party affiliation.

Article II: As representatives of Islam around the world have declared war, and committed acts of war, against the United States and its democratic allies around the world, Islam is hereby declared an enemy of the United States and its practice within the United States is now prohibited.

Be it resolved that we just wrote the world's biggest enforcement problem right into the Constitution.

Article III: Immediately upon passage of this Amendment all Mosques, schools and Muslim places of worship and religious training are to be closed, converted to other uses, or destroyed. Proceeds from sales of such properties may be distributed to congregations of said places but full disclosure of all proceeds shall be made to an appropriate agency as determined by Congress. No compensation is to be offered by Federal or State agencies for losses on such properties however Federal funding is to be available for the demolishing of said structures if other disposition cannot be made.

This is super-American and democratic! What patriotic, freedom-loving American doesn't want to seize and destroy the property of innocent people?

The preaching of Islam in Mosques, Schools, and other venues is prohibited. The subject of Islam may be taught in a post high school academic environment provided that instruction include discussion of Islam’s history of violence, conquest, and its ongoing war on democratic and other non-Islamic values.

Well, this doesn't resemble the tactics of Nazis, Stalinists, or radical Islamists at ALL.

The preaching or advocating of Islamic ideals of world domination, destruction of America and democratic institutions, jihad against Judaism, Christianity and other religions, and advocating the implementation of Sharia law shall in all cases be punishable by fines, imprisonment, deportation, and death as proscribed by Congress.

I'll tell you what, I bet the founding fathers are just kicking themselves in Heaven for not having the foresight to include a Constitutional amendment allowing the death penalty for belonging to a different religion.

Muslims will be denied the opportunity to immigrate to the United States.

That way, we can ensure that all the Muslims who aren't radical extremists have to stay where they are and get imprisoned or killed! It's a great plan!

And now, the big finish:

Article IV: Nothing in this amendment shall be construed as authorizing the discrimination against, of violence upon, nor repudiation of the individual rights of those Americans professing to be Muslim.

HA HA HA HA HA, maaaaaan! And people wonder why I find this stuff so goddamn hilarious.

It takes a shocking 10 or 12 posts in the comments section for someone to suggest nuking Mecca. What tolerance! What grace! What the fuck!