I really wish I had more to say about the guys on AI this year, but beyond Chris Sligh, there's not much to say. They're a crop of boring stiffs, and what they lack in personality they make up for in having no talent. Why America has fallen in love with Sanjaya I don't quite understand; melvins like that are a rupee a dozen even in India. The most interesting thing about last night was that Paula compensated for having been only half as drunk as usual last week by being twice as drunk as usual this week.
Also, Spin-L.P. is not with this two-bit Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader? show, and I would like to suggest improvements that would allow me to win $1m, because no way am I smarter than today's fifth-graders, with their superfood-fueled hyper-computer brains.
- Are You Stronger Than a Fifth-Grader?
- Are You Richer Than a Fifth-Grader?
- Are You Better in the Sack Than a Fifth-Grader?
- Are You Taller Than a Fifth-Grader?
- Are You Funnier Than Jeff Foxworthy?
There seems to have been a lot of discussion lately about what real men do and do not do. As a 100% real man made of meat, I feel that I have an undeniable credibility in this matter, and I therefore present the first of an occasional series delineating the acceptable actions of real men, and what things one might do that would lead to exclusion from the fraternity of real men.
1. Real men smell like one of six things: motor oil, sweat, hair tonic, gunpowder, a wet dog, or a variety of "body spray" that makes women have sex with you in elevators. Real men may not smell like anything else for more than ten minutes or they risk losing their realness; at no time may they ever smell like daffodils, furniture polish, cat litter, gazpacho, herb butter, or another man's penis.
2. Real men play hockey, football, basketball, car racing, or baseball (fielders only). Under no circumstances do they play jai-lai, curling, soccer, track & field, or savate. They are allowed to play lacrosse if they are occasionally accused of raping a stripper.
3. Real men do not come from France, even if they are Alain Delon. They are also, as a rule, not Chinese.
4. Real men must constantly worry about the state of their penis. They should experience no shame in purchasing growth pumps, freon sprays or medication designed to artificially generate and erection, even if they are not having sex with anyone, because the only thing more important than tending to your penis is sports. Money is #3, which is why, if you have angst about penis insufficiency, it is desirable to spend lots of it on penile improvements. Whether or not they work is beside the point; a $300-a-day Cialis habit shows that your priorities are properly calibrated. Immediately upon a real man's reaching the age at which his head begins to resemble his penis -- naked on top with a fringe of hair around the bottom and somehow smaller than it used to be -- he should purchase an expensive red convertible sports car and drive it around everywhere with the top down.
5. Many people believe that skill in the art of cooking is a mark of the non-real man, and that the only food preparation techniques with which a man should familiarize himself are cooking a chicken with the aid of a beer can, ordering food laced with sexual innuendo from a Chili's waitress, and criticizing the hamburger-grilling techniques of others. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, all of the great chefs are men, just as all of the great everything elses are men. Those who worry that a career in the culinary arts might sully their realitude by the acquisition of terms like "julienne" and the ability to create a radish rosette may rest assured that once you reach a certain level, the duties of a chef largely involve purely real-man activities like screaming at your incompetent underlings, making lots of money, and pointing out how you are better at your job than any woman.