March 5th, 2007

stella stella can't you hear me yella

Whorin'

If you're absolutely dying for new Ludic Log content, there is some, as I try to play catch-up: there is, for example, a brand-new music blog entry (with the inexplicably unlinked file located here); an expanded version of the "real men" post of a few days back located here; some new and used lists and sausages; and a brand-new little short story for Fiction Tuesdays.

There's also new stuff at Clown Central Station, and lemme tell you this: if you wanna get deeper into movies like your name was Pauline Kael, you really ought to be reading the Screengrab, Nerve.com's indie film blog. I'd be saying that even if they didn't pay me to write for them; the stuff you read and learn over there, coupled with some stuff I know is upcoming, is pretty tasty.
i got all the money

Every time I come around your city, bling bling

So the Texas Lottery* jackpot this week is $340 million, and I plan on winning. I know, people tell me the odds are pretty remote, but on the other hand, I really, really want that money! I think that tips the scales in my favor.

As a result, I've already started spending the money.

- solid gold basketball
- car that runs on wishes
- radioactive space castle
- pay a guy to follow me around and fix it so all the crimes I commit get blamed on Mojo Nixon
- vending machine that dispenses hookers
- expensive cocaine habit, followed by expensive cocaine addiction treatment habit
- unsuccessful bid for office of Superhero-in-Chief of the state of North California
- fifteen consectutive sex change operations, including three concurrent
- calling up the author of whatever book I'm reading and making him go through the big words with me, because I have $340 million
- vacations: Atlantis; Cimmera; Passaic, NJ
- extreme sports adventures (naked)
- hiring Sufjan Stevens to write a concept album about my extreme naked sports adventures
- bringing Horatio Alger back from the dead so I can argue with him
- buy Trump Tower; rename it the Leonard Pierce Trump Tower
- new car that looks just like my old car, but it can change into a Ferrari
- hiring John Updike to write the Ludic Log
- hiring Bruce Vilanch to punch up the Ludic Log
- hiring Mike Tyson to punch out Bruce Vilanch
- commissioning someone to design and build a PlayStation 4, then bribing Sony to let me get higher on the waiting list for it when it comes out
- finally getting on Osama bin-Laden's speed-dial

After all that, I figure I can start making some frivolous discretionary purchases.

*: Speaking of which, non-Texans probably aren't following this story particularly closely, but they should be: it's an absolutely darling little tale of naked political corruption, of the sort that surprises even me, and I'm from Chicago. Gov. Haircut is obviously secure enough in his eventual cabinet posthood that he can do stuff like this, and I love the comment (of the 'please have the kindness not to notice this incredibly obvious thing happening before your very eyes' school) from the UBS spokesman: "The two are in no way connected. Trying to connect them is a myth." We learn so much from studying the myths, don't you think?
banana

Monday means polls!

Just like Friday means checks. OH HO THE CLEFFER PUNTS

Poll #940262 How can I explain it?

You down with O.P.P.?

yeah, you know me
19(32.2%)
like every last homie
8(13.6%)
like every last lady
4(6.8%)
naw, man, not me
11(18.6%)
I'm indifferent, G
17(28.8%)

What are your blog-reading habits?

I have a select list of blogs I read daily
11(18.3%)
I have a select list of blogs I read weekly
2(3.3%)
I have a select list of blogs I read monthly
0(0.0%)
I just sort of check in when I remember
9(15.0%)
I don't read blogs
0(0.0%)
I read blogs through an RSS feed/accumulator/etc.
2(3.3%)
Just looking at the word "blog" makes my soul hurt
0(0.0%)
I only read blogs that you write, Leonard, because you're so awesome and cool
0(0.0%)
God, I feel like such a dirty whore for checking that last box
0(0.0%)
What is these "blogs" for which you is asked?
0(0.0%)

Of the remaining "American Idol" contestants, who is the most obnoxious?

Antonella
6(10.3%)
Blake
0(0.0%)
Brandon
0(0.0%)
Chris R.
0(0.0%)
Chris S.
0(0.0%)
Gina
0(0.0%)
Haley
0(0.0%)
Jared
0(0.0%)
Jordin
0(0.0%)
LaKisha
0(0.0%)
Melinda
0(0.0%)
Phil
2(3.4%)
Sabrina
0(0.0%)
Sanjaya
2(3.4%)
Stephanie
0(0.0%)
Sundance
0(0.0%)
they are all equally good
0(0.0%)
they are all equally obnoxious
1(1.7%)
I don't watch 'American Idol'
32(55.2%)
I wish you didn't watch 'American Idol'
15(25.9%)

Are you going to go see the new David Fincher film, "Zodiac"?

yes
15(25.0%)
no
12(20.0%)
maybe
23(38.3%)
I have already seen it
8(13.3%)
the new who to what where now?
2(3.3%)

Name one thing most of your friends like that you hate, and one thing that you like that most of your friends hate.

flavored with age

Addenda

- Some people might have asked me, "Why on Earth would you get fifteen sex changes?" Here is why:

1. Decide I might like to see what life is like as a woman.
2. Figure I don't really like being a woman; go back to being a man.
3. Worry that I just may not have given being a woman a fair chance.
4. Discover that being a woman is even worse than I thought it was; go back to being a man.
5. Check for becoming a man again bounced, so doctors repo my penis and make me a woman again.
6. Get raise at work; decide to go ahead and become a woman again just to show those doctors.
7. Remember that I didn't like being a woman; go back to being a man.
8. Go ahead and become a woman again anyway, because hey, I can afford it.
9. But now, seriously, go back to being a man, that's enough screwing around now.
10. Go back to being a woman because frankly, after nine sex changes, my dong is looking a little ragged.
11. Decide on a sheer whim to become both a man
12. And a woman
13. At the same time, plus a little bit of some brand-new third gender thrown in there for kicks.
14. Go back to being a man because that totally sucked.
15. Remember that all the time I was a woman, I forgot to have sex, so try it again for that.

I think by that point I'll surely be gender-satisfied, don't you?

- Tasteful San Antonio Mini-Update: remember the fine art gallery that featured day-glo poster paint art of famous people done up to look like Tex-Mex food? It turns out that it's actually a collective. They have a new show starting next week, and the preview painting features a taco taking the Oath of Office. Also, there is an abandonded transient hotel down the street that was once called, according to an ancient faded sign,"OMAR'S GUEST HOUSE - ROOMS AND APARTMENTS - TRANSIENTS WELCOME'. Before that, though, according to an even more ancient faded sign, it was called the "FRISKY A GO GO CLUB".

- I was so shocked by the use of a Davendra Banhart song in the trailer for The Hills Have Eyes 2 that I'm mentioning it again for the eighth time.