March 9th, 2007

technical difficulty

The future is three to five business days from now!

With freelance money rolling in at a steady clip, a big fat tax refund already in my bank accounts, and my debt under some semblance of control, I decided to banish my nagging fears of not being able to get any work done during SxSW and the EMP Pop Conference (which, if I play my cards right, will both be moneymakers for me instead of money-losers) by ponying up for a laptop. My new MacBook is even now winging its way to San Antone, where it will be used to store one-tenth of my music collection, a fun assortment of Widgets, some eye-scrapingly vile pornography, and whatever writing I need to do when I'm not at home. Hooray for being an overpriveleged consumerist jackass!

Lenwell Predicts: Your incredible future!

Lately just everybody who's anybody has gotten in on the prognostication game. I guess it pays well and nobody holds you accountable if you constantly fuck up, which is an advantage it has over my current job, so I figured I'd jump that action. So, here's my first round of PREDICTIONS! OF! YOUR! FUTURE! ! ! ! !

1. As predicted by innumerable right-wing blowhards, Europe will indeed be taken over by Islamic extremists by the year 2020. However, this will be balanced out when Mormons take over the middle east in 2022, Hinayana Buddhists take over central America in 2025, and a small faction of sky-clad Jainists inexplicably take control of North America in 2029.

2. The hot new musical trend of the 2010s will be "drum music", which does not actually feature percussion instruments, but is a form of acapella singing, first popularized by Temple University's Black Whiffenpoofs, that involves rhythmically chanting the word "drum" to the tune of popular hits from the 1970s.

3. Ghana will emerge as a world power in 2037 when a routine gold-mining survey reveals the existence of rich veins of magical gypsum that tastes like ice cream and grants wishes. After nearly three decades as the world's greatest superpower, however, Ghana will fall to pieces from a combination of factors, including increasing gypsum intolerance, a destructive war with Togo over who was supposed to close out the beer tab on National Farmer's Day, and the discovery of a clause in the U.S. Constitution that says no African country is allowed to be a superpower ever.

4. Troubled superstar Lindsay Lohan will find temporary redemption when she is energized by a run for Queen of Grillobia, only to spiral even further into drugs and depression when she learns that there is no such country as Grillobia and if there were, its monarchy would probably be handed down through a hereditary line rather than subject to electoral process.

5. The World Court brings Chinese president Hu Jintao to trial for his nation's illegal occupation of Tibet, but is released following a 'not guilty' verdict as a result of his successful argument that it was all Tibet's fault, because it was just asking to be invaded, and if it wasn't, they why was it sitting right there rubbing up against China, showing off its Himalayas in that skimpy saffron robe?

6. The United States bans making out in the 2036 elections following the widespread assumption of office by right-wing religious fundamentalists. Teenagers are urged to channel their sexual urges into the creation of creepy oil paintings of Jesus, while adults manage to sublimate their urgest to chew on each other's necks by beating up illegal immigrants from Nicaragua, who are flown in just for that purpose.

7. It is scientifically proven that global warming is a myth. Unfortunately, the part of global warming that is a myth turns out to be that global warming can turn you to stone if you see it naked. The part where the ozone layer depletes causing greenhouse gasses to be trapped and resulting in widespread environmental catastrophes, that part is true. The automotive industry responds by pointing out that cigarettes are really bad for you.
stella stella can't you hear me yella


Sometimes people pay me to write things, which is where I disappear to sometimes. Today, I thought I'd tell you about a bunch of people who paid me money, and then not link to it, just to get on your nerves.

If you live in the Seattle area, you can stop by a renovated downtown multi-use commercial/office skyscraper and pick up one of their brochures begging you to come and put your soon-to-be-doomed tech company on the top floor. I wrote that brochure!

If you live in one of 15 major-market SMSAs, the cable guide that you get free with your monthly outlay to the telecom company features an interview by me with the star of My Name is Earl. Also, if you appreciate how the movie listings are in the proper alphabetical order, you have me to thank!

Of course, if you are a reader of grocery, farm, produce and/or restaurant industry trade publications, you already have gotten more than your share of Leonard this month. You've heard what's hot in the world of proprietary endcap design, Mexican greenhouse growing standards, the Chicago International Produce Market, and trends in consolidation investment among restaurant management groups, and you are a better person for it. This is the reason I became a writer, probably!

Those of you who live in Chicago, northern Illinois, south Texas or the Pacific Northwest can hang around in the kind of dumps that let you put free alterna-weeklies in the lobby and hear what Sebadoh, Neko Case, Lura and/or Count Bass D had to say to me. Only one of these interviews was terribly awkward!

Finally, here's some stuff you can actually read without having to go out and find real words on paper: for some reason,, your source for brainy smut, has been giving me money to write about the movie business. I'm usually on there a couple times a day, but today's Screengrab blog is special, because not only do I, the person less qualified than anyone who ever lived to talk about finances, recommend five documentaries about the economy, but I also talk about MST3K and work in a Wu-Tang Clan reference, which should make my pal hipsterdetritus, who makes a living writing better music criticism than I have ever been capable of, pretty happy. It's the boring writer's life for me!