March 15th, 2007


Get me another one of them pit sammiches, and I'll give you some mo' murders

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, whose testimony should totally be believed even though the U.S. government admits that he has been tortured, today confessed to having masterminded the 9/11 attacks. He also confessed to having masterminded the Bali bombings, the killing of a Marine in Kuwait, the previous attack on the World Trade Center, the Richard Reid shoe-non-bombing, the beheading of Daniel Pearl, the bombing of a vacation spot in Kenya, the attack on an Israeli jet in 2002, and pretty much everything else al-Q'aeda has ever been connected with. In further news we should totally believe even though he has been held incommunicado at secret CIA prisons for the last four years, Khalid Mohammed also confessed to masterminding attacks on Heathrow airport, the Empire State Building, the New York Stock Exchange, Big Ben, the Sears Tower, and the Panama Canal, as well as assassination attempts on Pope John Paul, Pervez Musharraf, and every single living former president of the United States*. If anything, the fact that none of these things actually happened proves how totally believable his story is.

Khalid Mohammed's role in the U.S.S. Cole attack, the London subway bombing, the al-Q'aeda attacks in Spain, the assassination of JFK, the disappearance of Judge Crater, the suppression of the electric car, the Black Plague, and the Holocaust is still unclear, as are his operational ties to Chechnyan terrorists, Colombian narcotraffickers, Tamil separatists, and Martian invasion forces. But several things are now certain:

1. Guantanamo is totally awesome and everyone should shut up about it now.

2. Torture obviously gets results.

3. It's a good thing reporters are banned from these tribunals, because they probably would have just laughed at the Sheikh's outlandish claims, the bunch of commie traitors.

4. All the leftists who have been bitching about our failure to catch Osama bin-Laden can shut up now, because we have the guy who really did it so who even cares about bin-Laden anyway?

5. The timing of these astonishing revelations certainly has nothing to do with the fact that Alberto Gonzalez may be shitcanned today, right after all the journalists hit the bars, for his part in the political firings of U.S. government attorneys who failed the Bush administration's ideological test. Nothing whatsoever.

*: I know it sounds like I'm making that stuff up, but no. No.