April 2nd, 2007

stella stella can't you hear me yella

Bhorin'

Well, I had hoped to have a bunch of neat stuff to show you today, but that didn't happen for a plethora of reasons. My SxSW diary for Major Music Magazine turns out to be print-edition-only stuff, a handful of other stuff for Slightly Less Major Music Magazine won't be appearing because they're renovating their website, and Even Less Major Film Magazine doesn't go to press until the 11th. Also, I received my third book rejection of the year, which is making me feel pretty good about myself even without the sleep deprivation and the major case of the flu I think I'm developing.

Also, while I'm whining like a whiny whiner, thanks, the Chicago White Sox, for picking the year when I finally pony up for MLB.TV (which I can't use at my day job) to schedule a shitload of day games. The first game I'm actually gonna be able to see is a week after Opening Day. Good use of my funds, there.

Finally, I was gonna do a Ludic Log entry this weekend, but then I realized it would fall over April Fool's Day, my most hated of all commonly celebrated holidays*. So, look for one maybe later this week, I dunno. I'm busy with a lot of freelance stuff, so maybe not. At any rate, there is plenty of fun to be had over at Clown Central Station, and always lots of me at the Screengrab if this site is too boring for you.

*: AND NOT AT ALL BECAUSE I'M LAZY, HA HA!
is this thing on?

A BRIEF HISTORY OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION (an ongoing series)

Part 2: Religion

IG: Hey, did you see what happened to Zag last night?

MOG: That was fucked up.

YEG: Why, what happened?

NUG: You better hope it never happens to you.

YEG: What was it? I was getting my wife out from under a rock. What happened to Zag?

NUG: Judgement.

MOG: A big thing of light came out of the sky. It totally set him on fire.

NUG: Divine judgment. Of the gods.

MOG: In fact, this fire we're making lunch over? It's what's left of Zag.

YEG: I thought it looked kind of familiar.

NUG: And it'll happen again. Make no mistake.

IG: Wait, hold on, what are you talking about?

NUG: The gods. They were punishing Zag. For, uh, for being bad. For not obeying them.

MOG: I thought it was probably that.

YEG: Who are the gods?

MOG: Duh, dude. They're the, they're, uh…they punish you when you're bad. They're the ones who do that.

NUG: Remember a couple of weeks back when I said that Gur should give me that tooth-saw he wasn't even using anyway, and he didn't, and then he got the throw-up disease and we had to bury his remains away from where the wolves take a dump? They did that too.

IG: I wish there was some way to make them happy.

NUG: Well, it just so happens that I talk to them.

YEG: Talk to who? I don't even know what you're talking about.

MOG: Shhh! We're trying to listen to what we should do to make the gobs happy.

NUG: Gods.

MOG: Right.

NUG: Anyway, I talk to them sometimes. That big rumbling sound, before the light came down and burned up Zag? That was them, talking to me.

IG: How do you know how to talk to them?

MOG: Obviously, they taught him. With magic.

NUG: Exactly. And they said, we're going to burn up that guy, because, because he wasn't pleasing us. And our mightiness.

YEG: Well, great. What do we do now?

NUG: Say, how's your wife feeling?
banana

When it's springtime in South Texas, it's 115 over 40 below

Here, have a poll. I'm too zombified to think of anything else.

Poll #958796 Monday time, and the pollin' is easy

I recently learned that the Texas State Fair – the largest in the nation – is held not in Austin, but in Dallas. Is this bullshit?

TOTAL BULLSHIT
14(20.9%)
It's kinda bullshit, but who cares?
12(17.9%)
It's not bullshit at all. Why would it be bullshit?
14(20.9%)
YOU'RE bullshit.
3(4.5%)
The STATE FAIR? What are you, six?
9(13.4%)
I don't even know what you're talking about.
8(11.9%)
This poll has too much capitalization in it
1(1.5%)
I…what?
6(9.0%)

If someone were to ask you to prepare a list of your 100 favorite books, movies, or albums, could you do it?

I have already done it
6(9.0%)
Sure, I guess
18(26.9%)
I could, but I wouldn't
9(13.4%)
I dunno
3(4.5%)
I don't think so
6(9.0%)
Fuck no
5(7.5%)
Oh, the pain, the pain of it all
6(9.0%)
This better not be foreshadowing, Leonard
14(20.9%)

Which of the following names, suggested by Skullbucket readers, should I use as my new nom de plume?

Brainiac Sexworthy
12(17.4%)
Daniel Pitchfork
2(2.9%)
Bobby Lee Puncture
3(4.3%)
Burrito Jeff
7(10.1%)
Zander Afflespad
3(4.3%)
Bobo
3(4.3%)
Orion Dipplehews
5(7.2%)
Mustafa Rex
3(4.3%)
Ceasar von Christ
17(24.6%)
Cheops Sagacity Jeffersion
14(20.3%)

Check which of the following things are important to you when you are deciding whether or not to date someone.

Media-approved abs
0(0.0%)
Diversified stock portfolio
0(0.0%)
Racial purity
0(0.0%)
Size of genitals
0(0.0%)
Configuration of genitals
1(1.6%)
Absence of genitals
0(0.0%)
Preferred underpants type
2(3.1%)
Make and model of trailer home
0(0.0%)
Familiarity with best bars in Greenpoint
0(0.0%)
Ratio of arrests to convictions
0(0.0%)
Adherence to shar'ia law
1(1.6%)
Smell
8(12.5%)
Sense of smell
1(1.6%)
Dental floss brand preference
1(1.6%)
Position on designated hitter rule
2(3.1%)

What movie do you hope the future most resembles?