Let's say you live in Seattle, or elsewhere in the Pacific Northwest. And let's say this weekend, you want to hear a lot of rock critics and academics rattle on and on about bands of which you have never heard. Well, have I got fun for you! This is the weekend you should go to the EMP Pop Conference, America's most prestigious venue for obscure band on-rattling-about. Bonus fun: there will be VERY LITTLE ACTUAL MUSIC! So if you enjoy dancing about architecture, come on by. And why not stop by on Saturday the 21st to see my presentation on the nexus of cool where comics and the Wu-Tang Clan meet? I'll be there, as will hipsterdetritus, and, since we're going on at 9AM when everyone else will be asleep, and are also scheduled opposite one of the most famous rock writers in the world, no one will be in attendance. Which means GOOD SEATS FOR YOU! (If you're in Seattle, but don't wanna go to the Pop Conference, give me a shout all the same; I'm there for four days and am only actually working for half an hour.)
Say, here is even more whoring! Did you know that I have an entry up at Lawyerbear, a website about a bear who is a lawyer? Well, I do! And you can read it.
As a final note, a few of you have inexplicably expressed a certain degree of jealousy, or jalousie, over my success as a freelance writer. This is horribly misguided and wrong, and you must stop at once. Here is why:
1. I am not a successful freelance writer. As has been proven with depressing results, I cannot as yet make a living as a full-time writer, and the only reason I am doing well financially at the moment is because I've been getting lots of freelance work in addition to having a full-time job.
2. Which means that all I ever do when I'm not at work is write. It is like having two full-time jobs, in fact, and no one wants two jobs, except Johann "Two-Jobs" Jonsson, and you know what an asshole that guy is.
3. Writing involves sitting around in front of a computer. All day. Every day. All the time. All you do is read and write and research and hustle for new work and invoice people and you don't do anything that involves moving or preventing the 26 varieties of cancer and heart disease I have attained thanks to my sedentary lifestyle.
4. Here is what I did this weekend: I watched a bunch of DVDs I had to review or write about. I finished a really long presentation I have to give and which I now completely hate. I spent about six hours tracking down obscure breakbeat songs and pinpointing the exact moment, to the second, of a bunch of samples for a music article I'm doing, and believe me, if this sounds fun, it so completely is not. I had a phone interview with an organic farm association trade representative in Montreal who spoke such heavily accented English that I barely understood a word he said, and I had to transcribe the whole interview. I did a revision to a 4500-word piece that I didn't want to write in the first place. Oh, I actually did leave the house once: to interview an evangelical minister about Purity Balls.
5. If this sort of life sounds fun to you, then like me, you are clearly completely out of your mind and no one should have anything to do with you.