April 18th, 2007

time for a beatin'


Nothing is more hilariously revolting in the wake of the VA Tech massacre than seeing all the conservative shitbags crawl out of their basements to place the blame...squarely on the victims. With John Derbyshire the first to market with a "those students were all a bunch of chickenshit sissies for not taking the guy down" column, it has been left for second-rate crazy-come-latelies like the Naughty Girl to blame not only the victims for not being big screen action heroes, but liberals for turning our kids into sissy-soft suckas who perpetrate. Why aren't our schools filled with rugged he-men who bat guns out of their attackers' hands and dump them face first into garbage cans? Conservatives like to talk about the Reagan Legacy, but here's one of the legacies of the Reagan administration that doesn't get nearly enough attention: phony, ignorant tough-talk from people who have no idea what they're saying and seem to have a lot of trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality.

The governor of Virginia handed a verbal slapdown to liberals who are calling for more gun-control legislation in the wake of the massacre, saying he has nothing but contempt for people who try and politicize the death of innocents. Oddly enough, he had nothing to say about the degree of contempt he has for the people on the other side who are doing the exact same thing, and blaming the liberal nanny state for turning our kids into defenseless marshmallows. Obviously, more guns are the solution, because there is totally no way that more guns would result in more gun violence, using the super space math of the G.O.P.

Anyway, in between wanting to use my own gun to shoot some sense into these lying shitbags, I do get a few moments of amusement from the comments sections. The conspiracy-minded dullards over at Little Green Footballs, who like pretending to be tough-guy Marines almost as much as they like hating Arabs, are convinced that the fix is in: there's no way a non-Muslim could have perpetrated such a massacre, even though every other major gun-related killing spree in American history has been committed by non-Muslims. One guy piped in that the evidence just doesn't add up: the gunman, after all, was armed with a .22 and a 9mm, and neither of those guns are meant to kill! Leaving aside the obvious objection that, in fact, all guns are meant to kill -- that's what they're made for -- a lot of people would be surprised to learn that 9mm pistols are not meant to kill, including tens of thousands of police departments (9mms are the most commonly issued caliber for law enforcement, followed by .40cal), inner city gang members (who rack up a pretty impressive fatality rate using nines almost exclusively), and the United States Army, which uses the Beretta V92F 9mm as its standard-issue sidearm.

Other hilarity can be found at Hot Air, where the chair-staining macho men in comments talk about how they would surely have taken out this Korean simpleton with a well-placed slug or a timely judo chop, if only they'd been there. Further evidence of the too-much-TV syndrome can be found in the comments of dozens of posters who believe that a fat guy who took three aikido classes is a match for a man with a pistol in each hand, culminating in this bit of fun from a woman who says she's making sure this will NEVER happen to HER kids:

My Kids Take Karate....we'reabout teaching our kids to fight back...

My 2 oldest children are involved in Bushido Kai. The director is a 7th degree black belt (and the other instructors all have black belts, too)

Well then! There's certainly no chance that YOUR kids will ever be gunned down by a lunatic! Because THEY take karate! And, as has been proven again and again, the brave and capable never die. Look, folks: I'm pro-gun. I'm pro-self-defense. I'm pro-karate class, even. But you'd have to be some kind of a goddamned moron to think that martial arts classes will help you defeat armed attackers, or that your ability to fire a gun makes you invulnerable. If that were the case, no soldiers would ever be killed.

But wait! There's more!

In addition to martial arts, he teaches the kids important life skills and the importance of faith (in Christ).

Yes, whenever I think about the ancient Japanese discipline of karate, I think of how it instills in so many children the importance of faith in Christ. Kiiiiaai!

Nobody beats the biz

So, while I'm kinda down about the fact that, given its 9AM start and position opposite the biggest rock critic in America, no one will be attending my presentation this weekend at the EMP Pop Conference in Seattle, I do have an exciting announcement to make: NBC has bought my pilot! That's right: in 2008, the peacock will be airing my exciting new sit-com, Bunky Monkey, the Air Force Chimp. Casting hasn't been completed yet (I'm pulling for a minor Baldwin in the male lead), but you'll soon get to enjoy the comedic adventures of Bunky, the chimpanzee pet of Air Force Major Kenny Lawrence, who accompanies him on top-secret diplomatic and intelligence missions and accidentally creates major international incidents resulting in the death of hundreds. Nothing's set in stone yet but I'm hoping to get the highly desirable 8:30PM Satuday time slot.

Anyway, as you can see from the list below, I've already plotted out the first 22-episode season, and I'm well on my way to my ultimate goal of writing every TV sitcom cliche known to mankind into the (hopefully long!) series run of Bunky Monkey. But I'll need your help, because I haven't watched much TV since Ernie Kovacs died, and I may have missed out on a few. Here's what I've got so far:

EP. 1: "Bunky and the Wacky Neighbor"
EP. 2: "Bunky Becomes Trapped in an Elevator with Another Monkey He Doesn't Like"
EP. 3: "Bunky Makes Two Dates on the Same Night"
EP. 4: "Bunky Partially Overhears a Conversation and Jumps to Conclusions"
EP. 5: "Bunky Gets Amnesia"
EP. 6: "Bunky's Grandmother is Old But Also Really Hip and Sexy"
EP. 7: "Bunky Confronts a Bully"
EP. 8: "Bunky's Assumptions About the New Guy at Work Turn Out to Be Comically Inaccurate"
EP. 9: "A Very Bunky Christmas"
EP. 10: "Bunky Borrows Money from a Friend"
EP. 11: "Bunky Causes a Stuffy Authority Figure to Fall Into a Body of Water"
EP. 12: "Major Kenny Suffers a Series of Mishaps Which Bunky Attributes to a Curse and/or Voodoo"
EP. 13: "Bunky is Visited By a Cousin Who Has a Problem with Drinking, Porn and Mexican Brown Heroin"
EP. 14: "Bunky Can't Stop Spouting Double Entendres Around the Gay Guy at the Office"
EP. 15: "Bunky Has Lots of Reaction Shots Around a Cute Baby"
EP. 16: "Bunky Makes Vague Reference to a Current Event"
EP. 17: "Bunky Puts on a Show"
EP. 18: "Bunky Goes to His High School Reunion"
EP. 19: "Bunky Has a Clip Show"
EP. 20: "Bunky Goes to Traffic School"
EP. 21: "Bunky Learns a Valuable Lesson About Jealousy"
EP. 22: "Bunky and Another Chimp at the Office Experience Endless Unresolved Sexual Tension"

That's all I've got so far, though, and I'm going to need a lot more stock plotlines for the second season. Can you help a brother out? I'll get you free tickets to a taping, and some autographed monkey fur!