A recent comment on my LJ reminded me that there are still those who dispute my claim that Billy Joel is far and away the worst popular musician in the history of the world. I therefore intend to settle the matter once and for all, using mathematics, because as we all know, numbers do not lie.
It seems evident to me that, in terms of durability, longevity, and sheer crappiness, there are five candidates in the English-speaking world for the crown of worst popular musician in the history of the world: Phil Collins, Billy Joel, Elton John, Rod Stewart, and Sting. I thus compared their careers, using several important criteria:
- What traits most characterize their music?
- What abysmal performers have followed in their wake?
- Was there ever a time in which they seemed acceptable?
- How many of their hits could stand as candidates for the worst song in the history of the world?( Collapse )
So, as you can see, even leaving aside his butchery of great songs by Sly Stone, the Pretenders and Bob Dylan; even forgiving his utterly horrendous "classical" phase; even ignoring such non-singles horseshit as "Sleeping with the Television On" and "The Downeaster Alexa
" -- even doing all that, Billy Joel is still almost twice as bad as Phil Collins
, and is more than three times as bad as Rod Stewart, whose career is far longer. And unlike everyone else on the list, he never had even a glimmer of rock music legitimacy at which you could look back with regret. The numbers don't lie, folks: Mr. William Joel is your grand champeen of audiosuckery, now and forever.