May 7th, 2007

banana

There is absolutely nothing in this poll about "Spider-Man 3"

I swear, someday I will compile this information and use it to write a fatuous, David-Brooks-esque "what America is like today" book based on incredibly broad generalizations drawn from your poll answers...

Poll #980184 Poll of the Moon

Who "won" the Republican candidates' debate, in the sense of coming across the least like a jackass?

Rudy Giuliani
0(0.0%)
Mitt Romney
1(1.9%)
Mike Huckabee
0(0.0%)
Duncan Hunter
0(0.0%)
John McCain
0(0.0%)
Tom Tancredo
0(0.0%)
Sam Brownback
0(0.0%)
James Gilmore
0(0.0%)
Ron Paul
4(7.7%)
Tommy Thompson
0(0.0%)
Arnold Schwarzenegger
1(1.9%)
Ronald Reagan
8(15.4%)
they all sounded like jackasses to me
8(15.4%)
I have no interest in the debate
11(21.2%)
wait, they're debating already? the election is like a year and a half from now, for crissakes
19(36.5%)

What would be a good name for my new service startup, where I send representatives to your home to give you an orgasm that will fit into your busy schedule?

"Yourgasm"
18(34.0%)
"Tourgasm"
0(0.0%)
"Whoregasm"
0(0.0%)
"Come 2 Go"
10(18.9%)
"eGasm"
0(0.0%)
"Johnny On The Spot"
6(11.3%)
"Silas Q. McGetoff's"
4(7.5%)
"Leonard Pierce's Prostitution Racket"
11(20.8%)
it's funny, because this would be the first time you'd ever manage to give someone an orgasm
1(1.9%)
other (see Comments)
3(5.7%)

What sporting events held your interest this past week?

the early goings of baseball season
9(16.4%)
the NBA playoffs
2(3.6%)
the NHL playoffs
0(0.0%)
the Kentucky Derby
1(1.8%)
the De La Hoya/Mayweather fight
4(7.3%)
the early goings of soccer season
2(3.6%)
NASCAR
0(0.0%)
football, even though there is no football
1(1.8%)
I don't care about any of this crap
22(40.0%)
other (see Comments)
3(5.5%)

What is your primary delivery vector for music these days?

radio (terrestrial)
4(7.1%)
radio (satellite)
0(0.0%)
other broadcast service (internet radio, digital cable, etc.)
2(3.6%)
vinyl
1(1.8%)
cassette
0(0.0%)
compact disc
8(14.3%)
mp3
36(64.3%)
live performance
0(0.0%)
humming to myself
4(7.1%)
other (see Comments)
1(1.8%)

Tell me something you're fairly sure I don't know about you.

lex you idiot

Idiot Boksen

- I have to look at this as extremely good news. Six seasons is pushing it, but it's a lightened load (16 uninterrupted episodes as opposed to 22 staggered ones), and a definite endgame gives me more hope than I've had up to this point that the show will actually get around to giving us some answers at some point.

- An interesting conversation is taking place on the High Hat forums about where posters would rank the big 3 HBO series -- The Sopranos, Deadwood and The Wire. Inspired by the imminent end of the adventures of Tony Soprano, there's been a lot more support for than show than I'd have anticipated; having finally caught up through the fifth season, I look at it as a good show, and occasionally a great show, but aside from having set the stage for the type of complex serial drama that followed, I just don't think it's in the same class as the other two. Deadwood, for me, comes in second; its characters are probably richer than any of the other three, and at its best, it was unstoppable, but it suffers a bit from the abrupt feel of the third season, which also wasn't, except in its finest moments, on a par with the outstanding first and second seasons. Of course, I'm already on record as saying that The Wire is quite possibly the best show in the history of television, so it's no surprise that I'd put it at the top, but I'm curious as to the rest of you -- if you've seen all three, how would you rank them?

- I honestly don't even know why I got cable at my new place. I wanted to just get wireless internet, but they gave me the hi-def digital cable and the DVR-whatever-that-is upgrade for basically the cost of the internet plus fifteen bucks for a years. Sounds great, right? Except I only watch like two television shows a week. That's $7.50 a show. Not such a good deal, really. And what am I gonna do, start watching cooking shows in HDTV? What's the point? I feel like a chump.

- If you get the reference in this post's title, you win a special prize.

- American Idol's ratings are higher than ever, and with Sanjaya gone along with any chance he would beat Melinda (I don't really care that much if she loses -- although obviously I hope she wins, my real fear is that she would lose to the least talented singer in AI history), I will probably watch again next season. But these theme weeks just get lamer and lamer as the weeks drag on. I thought nothing could beat "Inspirational Songs" week for sheer crappiness, but sure enough, they followed it up with "Bon Jovi Week", and my world crumbled around me. I know they're never really going to sing GOOD songs, but do they have to be this BAD? To avoid a repeat of this dismal circumstances, I have compiled a list of possible theme weeks for next year, and invite you to add to it.

1. Jandek Week
2. Motorhead Week
3. Industrial Music Week
4. GG Allin & the Scumfucs Week
5. J-Pop Week (contestants all sing theme songs from anime series) or J-Noise week (with host Yamantaka Eye)
6. Megaphone Crooner Week ("Thank you!")
7. Gangsta Rap Week
8. Gregorian Chant Week/Madrigal Week
9. Diamanda Galas Week
10. Gilbert & Sullivan Week

Seriously, wouldn't you love to hear Blake beatbox to "For He's Gone to Marry Yum-Yum", or hear Willie D. tell Jordin she's really got to find the heart of "Mind of a Lunatic"?
on a steel horse I ride

Knock 'em out the box, Rick

I like to think I offer a wide range of posts for your reading enjoyment around here. There's meaningless polls, boring minutiae about my daily life, insufferable whining about how I am a big loser, impotent fist-shaking at successful conservatives, geek-outs about comic books and baseball, and, once every nine weeks or so, something funny. These are just a few of the many crappy things I post on my "Live Journal". But sometimes, I will occupy myself with PRACTICAL LIFE KNOWLEDGE.

PRACTICAL LIFE KNOWLEDGE is stuff that you really have to know in order to make your way in the world, essential pieces of wisdom, instruction, or knowledge that everyone should be able to call up on a moment's notice. For example: no one should go through life without knowing -- and, indeed, being able to perform on a moment's notice -- the lyrics to Slick Rick's classic rap song, "A Children's Story".

Ready?

"Uncle Ricky? Would you read us a bedtime story, please, huh, please?"

Okay. You kids get to bed, I'll get the storybook.

"Oh boy!"

You all tucked in?

"Yeah."

Then here we go!
Once upon a time not long ago,
When people wore pajamas and lived life slow,
When laws were stern and justice stood
And people were behavin' like they ought to should,
There lived a little boy who was misled
By another little boy, and this is what he said:
Me and you, Ty, we're gonna make some cash
Robbin' old folks and makin' the dash.

They did the job; money came with ease
But one couldn't stop -- it's like he had a disease!
He robbed another and another and a sister and a brother
Tried to rob a man who was a DT undercover.
The cop grabbed his arm; he started actin' erractic
He said Keep still, boy; no need for static.
Punched him in the belly and he gave him a slap
But little did he know the little boy was strapped!
The kid pulled out a gun and said Why'd you hit me?!?
The barrell was set straight for the cop's kidney.
The cop got scared; the kid, he starts to figure
I'll do years if I pull this trigger!
So he cold dashed and ran around the block;
The cop radioed in to another lady cop.
He ran around by a tree and there he saw the sister
She shot for the head; he shot back, but he missed her.
Looked 'round good and from expectations
He decided he would head for the subway stations
But (what?) she was comin' and he made a left
He was runnin' top speed 'til he was out of breath
Knocked an old man down and swore he killed him (sorry!)
Then he made his move to an abandoned building
Ran up the stairs up to the top floor
Opened up the door there -- guess who he saw? (Who?)
Dave the Dope Field, shootin' dope
Who don't know the meaning of water or soap
He said I need bullets! Hurry up, run!
The dope fiend pulled back a spankin' shotgun.
He went outside but there was cops all over
So he dipped into a car -- a stolen Nova
He raced up the block doin 83
And crashed into a tree near the university
Escaped alive, though the car was tattered
Rattatattatta'd and all the cops scattered
Ran out of bullets and he still had static
Grabbed a pregnant lady and pulled out the automatic
Pointed at her head and said the gun was full of lead
He told the cops Back off, or honey here's dead.
Deep in his heart, he knew it was wrong
So he let the lady go and he starts to run on
Sirens sounded -- he seemed astounded!
Before long the little boy got surrounded.
He dropped his gun and so went the story
And this is the way I have to end this story:
He was only one teen in a madman's dream
The cops shot the kid -- I still hear him scream.
This ain't funny, so don't you dare laugh
Just another case about the wrong path
Straight and narrow, or your soul gets cast.

Good night!


and NOW YOU KNOW. Go, and do likewise.