May 15th, 2007

it's magic

TFIAQ

Welcome to the Central Conglomerated Tree Frog Association's Infrequently Asked Questions page! Remember: your tree frog is both a joy and a responsibility, and there's no reason you should be denied the knowledge you need to bring it up in a loving environment just because everyone tells you your questions are stupid. Let's get started!

My tree frog keeps shedding/scratching the furniture. What should I do?

All known species of tree frog are hairless and do not possess claws. Very likely what you have there is a cat, or possibly a ferret. Please consult the FAQ at our sister site, the Central Conglomerated Cat Or Possibly Ferret Association.

I have a spring peeper, and I enjoy it very much. However, I object vociferously to its scientific name, pseudacris crucifer, which is totally gay. I don't even like Psuedacris; his music is obscene and unpleasant, and I don't know why they would name a tree frog after him. Can you please arrange for this name to be done away with?

First of all, there is no such musician as Pseudacris. You are thinking of Ludacris, an opinion about whom you are totally entitled to, but please do not let it color your relationship toward your spring peeper. Second, the process of appeals under the International Code of Zoological Nomenclature can be long and arduous; while your request is under review, why not switch to the spring peeper's alternate name, hyla crucifer? Finally, keep in mind things could be much worse: in the Martha's Vineyard area, spring peepers are known as "pinkletinks". Talk about gay.

My tree frog makes irritating chirping noises. Should I crush it to death in my mighty hands?

Absolutely not.

But Sawyer did it on Lost.

If Sawyer jumped off a building, would you do that too? Sawyer is a figure of great moral ambiguity and his actions should always be carefully considered prior to emulation, most especially those involving tree frogs.

I had a dream, and now I am convinced that there is a colony of tree frogs living in my recliner. What should I do?

The process of dreaming is poorly understood even by today's sophisticated scientific standards, and information gained through it should always be given strictly rational interpretation. The natural habitat of all species of tree frog -- even the Stoney Creek frog -- is never the inside of a reclining chair, and while it is remotely possible that a single tree frog, or even more remotely, a pair, has somehow infiltrated your La-Z-Boy, we suggest not taking a dream as the final authority on the matter but rather switching to other methods of confirmation such as looking. If it turns out you are right, you should come to a mutually agreeable condition of recliner-sharing with the tree frog colony; please refer to the Central Conglomerated Tree Frog Association's pamphlet #24, "So There Are Tree Frogs Infesting Your Furniture: Marxist Theories of the Fetishism of the Commodity".

My Japanese tree frog keeps urging me to kill. Should I?

There are only three explanations for a disembodied voice exhorting you to murder: schizophrenia, demonic possession, and schizophrenic, demon-possessed tree frogs. We are assuming that you have ruled out the first two possibilities. The bad news for you is that no force on Earth can defy or resist the might of a deranged, Hell-driven tree frog; the good news is, there has never once been a reported case of demonic possession/schizophrenia in a Japanese tree frog. The phenomenon has only been reported in mantidactylus fimbriatus, a rare species of tree frog found only in Madagascar. Before murdering anyone, consider exorcism or chlorpromazine, and consult with a qualified frog biologist.

Why for tree frog? Where??!? WHY

We're not sure what your questions mean, but thank you for your interest in tree frogs. Perhaps the answers lie in the enclosed pamphlet, NOW ALL OF THE SUDDEN THERE ARE TREE FROGS!, which we urge you to accept with our compliments.
hit the road sucker

Well, great

Who's going to help America find its moral center now that there's no longer a lying, crooked, blackmailing, anti-intellectual, censorious, fake-doctorate-holding, libelous, gay-bashing, tax-cheating, fraudulent, debt-ridden, doomsaying, anti-Semitic, self-aggrandizing, racist, theocratic son of a bootlegger to do it for us?