May 25th, 2007

life of the mind

Warning: this post contains dozens of occurences of the words "Leonard", "big" and "cock".

Okay, so we've covered eternal verities and utopias. Now, on to logical fallacies! Here's a run-down of some of my favorites. For ease of use and consistency, I have molded them all around the classic syllogism:

Leonard has a big cock.
People with big cocks should be rewarded.
Therefore, give Leonard a present.

Let's begin!

1. BLACK AND WHITE FALLACY ("Leonard either has a big cock, or he is a bad person.")

2. FALLACY OF ARGUMENTUM BACULINUM ("If you do not give Leonard a present, he will club you with his big cock.")

3. FALLACY OF ARGUMENTUM AD HOMINEM ("Leonard says he has a big cock, but he is a pathological liar.")

4. FALLACY OF ARGUMENTUM AD IGNORANTIAM ("In the absence of evidence to the contrary, we must assume that Leonard has the biggest cock in the whole world.")

5. FALLACY OF ARGUMENTUM AD MISERICORDIAM ("Maybe Leonard does not have the biggest cock in the world, but you should give him a present anyway, because he is sad and lonely.")

6. FALLACY OF ARGUMENTUM AD PERSONAM ("If you give Leonard a present for having a big cock, maybe someone will give you a present too!")

7. FALLACY OF ARGUMENTUM AD POPULAM ("Everybody knows that Leonard has a big cock.")

8. FALLACY OF ARGUMENUM AD VERECUNDIAM ("I believe Leonard when he says he has a big cock, because he is a three-time recipient of the prestigious American Milk Solids Council Prize for Dairy Cleverness.")

9. FALLACY OF ACCENT ("Leonard? Big cock.")

10. FALLACY OF THE COMPLEX QUESTION ("Why do you hate America so much that you won't help us celebrate Leonard's big cock?")

11. FALLACY OF COMPOSITION ("Here is a picture of Leonard in a group of men who have big cocks. Leonard, therefore, must have a big cock.")

12. FALLACY OF CONSENSUS GENTUM ("All cultures have legends that tell of the coming of a fat, unpleasant geek who shall be called Leonard.")

13. FALLACY OF A DICTO SECUNDUM QUID AD DICTUM SIMPLICITER ("In the porn industry, men with big cocks are rewarded. Therefore, Leonard should be rewarded.")

14. FALLACY OF NONCAUSA PRO CAUSA ("Leonard's big cock made the stock market go up.")

15. FALLACY OF POST HOC ERGO PROPTER HUC ("Leonard first noticed his big cock around age 14. At age 15, he won the Illinois Lottery. Therefore, his big cock caused the lottery win.")

16. FALLACY OF IGNORATIO ELENCHI ("America has always supported the enterprenuerial spirit of the rugged individualist. We should therefore give Leonard ten dollars for his big cock.")

17. FALLACY OF THE RED HERRING ("You don't believe Leonard should be rewarded for his big cock, and yet you support affirmative action.")

18. FALLACY OF THE STRAW MAN ("Your comprehensive 638-page report alleging to prove that Leonard does not have a big cock was proofread by a company partially owned by Halliburton!")

19. FALLACY OF TU QUOQUE ("You say that you don't think Leonard should receive a yearly stipend for having a big cock, and yet you receive monthly grants from the Greater Ass Association.")

20. FALLACY OF UNQUALIFIED SOURCE ("I have it on the authority of this usenet group that Leonard's cock is twice as big as Rasputin's and as big around as a coffee can.")

21. GAMBLER'S FALLACY ("I know Leonard has lied about having a big cock thirty-seven times in a row, but this time he's sure to be telling the truth!")

22. PRAGMATIC FALLACY ("We should all just accept that Leonard has a big cock, because without it, our society would collapse into social anarchy.")

23. FALLACY OF BEGGING THE QUESTION ("It is a truism that bigger is better. Leonard's cock is bigger than any other cock. Therefore, Leonard is the greatest person the world has ever known."

24. FALLACY OF SPECIAL PLEADING ("It is usually obnoxious and repugnant when people who brag about the size of their dicks, but when Leonard does it, it's cute.")

What are some of your favorite logical fallacies? If you use them in an example involving my cock, God will save you a place at the heavenly table.