May 29th, 2007

party time

The good, the bad, and the weekend

So I'm back at my day job (I had two straggler freelance pieces to finish over the weekend, but they wrapped up pretty quickly, so it's been cool breeze most of the way) after a four-day weekend. In addition to Monday's Memorial Day holiday, we got Friday off, because it was National Geographic Society Founder's Day.

"Wait a minute," I can hear a depressingly large percentage of you pedants saying. "The National Geographic Society was founded on January 27, 1888, not May 25! What's the ding-dong deal?" Well, Mr. Critic, it just so happens that in 1988, newly elected NGS chairman Gilbert M. Grosvenor officially moved Founder's Day to the Friday before Memorial Day, as a gesture of appreciation to all the hard-working employees whose efforts made the organization so successful. So eat me.

And now, what happened.

ACTIVITY: Sleeping for 12 hours on Thursday night.
CULMINATION:: Waking up on Friday morning, looking at a clock, and going "Holy shit, it's 12:30".
JUDGMENT: Fucking awesome. How I wish I could do this every day.

ACTIVITY: Making the best beef Stroganoff ever prepared on Friday night.
CULMINATION:: Eating every last bit of it by Sunday afternoon.
JUDGMENT: Fantastic. I'm still a congealing sack of fat, but I feel much better about being able to cook and eat decent food now that I have a properly equipped kitchen.

ACTIVITY: Playing video games for gigantic chunks of the weekend.
CULMINATION:: Definitively proving once and for all that it is possible to do just as well by randomly mashing buttons on the controller as by actually learning all the complicated moves.
JUDGMENT: Willamette, CO gots a whole lot less motherfuckin' zombies in it than it useded to.

ACTIVITY: Writing down a list of weekend goals and actually accomplishing all of them.
CULMINATION:: Whoops, except for the one about doing laundry.
JUDGMENT: I prioritize in reverse order of importance, apparently.

ACTIVITY: Deciding to go outside and enjoy some fresh air because four days is an awfully long time to stay indoors.
CULMINATION:: Going to a shopping mall and (a) encountering a whole bunch of really stupid and annoying people, after which (b) my car broke down and I couldn't get home because (c) the mall cops refused to give me a jump or let me use their cell phone which I needed to do because (d) naturally I forgot to take mine the one time I actually left the apartment so (e) I had to borrow a stranger's cell phone to call AAA and (f) the truck came out to give me a tow only it turned out my fuel pump had just gotten knocked out of place somehow and the AAA guy fixed it by (g) knocking it back into place with his bare hands which (h) is totally bad-ass.
JUDGMENT: That's what I get for leaving the house.

ACTIVITY: Drinking.
CULMINATION:: Drinking a lot.
JUDGMENT: See future installments of Draining the Glass, which you should totally be reading, if not contributing to.

ACTIVITY: Finishing all my current freelance writing work so I could start a new personal project.
CULMINATION:: Getting five pages into it, then deciding that it was well-structured, engaging and pretty funny so far, and thus deserving of my continued attention, however temporary and despite some serious doubts about the epigraph.
JUDGMENT: We'll see how long it takes me to get bored or restless.

And how was your four-day weekend or fragment thereof?
hear ye hear ye

(no subject)

1. The following languages are hereby abolished, or demoted to the status of "made up": Catalan, Korean, Dutch, Icelandic and Pashtun.

2. The word "grandbaby" shall not be used.

3. Driving under the speed limit shall be subject to fine, rated against the current per-mile charge established by the appropriate municipal department for taxicabs.

4. Marginalizing risk through underwriting by tax revenue while privatizing gain shall be punishable by caning. The caning will be delivered by NFL linemen of South Pacific Islander origin and televised with your host, Rodney Allen Rippy.

5. That thing where you say that people should listen to your argument even though you do not in fact adhere to its premises yourself? I should be allowed to do that. But just me.

6. Short people are to be officially designated as having no reason to live. All short people failing to produce documentation establishing a reason to live by end of business day, March 29, 2008 will be deported to the steppes of Central Asia, where they will be encouraged to become sheep.

7. Everyone involved in the production of a book I saw this weekend about how to knit your own lingerie is to be hunted for sport.

8. In an unprecedented, one-time-only "Lifetime Acheivement Award" move, Major League Baseball is to add 20 wins to the Chicago White Sox' total.

9. Special fines are to be levied against anyone with more than five records in which a string quartet covers songs by a pop combo; anyone calling their band "the _______ Brothers" when they are not actually brothers; and anyone who cannot explain what they do for a living withough using the word "choices".

10. Indiana is to be merged with Ohio and renamed "Lesser Ohio". The New England states are to be unified and actually called "New England", until such time as I visit them and am able to tell them apart. The Texas panhandle is to be donated to Goodwill.
on a steel horse I ride

Hate polls? Hat polls!

Voting is closed, and the results are in. Some perennial contenders like the mortarboard and the Coolie hat were shown an early exit, and hot newcomers like the budenovka and the shtreimel are making themselves heard. The first round is of the Funny Hat tournament is over, we saw some dominant favorites and some surprising upsets, and now the field is narrowed by half.

Once again, do not vote on your favorite hat, or the cutest hat, or the hat with the photo you like most, or the hat with the funniest name. Vote for the funniest hat. You are helping untold future generations of mankind to know exactly what to wear on their heads when they want a big laugh, and I expect you to take that responsibility seriously.

As before, if you don't know what some of these hats look like, I have included a photographic guide Collapse ).

ROUND 2 IS GO! Make me proud!

Poll #993438 Hatpoll, Round 2

Which is funnier?


Which is funnier?

toque blanche
tricorner hat

Which is funnier?

energy dome

Which is funnier?

top hat
garrison cap

Which is funnier?

porkpie hat
fruit hat

Which is funnier?


Which is funnier?

coonskin cap

Which is funnier?


Which is funnier?


Which is funnier?

Rasta tam

Which is funnier?


Which is funnier?


Which is funnier?

stovepipe hat

Which is funnier?

Beefeater's hat

Which is funnier?

fishing hat

Which is funnier?

bucket hat

I still can't believe that stupid Gilligan hat beat the boater. I really lost a bundle on that one.