June 11th, 2007



So, as you probably know if you have been reading this journal for the last week, I want to go to CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference) in Washington, DC next year, so I can poke the wingnuts and get drunk and abusive at a bunch of horrible right-wing reprobates. And I want to do it on your nickel, because I am cheap.

However, I am not entirely without a conscience, and, deciding that fund-raising for this ridiculous activity might be easier if I offered some kind of merch, I set about to design a bunch of t-shirts and other assorted mercantilia you could buy to help subsidize my trip. My idea was this: I would download a bunch of hi-res images of Republican talking heads, convert them to classy black & white, and superimpose on their smug faces a snazzily designed paraphrase of some of their more famous opinions. For example, inspired by dammittim, there was one of Dennis Prager, with the legend "MY SON HAS A BLACK FRIEND"; there was William F. Buckley, advising that "WE SHOULD TATTOO HOMOS ON THE BUTT"; and there was the hulking phiz of the world's dumbest man, Sean Hannity, asking "WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?". These would have been available as sporty t-shirts, sexy camisoles, delightful refrigerator magnets, and even an attractive set of ceramic coasters. I even kinda taught myself PhotoShop to do this, is how much I care about you getting some bang for your buck out of this misadventure.

And then this morning, after I had worked on this nonsense for huge chunks of my weekend, Café Press wrote to inform me that the images had all been removed, as they do not allow the use of photographic images of public figures on their site. WELL THAT'S JUST GREAT. Anyway, I still want to go to CPAC, and I still want you to sent me. We're nearly a third of the way there, folks! Your generosity has been astonishing and appreciated, so tell your friends, and keep it coming. Remember, there are premiums!

Send me to CPAC!

flavored with age

Harnessed Ephemera

1. Due to 'scheduling issues', which is a polite phrase for 'Leonard being a lazy motherfucker', the next issue of the High Hat has been delayed. All of you who are awaiting word on pitches you've made, you'll get it (and deadline info) this week; and if you'd like to pitch to this amazing magazine but you never have before, please think about doing so now: highhatsubmissions at gmail dot com.

2. The weekend: uneventful as always. Finished reading a decent novel and am starting a good one; got a huge pile of DVDs from DeepDiscount.com's annual megasale, which kept me recliner-bound for hours. Got some housework done, helped out my mom with some stuff, and picked up a few small freelance gigs, but didn't do as much work on my novel as I hoped, and slept waaaaaaay too much on Saturday. My health is all over the place lately, but I don't have any insurance, so HA HA HA, welcome imminent death. Depending on the disposition of some projects, I may have a free weekend coming up, and hopefully I'll be able to get some shit done like I need to.

3. "Crudulak". This is a new curse word I have invented for use when describing things that are annoying in an Eastern European sort of way, or when describing things in an Eastern European sort of way that are annoying. It is royalty-free.

4. In my alternate identity as Dr. Horace Shit, I am a lowly paid and highly experienced music writer. I am also that thing in my normal identity as Leonard Pierce. In fact, next month -- July 2007 -- will be the 20th anniversary of my first paid writing gig, which was, of course, a music review. So, ask me anything about music. You are getting a sound professional opinion here, and I will only make things up if they are funny.

5. Idea for a sitcom pitch: Airplane Hangar Hospital. This is a contemporary, hip medical drama, featuring an ethnically diverse cast of attractive, nubile, sexually active young doctors, nurses, administrators, patients, and insurance company representatives. They engage in witty badinage and torrid love affairs when not taking part in life-or-death struggles on the operating table. Unfortunately, the hospital at which they work, despite its popularity with patients due to its hip design and hotcha staff, was built by a band of traveling hobos with no medical training whatsoever, and is located in an abandoned airplane hangar. Thus, once an episode, someone recites a variant of "I'd love to be able to help you, Mr. Halloran, but this hospital is in an airplane hangar!" A surefire summer-replacement hit.

Monday Polls: A Return to Normality

Go, and do likewise.

Poll #1001131 Aren't you glad that goddamn hat poll is over?

What "Law & Order" star would you vote for as president over Fred Dalton Thompson?

S. Epatha Merkerson
Sam Waterston
Jerry Orbach
Steven Hill
Jesse L. Martin
Leslie Hendrix
Chris Noth
Benjamin Bratt
Michael Moriarty
Angie Harmon
Elisabeth Rohm
other (see Comments)

Which phrase best describes your feelings about the results of the Funny Hat polls?

I am outraged
I am mildly disappointed
I have no feelings about it one way or another
I think it was okay
I couldn't be more pleased
I don't care
I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about
I have a hair in my throat
I could barely contain the urge to tell you about all the funny hats you

What surprised you the most about last night's series finale of "The Sopranos"?

the Russian finally coming back and shooting everyone in the face
Livia turning out to be a schizophrenic Tony in drag
Big Pussy coming back from the dead as a wisecracking zombie
HBO underfunding it so much that Chase ran out of film towards the end and had to show us five minutes of blank screen
How they had this amazing chance to say thank you to all the loyal devoted fans of the show and instead they made us listen to Journey
the whole series taking place inside Tommy Westphall's snow globe
It still isn't as good as "The Wire"

What is the worst day of the week?

other (see Comments)
what? other? other than the seven actual days of the week? what the fuck, let's see where THAT goes.

What is one of the most overrated moves you've ever seen? What is one of the most underrated?