June 25th, 2007

holiday

What I done did this week's end

1. solipsiae and _sydlexic_ didn't come down this weekend because I am a bad person, so I ended up cleaning my apartment for nothing. But as it happens, I had an extra twenty grand lying around, so I bought a RealDoll and showed it how I cleaned the toilet and everything. I think it was impressed, and if all goes well, in a couple of months, I'm going to ask it out on a date.

2. Saturday I drove up to Austin to donate my PlayStation to scottvond, just in time for my Xbox to stop working. He thanked me for my generous gift by beating the living shit out of me at MLB '06, where his Red Sox beat my White Sox by a score of something like 25-10. Coincidentally, that's the exact margin by which the REAL White Sox have been losing lately.

3. That night, we headed over to the Carousel to see Parks and Wildlife, a fine rock 'n' roll combo fronted by good friend thehighhat. They rocked the funky beat with not one but both hands, and are the first band I know of since the Eggs to sport both a Moog and a trumpet. Also I drank some beers.

4. I ended up hanging around with another friend of mine in Austin, post-show. She inexplicably does not have a Livejournal, but she does have a liquor cabinet, and that's a pretty good substitute in my estimation. It is possible that we did something or went somewhere or at one point fell asleep or passed out, but honestly, after a certain amount of bourbon, I can't be considered a reliable witness of things I was doing.

5. Sunday morning-ish I headed back to tasteful San Antonio, where I intended to get a lot of writing done. Which I did, if you consider falling asleep in the recliner while watching baseball getting a lot of writing done. I don't. That goddamn recliner will be the death of me, I mean it; I'd never realized until now that the reason I never took naps is because I never had an appropriate nap-taking platform.

Anyway, I got a decent freelance gig this morning, and tonight is all about soldiering on in the writerly trenches. This week also begins Project Actually Get Some Real Writing Done, wherein I try to finish a book and work on a script and turn in a couple of long-overdue pages of funny, as well as Project Summertime, wherein I attempt to not spend the entire period from May until September cooped up in my apartment in front of a screen of some sort. I have no idea if fun can actually be had in this city; it may be an impossibility. But God damn it, I'm going to find out.
banana

I'll show them! I'll show them all!

With a terrifying, effective INTERNET POLL! Ho ho hee!

Poll #1009668 Revenge Poll

Which of the following options is correct?

The 1970s were a decade consisting of the years 1970 through 1979.
46(68.7%)
The 1970s were a decade consisting of the years 1971 through 1980.
11(16.4%)
I need more information.
2(3.0%)
Either of these could be correct.
6(9.0%)
Don't know/no opinion
2(3.0%)

Which of the following options is correct?

He listed several aliases, including "Roger".
14(21.2%)
He listed several aliases, including "Roger."
43(65.2%)
I need more information.
2(3.0%)
Either of these could be correct.
7(10.6%)
Don't know/no opinion
0(0.0%)

Of what is the word "ain't" a contraction?

"is not"
11(16.7%)
"are not"
4(6.1%)
Other (see Comments)
11(16.7%)
It is not a contraction of any particular words, but a word in and of itself
31(47.0%)
It is not a word
9(13.6%)

Without cheating -- no reference, no Google, no Wikipedia -- identify the seven original members of the Justice League of America.

Aquaman
0(0.0%)
The Atom
0(0.0%)
Batman
0(0.0%)
Black Canary
1(1.7%)
The Flash
0(0.0%)
Green Arrow
0(0.0%)
Green Lantern
0(0.0%)
Hawkman
0(0.0%)
Hawkwoman
0(0.0%)
Martian Manhunter
0(0.0%)
Red Tornado
0(0.0%)
Robin
0(0.0%)
Superman
0(0.0%)
Wonder Woman
0(0.0%)
Zatanna
0(0.0%)

Bust a rap couplet containing a grammar pet peeve or a Justice League reference. Or both.

it says here...

And now it's time for another exciting installment of OPEN LETTERS!

Dear my employer,

I greatly enjoy working for this company, and I understand that I am not as well-versed in the editorial style that you have certified as best suited to serve the needs of the ELL high school students at whom the current project is directed. However, I cannot imagine any circumstance under which sentence fragments should be permitted in the text, and the headline "Learn Comprehension: Learn Comprehension" contains at least two words too many.

editorially yours,
Leonard

***

Dear porn-spam solicitor,

Despite your apparent belief to the contrary, "SWEET TEEN GIRL TAKES IN 8 DICKS AT ONCE -- YOU WILL BE DELIGHTED" is not an enticing subject line to me. "Delighted" is about as far from my likely reaction to seeing such a thing as can be imagined.

I am, however, somewhat intrigued by the logistics of the set-up. Assuming that, despite her sweet teen status, she can fit two dicks each into her anus, vagina and mouth, that still leaves open the question of where the other two go. My guess is one in each hand, because the alternatives -- in the ears? the nostrils? is she a stigmatic? -- are too horrible to contemplate.

Let it be known that I still have no intention of clicking on your link. However, you will surely be interested to know that you have hit upon a sort of 'magic number' of gross pornography that slightly piqued my interest. If you'd added just one more dick, you might have received some special prize in mathematics.

In frank amazement,
Leonard

***

Dear woman ahead of me in line at Subway,

Your expression of happy surprise at learning that this Subway location sells personal pizzas was enjoyable; you were so excited that I was temporarily blinded (or whatever the olfactory equivalent of blindness is) to the fact that I have rarely encountered a white woman wearing so much Jheri-curl activator juice. And your selection of bacon, spinach and pineapple as toppings certainly covered all the bases, flavorwise.

However, your sudden mood-shift from ecstatic over the availability of personal pizzas to angry over the unavailability of bread sticks spoke of a yearning need no fast food product can address. Please stop yelling at the underpaid counter help and begin yelling at your psychiatrist and/or pharmacist.

yours in Christ,
Leonard