July 2nd, 2007

banana

By the numbers Monday polling

By the way, one of the right-wing blogs this weekend was tooth-grinding over the claim that it was no coincidence that this weekend's attempted terror attacks in England came so close to the Fourth of July.

In England.

Poll #1013996 Polling in the name of

What are your feelings on the use of the word "pussy" to describe someone weak or ineffectual?

I'm fer it
19(28.4%)
I'm agin it
23(34.3%)
I got no feelins one way or t'other
16(23.9%)
My feelings on this issue are complex and require further explanation
9(13.4%)
This is the first I heard of it
0(0.0%)

The Fourth of July is on a Wednesday this year.

Bullshit
9(13.8%)
Total bullshit
10(15.4%)
Total fucking bullshit rip-off
25(38.5%)
God bless America
13(20.0%)
What do I care? I'm not from your country.
8(12.3%)

Which of the following skills do you possess?

I can plow
0(0.0%)
I can sew
0(0.0%)
I can cook
11(17.5%)
I can repair a car
0(0.0%)
I can start a fire
0(0.0%)
I can build a drywall
0(0.0%)
I can breathe underwater
0(0.0%)
I can shoe a horse
0(0.0%)
I know first aid
2(3.2%)
I can navigate by the stars
0(0.0%)
I have heat vision
0(0.0%)
I know masonry
0(0.0%)
I know Freemasonry
0(0.0%)
I glow in the dark
0(0.0%)
I can withstand a brutal beating
0(0.0%)

Which unnervingly common internet fetish do you find most inexplicable?

Giantesses
1(1.5%)
Women wearing glasses
0(0.0%)
Women smoking
3(4.5%)
Foot fetishry
3(4.5%)
Furries or plushies or otherkyn or whatever the fuck they're called
31(46.3%)
Women with food smeared on them
10(14.9%)
Camgirls
1(1.5%)
Women wrapped in clingfilm
1(1.5%)
Roy Orbison wrapped in clingfilm
15(22.4%)
other (see Comments)
2(3.0%)

Combine two genres that have heretofore gone uncombined.

blowhard

It takes a special kind of genius to write this badly

If I really cared, I would rank Jonah Goldberg higher.

For years now, my fellow conservative-laugh-atters have placed this well-born Star Trek geek turned professional blowhard as the pinnacle of right-wing obnoxiousness. It's an opinion I never fully got behind; loathsome as the Doughy Pantload was, he never really seemed like his heart was fully in it; if he was the son of anyone other than Mama Lucienne, he'd be holed up in a basement rank with long-eaten Taco Bell vapors and arguing with people on the internet over the limits of Odo's shapechanging ability, not the limits of constitutional authority. Sure, he was bad, but Ann Coulter was meaner, Sean Hannity was dumber, Hugh Hewitt was more repulsive, Dennis Prager was more arrogant, Michelle Malkin was more hypocritical.

Nowadays, with the pressure on him to finish the book (Liberal Fascism, which has a big smiley face icon sporting a Hitler mustache on the cover) he promised would be done over two years ago, Jonah is getting cranky, like a big fat toddler who's been out in the sun for too long and needs to go down for a nap. About, oh, six months ago, a bunch of weisenheimers in the liberal blogosphere had a rum go at Jolly Jonah over his complete lack of progress on a book which was, at that point, merely two years overdue; he reacted as defensively as would any other employee who got busted playing Tetris when his project was way overdue. This book will be nothing like anyone has ever seen, he said at the time of the book which is already like dozens of books I have ever seen with the sole exception of not being finished yet. You'll see, said Jonah. This book is like nothing else you've ever read – nothing you've heard about it, not even the publisher's description (in other words, the précis of the book provided by Jonah himself) adequately describe this masterwork.

Well, today it was announced that Jonah has officially made some headway in the completion of his weighty tome: after two and a half years, he has managed to rewrite the subtitle. It is now no longer "The Totalitarian Temptation from Mussolini to Hillary Clinton"; no doubt based on the twin motivations of wanting to seem like an intellectual and having had to wait in line a long time to buy his wife some organic cranberry muffins, it is now "The Totalitarian Temptation from Hegel to Whole Foods". The Pantload explains that he went with the natural foods supermarket after discovering a major similarity between liberals and Nazis: many member of both groups were vegetarians and wanted to cure cancer! Well, that's the sort of thinking that leads inevitably to six million dead Jews. As for the Hegel part, his ability to tackle one of the most difficult philosophers in history is slightly questionable, given that when he was allegedly writing a section on Herbert Spencer, he quizzed his blog readers to summarize the man's thinking for him so he didn't have to read any of it himself.

Don't you wish your job was this easy?