July 16th, 2007

i'm driving!

Weakened

Friday I drove to Austin, because that's what I do when I want to have fun. I drive to Austin. Here there is no fun, only toil and loneliness, like in Soviet-era Eastern Europe. The trip began with almost comically exaggerated misadventures -- heavy traffic, crappy food, bad directions, discourteous drivers, brushes with the po-po -- until I began to suspect I was in a Ziggy cartoon. Fortunately, I eventually arrived at the home of thehighhat, and off we went to a place where we could drink alcoholic bevvies. That made everything better.

LIQUOR I DRANK THIS WEEKEND: Ace pear cider (4 bottles), cuba libre (1), mead (1/2 bottle), Southern Comfort (4 glasses), unidentified beer (1 bottle), funky cold medina.

I stayed with a friend in Austin whose house is located at the nexus of 82 major freeways, and I went back and forth to her place about 16 times over the course of the weekend and I got lost every time. She gave me the wrong key to her door, her toilet stopped up and overflowed while I was there, her internet access was down, her bed was like sleeping on a marble slab, and her house was swarming with crickets. Other than that, though, I greatly enjoyed Our American Cousin.

thehighhat was a gracious host, as always, and given the sort of amazing wife and kid he's got, I am always amazed he lets a shitbag like me in his house. Also, he grills a mean weenie. Guitar Hero II playing style:: flashy.

Gary Mairs is one of the better people I know, and his wife Kathy is awesome and he has the most adorable kid in the world. He gave me a copy of his film, which I plan to bootleg extensively on the Asian market. Guitar Hero II playing style:: Straightforward. (Gary actually had to be won over to the awesome fun that is GH2, but once he was, he was hard to stop. He also brought to my attention an article in the New York Times about NYC-based GH2 karaoke clubs, a mere day after I had mentioned them to him, proving that even I, a fat, ill-informed lout in South Texas, am more culturally astute than the NYT style section.

scottvond is always fun to hang out with, and, adding to my movie booty this weekend, vouchsafewd me a screener copy of Genius Club, a film which posits the fantastic notion that Stephen Baldwin is capable of portraying the smartest man in the world. I also learned that Scott and I will be in Chicago at the same time, making my upcoming trip there all the more funnerer. Guitar Hero II playing style:: failure-prone.

oilyrags is the devil. He was kind enough to draw for me a very cool picture of Jack Risk, but I didn't pick it back up, because my phone ran out of juice and I didn't know he had left me a message until late last night. B'oh. Luckily I will be in town again soon. Guitar Hero II playing style:: focused.

Finally, I was able to locate and purchase one of those crazy pillows that claim to relieve sleep apnea -- not the kind where you sleep face down, but a new kind where you lace your arm through a strap, and the pillow positions your head in such a way that your jaw tilts slightly forward, thus removing the blockage when you sleep. I can't say for sure if it worked, not being able to hear myself sleep, but despite being awkward and oddly shaped and expensive, it definitely helped me stay on my side, and breathe more freely when I was still awake. For some reason I want to avoid death a while longer, so I guess I'll keep using it, though getting a pillowcase that will fit this malformed doohickey will be like fitting the Elephant Man for a stocking cap.
funny ha ha

Comedic Excuses #2048

Last night I had a dream (and you were in it, and I was in it with you). In this dream, I was performing the second set of a pair of stand-up comedy acts at a local nightclub, and here is how I introduced the second set to the crowd:

"Hi, everyone, thanks very much. I'm Leonard Pierce, which I'd appreciate you not mentioning again; this, as you heard, is my second set of the evening. I don't plan on being any funnier this time around, but I do expect you to laugh a lot more."

Which I have to admit is pretty much exactly what I would say in that situation.
banana

This poll wants to say something about your mother

And there's only one way to stop it.

Poll #1022370 Mocking the different: possibly America's favorite fun game

What's funniest?

obesity
4(6.8%)
albinism
4(6.8%)
kyphosis
0(0.0%)
Tourette's syndrome
21(35.6%)
gigantism
2(3.4%)
dwarfism
3(5.1%)
hydrocephalism
3(5.1%)
acromegaly
3(5.1%)
alien hand syndrome
15(25.4%)
none of those are funny, you unfeeling bastard
4(6.8%)

What is the world's most amusing vegetable?

zucchini
5(8.5%)
okra
3(5.1%)
yam
7(11.9%)
eggplant
5(8.5%)
pumpkin
3(5.1%)
Brussels sprout
3(5.1%)
fiddlehead
0(0.0%)
beet
3(5.1%)
mung bean
11(18.6%)
asparagus
0(0.0%)
rhubarb
3(5.1%)
pignut
6(10.2%)
water chestnut
0(0.0%)
yellow squash
1(1.7%)
Steve the Drunk from "Deadwood"
9(15.3%)

What sucks about being fat?

how when you get on the scale it gives you a number and then says 'to be continued'
1(1.8%)
how when your beeper goes off people think you're backing up
0(0.0%)
how you eat Wheat Thicks
0(0.0%)
how you go to the movies and sit next to everyone
0(0.0%)
how when someone shakes your hand you have to give them directions
1(1.8%)
how people have to take a train and two buses just to get on your good side
2(3.6%)
how when you get your ears pierced gravy comes out
1(1.8%)
how you wake up in sections
2(3.6%)
how when you fell in love you broke it
4(7.1%)
heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer risk and constant horrible self-loathing
19(33.9%)

Hilarious fruit?

chokeberry
2(3.5%)
quince
4(7.0%)
kumquat
19(33.3%)
greengage
0(0.0%)
gooseberry
1(1.8%)
huckleberry
6(10.5%)
marionberry
2(3.5%)
honeysuckle
0(0.0%)
persimmon
1(1.8%)
prickly pear
4(7.0%)
fig
2(3.5%)
mung bean
4(7.0%)
guava
0(0.0%)
ugli fruit
4(7.0%)
Charles Nelson Reilly
8(14.0%)

Hit me with your best yo mama joke.