July 23rd, 2007

banana

Monday Poland

This poll is no damn good.

Poll #1026333 All this democracy and nothing to show for it

What is your preferred rapper name construction?

letter + number (E-40, Tec-9)
3(5.2%)
name + letter (Jay-Z, J. Dilla)
6(10.3%)
unusually spelled noun (Havok, Noreaga)
4(6.9%)
job description + nickname (MC Hammer, DJ Screw)
5(8.6%)
adjective + letters (Notorious B.I.G., Violent J)
7(12.1%)
oddly spelled nickname (MC Eiht, DJ Quik)
2(3.4%)
letters only (MCA, AG)
1(1.7%)
Wu-Tang construction (Ol' Dirty Bastard, Ghostface Killah)
20(34.5%)
boring name + hip descriptive (Pete Rock, Greg Nice)
9(15.5%)
other (see Comments)
1(1.7%)

What events of the last Harry Potter novel shocked you the most?

how Luke's father was really Darth Vader
5(9.1%)
how it was Fredo who betrayed Michael
6(10.9%)
how Dil was really a guy
2(3.6%)
how Soylent Green is made of people
4(7.3%)
how Tyler Durden isn't real
4(7.3%)
how it turns out Norman's mother is really dead
0(0.0%)
how it was Earth all along
3(5.5%)
how Keyser Soze is really Verbal Kint
2(3.6%)
how Paul Meurisse and Simone Signoret were in on it together the whole time
1(1.8%)
How Dae-su's lover is actually his daughter
4(7.3%)

What is the most unpleasant bug?

ants
1(1.7%)
gnats
1(1.7%)
flies
1(1.7%)
mosquitoes
7(12.1%)
beetles
0(0.0%)
cockroaches
15(25.9%)
spiders
3(5.2%)
bees
2(3.4%)
earwigs
4(6.9%)
centipedes
7(12.1%)
moths
0(0.0%)
ticks
6(10.3%)
fleas
5(8.6%)
all bugs are beautiful creatures of nature
1(1.7%)
other (see Comments
5(8.6%)

What best describes your workspace?

I work in a home office, so I never get anything done
9(15.8%)
I work in a cubicle just like all the other useless drones of my acquaintance
20(35.1%)
I have my own office with a door, where I put my feet up and smoke cigars and laugh at you
11(19.3%)
I work behind a retail counter, where I mutter imprecations at the customers
0(0.0%)
I work in some sort of grim assembly line death factory
0(0.0%)
I work in a bullpen, pit, pool, call center, or other soul-killing hole
4(7.0%)
My job involves traveling, so my office is an overpriced plane seat or rental car
0(0.0%)
I am an academic; I stand in front of slack-jawed dimwits all day
4(7.0%)
I am a professional assassin and/or prostitute; my office is other peoples' houses
3(5.3%)
other (see Comments)
6(10.5%)

What commonly asked question are you often at a loss to answer?

he's just a stereotype

Bit him, too

Thanks to my stupid social life, I missed RACE UNITY DAY last weekend. Luckily, since it's one of the most popular festivals here in tasteful San Antonio, I was able to get some of the highlights of Race Unity Day in the paper afterwards.

- Blacks and whites mingled together and shared humorous observations about how they dress, walk, and drive cars.

- Blacks officially forgave whites for slavery, and whites forgave blacks for allowing themselves to be enslaved.

- Representatives of all the races agreed that they could unite in their common hatred of the Jews.

- Also homos.

- Mexican tourists asked white citizens of San Antonio if they knew that the reason all the Mexicans came up to see the Alamo is because the white people there got their heads kicked in. The white citizens of San Antonio claimed not to know what they were talking about.

- An attempted mass group hug near the end of the festival was cancelled after three people were brutally stabbed to death.

- The black and Asian populations of San Antonio had a rap battle to decide who was more oppressed. The Asians lost by a score of 221-0, after which they complained that the blacks had been allowed to pick the format and that they had asked for a clothes-folding competition or an SAT score comparison. Having been judged the most oppressed, the black population immediately signed up for federal grant money to work on their new tone poem, "If They Have a Sack/They Will Fill It With Rocks and With It Beat a Black". The city's nine Arab-Americans could not be reached for comment.

- White people sent out a representative to explain that they have nothing against black people, just niggers. He also went into a detailed list of complaints about bias against German-Americans, including excess printer toner costs and having to find the correct key combination to make an s/z ligature.

- Featured grand marshal Michelle Malkin read from Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech and explained why it means minorities should not get college scholarships.

- God made a surprise appearance in which he supported the general idea of Race Unity Day as long as people didn't confuse unity with getting all uppity. He also mentioned that he had a favorite race, but that "the P.C. crowd" wouldn't let him say what it was. He did note, however, that it rhymes with "flight steeple".