August 15th, 2007

banana

Heavy Metal Poisoning

Yesterday afternoon, just as I was considering calling it a career and spending the rest of my life as one of those people who hangs out in front of the gas station begging for spare change all day, I finished the largest and highest-paying freelance gig of my life to date. To celebrate, I am going to go home tonight, mix myself a gimlet or three, and sleep for 20 hours straight. In the meantime, here is a poll to make up for the lack of one on Monday.

Poll #1039580 Poll Name: (opt.)

What gambling games do you enjoy?

poker
4(6.2%)
blackjack/21/chemin de fer
2(3.1%)
roulette
0(0.0%)
craps
0(0.0%)
lottery/numbers
1(1.6%)
bingo
1(1.6%)
sports book
0(0.0%)
horse racing/dog racing
0(0.0%)
online gambling
0(0.0%)
bar bets/'wagering'/competitive gambling
3(4.7%)
I don't gamble
16(25.0%)
other (see Comments)
1(1.6%)

What’s the best way to beat the summer heat?

Jumping in your neighbor’s swimming pool
11(16.9%)
Carrying around a small portable spray mister filled with vodka
5(7.7%)
Drinking an entire 32-ounce Slurpee in under two minutes
5(7.7%)
Having sex on a bed made of carved ice
12(18.5%)
Remaining entirely motionless for days at a time
32(49.2%)

Which song featuring the word “rock” is the least rockin’?

“I Wanna Rock”, Twisted Sister
0(0.0%)
“Still Rock ‘n’ Roll to Me”, Billy Joel
25(39.1%)
“Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll”, Bob Seger
5(7.8%)
“Rock This Town”, the Stray Cats
3(4.7%)
“We Built This City (On Rock ‘n’ Roll)”, Starship
21(32.8%)
“The Heart of Rock ‘n’ Roll”, Huey Lewis & the News
8(12.5%)
“Rock You Like a Hurricane”, the Scorpions
0(0.0%)
other (see Comments)
2(3.1%)

React instinctively by clicking on the band that most fills you with uncomfortable feelings.

Dokken
1(1.6%)
Fastway
0(0.0%)
Stryper
5(7.8%)
Night Ranger
0(0.0%)
Slade
2(3.1%)
White Lion
2(3.1%)
Jackyl
4(6.2%)
Ratt
5(7.8%)
Great White
8(12.5%)
Poison
2(3.1%)
Warrant
4(6.2%)
Winger
6(9.4%)
Loudness
1(1.6%)
Tesla
0(0.0%)
Skid Row
3(4.7%)
Enuff Z'Nuff
8(12.5%)
Kix
2(3.1%)
Cinderella
6(9.4%)
L.A. Guns
0(0.0%)
Extreme
5(7.8%)

What subject do you know more about than anyone else of your acquaintance?

on a steel horse I ride

TASTEFUL SAN ANTONIO: Update

Remember that strip-mall jerkoff parlor I mentioned a couple of months ago? The one that had blacked-out windows (a decorating theme here in SATX) and a sign on the door that said only "10-minute Relaxation Therapy: $10"?

It's gone now, and has been replaced by...

...a magic shop.

I honestly don't know if this should be considered an improvement or not.
aging gracelessly

More (hair) metal

Here is something I wanted to make part of the poll, but I ran out of room. One of the greatest characteristics of hair metal, and by "greatest" I mean "lamest", was that so many of the dudes (always dudes) in these bands gave themselves ridiculous monikers -- way lamer than REAL heavy metal names like It or Vortigur the Disemboweler or whatever. In fact, they spawned a whole new naming convention in pop music, which I will call for lack of a more obvious term the Hair Metal Name.

Here is how you get a Hair Metal Name: take

- one (1) part superhero/men's adventure novel protagonist
- one (1) part professional wrestler
- two (2) parts gay male porn star

Et voila! Here are some of the all-time classics:

Rick Savage (Def Leppard)
Earl Slick (Dirty White Boy)
Reb Beach (Dokken)
Chip Z’Nuff (Enuff Z’Nuff)
Joey Tempest (Europe)
Taime Downe (Faster Pussycat)
C.J. Snare (Firehouse)
Tony Montana (Great White)
Jesse James Dupree (Jackyl)
Lenny Wolf (Kingdom Come)
Jimi K. Bones (Kix)
Tracii Guns (L.A. Guns)
Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue)
Jack Blades (Night Ranger)
T.J. Racer (Nitro)
C.C. DeVille (Poison)
Mickey Lee Soule (Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow)
Jizzy Pearl (Ratt)
Sebastian Bach (Skid Row)
Mark Slaughter (Slaughter)
Oz Fox (Stryper)
Jay Jay French (Twisted Sister)
Bobby Rock (The Vinnie Vincent Invasion)
Mike Tramp (White Lion)
Kip Winger (Winger)

I am shocked, SHOCKED to learn that there has never been a Hair Metal Name generator on the internet. I am therefore taking (a) your suggestions to be entered into just such a generator and (b) your requests for a hair metal name.

The end.

OR IS IT