August 16th, 2007

he's just a stereotype

Scudlets III

A while back, I got a job with a major metropolitan newspaper writing a daily series of brief one-liners designed to put a human face on the war in Iraq. Unfortunately, some weak-sisters found them 'offensive' and the column was canceled.

The good news is, the paper's chief rival has picked up the 'Scudlets' feature! They have, however, instructed me to stick to human interest and general culture as my theme rather than politics, so as to avoid giving offense. Here's some that I came up with...what do you think? I think I can expect a book deal within a year.

"Whenever I'm feeling low, I put on a happy face, and pull myself up by my bootstraps. If I'm feeling really low, I can always hang myself with those straps."

"There is no more precious love in this world than a man has for his child. Or someone's child, anyway. It doesn't matter who as long as the child is naked."

"Some people say that a man's best friend is his dog, but I say that's totally fucking retarded."

"Lucky for you, I'd rather watch NASCAR than torture someone to death with a blowtorch."

"What's my secret for looking so young? Telling people who ask my secret to go fuck themselves. Also, obesity."

"There is no excuse for boredom, as long as there are underage prostitutes and remaindered cartons of off-brand tequila in the world."

"My most profound hope is that some day, people of all races can come together as one and die."

"Everyone has at least one thing they can be proud of. I'm proud that I raised an intelligent, successful, attractive son,, wait, that's what my dad is proud of. I'm proud of my huge cock."

"Fellas, lingerie is really more of a gift for you. If you really want your lady to have a special night,, give her 3 hours of head and a set of throwing knives."

"I've never understood what people mean by 'Magical Negro'. The one on my frnt lawn just stands there, staring, no matter how much pixie dust I inundate it with."

"The post office can call it 'special delivery' all they want, but if the carrier refuses to wear a ball gown and a tiara, believe me, it ain't that special."

"There are three great things about living in Texas. Unfortunately, none of them have happened to me."

"People like to say that violence never solved anything. Tell that to my wife's big mouth."

"'With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.' Beautiful, inspiring words, dreamt by one man: Buckethead."

"You'll never get anywhere by complaining, except Heaven."

"If you're ever nervous about giving a speech, just picture the audience in their underwear. Tied up. And completely helpless in the trunk of your car. Try not to giggle maniacally."

"Cotton is the only fabric that breathes. Nylon is the only fabric that bleeds."

"The road to failure is paved with good intentions. Except out by the exit near 282."

"There's two subjects you don't discuss in polite company: religion and politics. At least that's what I thought before I brought up blowjobs at that breakfast with the mayor."

"I've heard that a glass of wine a day helps calm your violent rages. God, I hope that's not true, because I love wine."
hail to the chump

A message to you, rudely


Dear many people,

I am profoundly appreciative of your having friended me on MySpace and/or Facebook. Unfortunately, it is all for naught, as I never use either; MySpace is repellently ugly and entirely unnavigable, and I don't even know exactly what Facebook is or how I ended up with an account there. Your friendship is greatly appreciated, but you are, in a metaphorical sense, attempting to fertilize an elm tree.



Dear Jane and Allison,

It is touching that you thought to include me in your latest internet meme. Unfortunately, I do not know even one thing about myself that is not already commonly known to the point of tedium, let alone seven. I am a very boring person at heart and all of the things people don't know about me are bad. Your thinking I would be a worthwhile person to participate in this project is lovely, but you have clearly confused me in your minds with a person who is not dull and unpleasant.



Dear more people than I might have thought,

I am not quite sure what to make of your questions about when I am going to start dating again or if there is someone I am seeing or if I am meeting any girls down here. The short answers are "never", "no" and "only the ones who ask me for spare change in front of the gas station"; the long answers are "sometime after I commit suicide and am reincarnated as someone less horrible", "yes, I am seeing myself as a pathetic, lonely alcoholic", and "obviously you have forgotten everything you ever knew about who I am or where I live". I therefore choose to stare awkwardly at a point some seven feet past the back of your head. I hope you find this as inviting and welcome as I do.