August 17th, 2007

sexay sexay

This post is sexing your face up!

It’s Sex Filter Friday!

Of course, I no longer have a Sex Filter, since I no longer have sex, nor did I ever use my Sex Filter when I did, but I am bored, so here is the place where you can ask me anything, anything about sex – my sex life, your sex life, sexual techniques, the history and theory of sex, how to have sex in a moving car that is being pushed out of a moving airplane onto a moving submarine -- anything! For years, you have waited to ask an unattractive, socially inept, sexually inadequate fat man in his late 30s about sex. And now’s your chance. So bring it, chickenheads!
time for a beatin'

This post is punching your face out!

It’s Violence Filter Friday!

Of course, I do not have a Violence Filter, because I am a rickety old man whose closest brush with conflict is when he shoots haystacks with a crossbow, but maybe I should have had one, considering how whoopsie some of you get whenever the subject comes up. At any rate, I’m bored, so here is the place where you can ask me anything, anything about violence – my history of violence, my criminal record, my terrifying collection of deadly weapons, when and where violence can be your best buddy since that invisible monkey left you to go to broadcasting school -- anything! For years, you have longed to ask a soft, flabby, sociopathic drunken loser with bad knees and a barely suppressed temper about violence. And now’s your chance. So step to, marks!
i can't hear you

This post is rocking your socks off!

It’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Filter Friday!

Of course, I do not have a Rock ‘n’ Roll Filter, because I am perfectly at home with the idea of forcing my defensive opinions about pop music on each and every one of you, but it’s a subject sure to cause you pain. And anyway, I’m bored, so here is the place where you can ask me anything about music – the best records of the year, why your favorite band sucks, what music I enjoy combining with which drugs, the funniest jazz deaths of all time -- anything! For years, you have been desperate to ask an ill-informed, cranky, hostile, small-time third-stringer rock critic about music. And now’s your chance. So let’s party, shoegazers!