August 28th, 2007

best friends (thanks erindubitably!)

I was gonna but now I ain't gonna

I had this big, long, angry penis post prepared about the massive fraud, profiteering and exploitation being done in Iraq (and at home) by private corporations with the full blessing of the US government. But then I remembered, oh yeah, I have already battered my forehead against that particular wall about a hundred times.

So instead let's have some fun. Who's up for fun? Everybody likes fun. Your fun suggestions are welcome.
mmmmm delicious

Pizzas of the Powerful

In keeping with my beloved Chicago's tendency of naming menu items after people (as in Hot Doug's sausages named for local celebrities, and Kuma's Corner and their heavy metal hamburgers), I have decided that when I move back, I am going to open a pizzeria where all the dishes are named after world leaders.

THE WINSTON CHURCHILL PIZZA: roast beef and mozzarella with HP sauce instead of tomato. 10% discount if you bring in a bulldog or an unattractive infant.

THE ADOLF HITLER PIZZA: a vegetarian pizza with a single grape in the center. Constructed very loosely so that its ingredients spill over onto nearby menu items.

THE BENITO MUSSOLINI PIZZA: half Italian sausage, half German sausage. Extra meat at no charge. You can order it for delivery, but we will constantly stall, and at the last moment, your pizza will not show up.

THE EMPEROR AKIHITO PIZZA: Japanese-style, with egg, corn, wasabi, bamboo shoots, and octopus ink. At only $9.99 for a large, it seems like an economic miracle, but if you order after 10PM the price doubles.

THE MAMOHAN SINGH PIZZA: deliciously spicy Indian-style pizza with tandoori chicken, peppers and a curried tomato base. Also available with the same ingredients as an American pizza, but at half the cost.

THE MAO ZEDONG PIZZA: mixed vegetables, spicy sauce and sesame-rolled General Tso's chicken, plus one of a thousand blooming flowers of your choice. Delivered to your door via long march from our kitchen.

THE MARCUS GARVEY PIZZA: when you order this, an employee calls your house, and, after determining that you are not the blue-eyed grafted devil, urges you to order the Haile Selassie Pizza instead.

THE SAPARMURAT NIYAZOV PIZZA: onions, mushrooms and suduk sausage, all baked in a crispy cheese crust under a huge gold-plated portrait of Niyazov himself. May only be ordered with other Niyazov pizzas.

THE ISLAM KARIMOV PIZZA: never thought you'd try a potato and sorghum pizza? especially a boiled potato and sorghum pizza? Well, neither did any of our other customers, and to date, no one has!

THE ARIEL SHARON PIZZA: comes with an impenetrable plastic barrier to keep all other ingredients from touching the kosher elements of your pizza. For $2 extra, will eliminate all other ingredients and claim they were never there in the first place.
mmmmm delicious

No, he can't, 'cause he's a pig

So I clicked on a GoVeg.com ad that came up in my gMail, listing ten reasons not to eat pork. They were mostly convincing, although not as convincing as the one reason to eat pork (#1: Pork is delicious). At any rate, this one struck me as a bit of a stretch:

#3: Pigs and Playstations

Think that you can outplay a pig on your Playstation? You may be surprised. According to research, pigs are much smarter than dogs, and they even do better at video games than some primates.


There are so many things wrong with this. First of all, who did the testing on whether a monkey, dog or pig was better at video games? I'm fascinated by the logistics of this. What game did they play? Was it a puzzle game, a first-person shooter, a platform actioner? Did any of the animals actually score? Were the dogs better or worse than the monkeys? How did the dogs and pigs play without thumbs? Were they on a PS, a PS2, or a PS3? Were they playing the computer, or competing against other pigs?

Also, why would they assume that if I knew a pig was good at video games, I wouldn't want to eat it? Seems to me that I could whinny away the competition and quickly rise to the gamer elite in this manner. Shit, if it was legal to kill and eat other human gamers, I'd do it.

Eating a pig is like eating your dog!

Except your dog is not delicious.

As actor Cameron Diaz put it after hearing that pigs have the mental capacities of a 3-year-old human: "[Eating bacon is] like eating my niece!"

Now, wait, hold on there, GoVeg.com. Is it like eating your dog, or eating your niece? Or is it just like eating Cameron Diaz's niece? Because I don't really care about Cameron Diaz's niece. Also, is eating a 3-year-old better than eating an adult with the mental capacity of a 3-year-old? And how does a 3-year-old stack up against a pig at Playstation? If the pig is better, does that mean it's okay to eat the toddler?
life of the mind

There's only one way to solve things...through SCIENCE!

With "1" being "not very good at all"/"not very likely" and "10" being "better than a South Korean teenager"/"I'm eating one right now":


Poll #1046603 GoVeg.com, FOR SCIENCE!

How good do you think a pig would be at Grand Theft Auto III?

Mean: 2.60 Median: 2 Std. Dev 1.93
1
18(41.9%)
2
8(18.6%)
3
7(16.3%)
4
2(4.7%)
5
2(4.7%)
6
4(9.3%)
7
1(2.3%)
8
1(2.3%)
9
0(0.0%)
10
0(0.0%)

How good do you think a dog would be at Grand Theft Auto III?

Mean: 2.60 Median: 2 Std. Dev 1.95
1
15(35.7%)
2
12(28.6%)
3
6(14.3%)
4
2(4.8%)
5
4(9.5%)
6
0(0.0%)
7
1(2.4%)
8
1(2.4%)
9
1(2.4%)
10
0(0.0%)

How good do you think a chimp would be at Grand Theft Auto III?

Mean: 4.86 Median: 4.5 Std. Dev 2.61
1
2(4.8%)
2
8(19.0%)
3
7(16.7%)
4
4(9.5%)
5
5(11.9%)
6
2(4.8%)
7
8(19.0%)
8
1(2.4%)
9
2(4.8%)
10
3(7.1%)

How good do you think Cameron Diaz's 3-year-old niece would be at Grand Theft Auto III?

Mean: 3.60 Median: 3 Std. Dev 1.69
1
2(4.7%)
2
11(25.6%)
3
11(25.6%)
4
8(18.6%)
5
5(11.6%)
6
2(4.7%)
7
3(7.0%)
8
1(2.3%)
9
0(0.0%)
10
0(0.0%)

How good do you think an adult no smarter than a 3-year-old would be at Grand Theft Auto III?

Mean: 4.35 Median: 4 Std. Dev 2.39
1
2(4.7%)
2
9(20.9%)
3
8(18.6%)
4
8(18.6%)
5
6(14.0%)
6
1(2.3%)
7
2(4.7%)
8
4(9.3%)
9
1(2.3%)
10
2(4.7%)

How likely are you to eat a pig?

Mean: 7.72 Median: 9 Std. Dev 2.90
1
2(4.7%)
2
3(7.0%)
3
2(4.7%)
4
1(2.3%)
5
1(2.3%)
6
1(2.3%)
7
3(7.0%)
8
5(11.6%)
9
8(18.6%)
10
17(39.5%)

How likely are you to eat a dog?

Mean: 2.49 Median: 2 Std. Dev 1.85
1
19(44.2%)
2
8(18.6%)
3
6(14.0%)
4
3(7.0%)
5
3(7.0%)
6
2(4.7%)
7
1(2.3%)
8
1(2.3%)
9
0(0.0%)
10
0(0.0%)

How likely are you to eat a chimp?

Mean: 1.65 Median: 1 Std. Dev 1.40
1
30(69.8%)
2
8(18.6%)
3
2(4.7%)
4
0(0.0%)
5
0(0.0%)
6
2(4.7%)
7
1(2.3%)
8
0(0.0%)
9
0(0.0%)
10
0(0.0%)

How likely are you to eat Cameron Diaz's 3-year-old niece?

Mean: 2.49 Median: 1 Std. Dev 2.35
1
24(55.8%)
2
5(11.6%)
3
5(11.6%)
4
1(2.3%)
5
4(9.3%)
6
1(2.3%)
7
0(0.0%)
8
0(0.0%)
9
2(4.7%)
10
1(2.3%)

How likely are you to eat an adult no smarter than a 3-year-old?

Mean: 2.56 Median: 2 Std. Dev 2.02
1
21(48.8%)
2
4(9.3%)
3
7(16.3%)
4
5(11.6%)
5
1(2.3%)
6
2(4.7%)
7
2(4.7%)
8
0(0.0%)
9
1(2.3%)
10
0(0.0%)