August 29th, 2007

smile (thanks erindubitably!)

WILLIE D.’S ASCENDING HEIRARCHY OF PENIS-RELATED HUMILIATIONS

Rapper/prophet/Geto Boy Willie D. (a.k.a. William Dennis, b. 1966, Houston, TX) is noteworthy for many things – his pioneering role in gangsta rap, his recent efforts to revitalize his hometown’s inner city, and how what he has for your ass will make you shit your meal. However, perhaps his greatest accomplishment is that he has organized, despite having been born a damn fool with the mind of a lunatic, a hierarchal ranking of humiliating activities involving the penis for a variety of transgressions.

As detailed in songs and interviews, there can be no doubt that Willie D.’s organizational acumen regarding dick-to-mouth interaction is light-years beyond those of his peers, who often use sloppy, repetitive exhortations that only lead to confused imprecision. Let’s review.

SUCK A DICK

The most basic penis-related humiliation, targeted at plentiful and everyday transgressors of the Willie D. code, is to suck a dick. This is a simple punishment, easily accomplished and readily understood, containing no excess and stripped of all arbitrariness.

People who can suck a dick: Policemen, parents, children, various athletes.

EAT A DICK

Reserved for more serious transgressors, and often used to single out individuals rather than groups, the punishment of dick-eating comes next in the Willie D. hierarchy. While sucking a dick is over fairly quickly, eating an entire dick can be quite an arduous task, giving the transgressor plenty of chewing time to contemplate his or her wrongdoing.

People who can eat a dick: George H.W. Bush, “the man in the office”, Ronald Reagan, rival drug dealers.

SHUCK A DICK

Often mistaken by novices as a mere mispronunciation of “suck a dick”, the command to “shuck a dick” is in fact a far more involved process, a complex and difficult punishment directed at high levels of wrongdoer for whom dick-eating and dick-sucking are insufficiently punitive. Dick-shucking involves the boiling, stripping, pruning and washing of the dick so that it is “market-ready”; this procedure is so tedious and detailed that it is often performed by underpaid illegal immigrants.

People who can shuck a dick: Government censors, crooked cops, hypocritical white people, bitches who try to fuck you up.

SHUCK MY DICK

A stage of punishment between dick-shucking and d-i-c-k-s-h-u-c-king, it varies from the former inasmuch as it involves the shucking not of anyone’s dick, but of Willie D.’s dick in particular. Given its size and plenitude of overgrowth, this would be a considerable task indeed; however, since Willie D.’s dick remains unshucked, and since a dick, once shucked, cannot be reshucked, we must assume that this punishment is, for the time being, purely theoretical.

People who can shuck Willie D.’s dick:: Faggots, punks, suckas, bustas.

S-H-U-C-K A D-I-C-K

The most severe punishment accruable according to the Willie D. system, d-i-c-k-s-h-u-c-king involves the shucking of a dick, with the additional implication that the dickshucker is too unintelligent to understand the task to which he or she has been set without having it “spelled out”. It is possible that at some point, Willie D. could instruct a particularly heinous offender to “S-H-U-C-K M-Y D-I-C-K”, but most Constitutional scholars agree that this would conflict with the stricture against cruel and unusual punishment. Only the worst sort of criminal and recidivist is likely to be sentenced to d-i-c-k-s-h-u-c-king.

People who can s-h-u-c-k a d-i-c-k: Koreans, people who find the Geto Boys offensive, certain affiliated tradesmen in the cocaine industry, shopkeepers who accuse Willie D. of stealing cigarettes.